Archive for the ‘Television Is Good For You’ Category

Weeping Jesus on the Cross

October 20, 2008

Her vote counts as much as yours. Enjoy your “Democracy”*.

While it lasts.

*Sometimes known as a Republic amongst the Constitutional Cognoscenti. Or, as Ben Franklin put it, “a republic–if you can keep it.”

tfj–Now on PBS.


Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Baltar!

August 30, 2008

Courtesy of the Interwebs

In Honor of Our New Asian Overlords

August 24, 2008

If the 2008 Summer Olympics have taught us anything, it is that China is ascendant.  Never mind that they are an oppressive and brutal totalitarian regime that keeps a giant boot on the collective necks of over a billion people. Forget Russia’s moribund attempt at relevance this month. China is The Emerging Super Power and is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by GE.  We bring good things to life!

With the spectacle of the Opening and Closing ceremonies still fresh in my mind and seeing the television specials on how the Bird’s Nest and Water Cube were built, all I can think about is a print I had hanging in my office back when I had an office.

We All Scream for Better Journalism

July 13, 2008

Channel 5 got on a story that Channel 2 should have picked up on two years ago. It was about a placement firm whose only motive is to place your money in their account.The story sat in WKRN’s lap all wrapped up in a nicely wrapped package with a pretty pink bow. Instead, they send Turko-lite out to find out why it took longer than an hour for Mee-maw to get her glasses form Lenscrafters. Because, apparently, that’s messed up.

Two years ago, I was looking for a job and was contacted by a alleged placement firm. The zany details can be found here. Not learning from my little adventure, Mr. and Mrs. Coble dove in to that same shallow pool a few months later. My fault, apparently for not outright naming JL Kirk as the firm engaged in scammery. Kat Coble worked her internet sorcery and a whole shitstorm erupted from there. Threats of A Big Lawsuit were issued from Haldane/Kirk/Xenu et. al.

All of this information and the details were sitting in WKRN’s happy little Nashville is Talking aggregator/community site. Brittney Gilbert sat just a few feet from alleged journalists who were perfectly capable of chasing this story down. They didn’t. Which was supposedly the whole point of a news operation running an aggregator/community blog thingy. Or, so I have read.

Channel 5 gets high marks for picking up the story, albeit two years after it surfaced locally, and ran not just one story about what a ripoff Transforming America turns out to be, but two stories.

Not so fast Channel 5. We have to deduct points for your Ice Cream Trucks Gone Wild story. What a pile of unsubstantiated nonsense and innuendo.

NewsChannel 5 Investigates followed one man in Columbia. The state took Ronald Decker’s children away for neglect. He’s charged and awaiting trial for the rape of a 4-year-old girl. But he’s allowed to sell ice cream to children.

Ok, so he’s a shitty father. Clearly, he can’t provide for his children by driving an ice cream truck. But he’s charged, not convicted, of raping a 4 year old girl. Being accused isn’t the same thing as guilty. Unless you are OJ Simpson.

According to news reports, Frosty Treats hired Michael Dean in 2002. He is classified as a violent sex offender convicted of rape in 1986. Ivan Pryor is also a violent sex offender convicted of attempted aggravated sexual battery.

Here’s my question, did any of those involve children? Are children really the target for Dean and Pryor? How many rapes has Michael Dean committed since the Reagan Administration? Meanwhile, Channel 5’s video shows mug shot after mugshot of scary black men. Because you don’t want precious little Hunter, Dylan and Jaden to be anywhere near scary black men. Ice cream truck drivers or not. BECAUSE YOUR KIDS ARE AT RISK. Or at least that’s what our focus groups tell us get better ratings.

One more pot shot at News 2. If you are going to broadcast a story about what a hazard the interstate signs are to motorists, make sure the reporter isn’t driving and looking into the camera endangering those same motorists in order to appear dynamic. Lame-ass. Good thing you pulled the video. Wouldn’t want to look stupid.

Ford Is In His Flivver

April 4, 2008

Dick Cheney is still a war criminal.

Hillary Clinton is still the Anti-Christ.

And Imus in the Morning can be viewed on RFD-TV on Comcast digital cable channel 136 for Nashville area subscribers.

Funny, he doesn’t look like a cadaver in this picture.

All is right with the world.

Almost Forgot…

November 24, 2007

What I am thankful for this Holiday Season.


I Already Know What You Are Going To Say

November 16, 2007

There’s only one conceivable reason to watch Women’s Mystery Club, or whatever the hell it is called.

I have the right to remain silent…

Dear Sixty Minutes

October 3, 2007

You need to hire me to replace Andy Rooney. He isn’t going to be around much longer and I’m sure you are sick of the office smelling like “old man”. Maybe that’s Morley’s office. Anyway, you need to come up with a successor in the case of Andy’s imminent demise. I am supremely qualified.

I’m grumpy and curmudgeonly. It isn’t too big of a leap for me to make statements offensive to women, gays, minorities and whoever else gets easily upset. I should live another 20-40 years. That kind of longevity is the reassuring comfort that the Sixty Minutes audience craves. An additional bonus would be that I’m at least 20 years younger than any of your other correspondents.

Here is just a sample of the kind of topics my commentaries would include:

What’s with the long fingernails on black guys?

When did this mole on my leg change colors?

When did people start dropping the letter “H” when followed by the letter “U”? Listening to the radio, I will hear the reporter say something like, “Hugo Chavez is a rotten human being and a huge asshole.” But, it sounds like “Yugo Chavez is a rotten yuman being and a yuge asshole.” That’s just pretentious. Stop it.

I wish Dabney Coleman didn’t have to do the voice over for Rent-A-Centers.

The Chinese are my favorite ethnic group. I love their food, their culture and how they get the women’s feet so small. So, is it wrong that I say, “Let’s get some Chink food.”? Because, I mean it affectionately.

Is Larry King still on the air? If so, why? “Sweet Embrace of Death, Hello!”

See, I can do this sort of thing all day. Hell, I could do it from home, which would really work out best for both of us. You probably don’t want me around your offices and I can’t think of one reason to move up there.

Unless, of course, the money is right.

Talk it over with whoever you need to. I’ll be waiting.

Your Pal,


Little Lebowski Urban Achiever

August 17, 2007

There are certain movies that fathers and sons bond over.

Daddy, what does ‘micturate’ mean?

At least until Mom finds out.


Special thanks to KC for reminding me about this.

Dear HBO

June 10, 2007

Man! That was awesome! That Sopranos finale was soooooo worth the wait. I am incredibly fucking glad you canceled Deadwood so we could have another glorious season of Tony, Carmella, Paulie and Silvio’s madcap antics. You really outdid yourselves this time. Molto bene. That was money well spent. I am delirious with fucking joy.

You know who else had to love it? People who planned big parties around the end of it, that’s who. Imagine the delight of people across the country as they invited their friends and neighbors over to share some Sunday Gravy and watch THE SERIES FINALE OF THE (alleged) GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW EVER. Imagine how happy and satisfied they were by the time the credits rolled. Good times.

I had my kids watch the big show with us. Sure, there was some inappropriate language and a little gratuitous nudity and a bit of bloodshed. But, it was like the moon landing, right? Twenty years from now people will talk about tonight. Where they were when The Sopranos mercifully ended? If I didn’t force them to watch it, instead of the Hannah Montana Goes to Hawaii thing they wanted to watch, they would grow up to hate me for it later. It was totally worth their puzzled looks and confused line of questioning when the screen faded to black. But, hey. They’re just dumb kids, right? What do they know?

Over the last seven years, we’ve shared a few laughs and a few tears while experiencing The Sopranos. Tonight, we were awestruck. Simply awestruck by what someone will do if you back up an armored car full of dead presidents to their house and ask them to beat a dead horse one more time.

Any one know what the difference between the stripper who got beat to death by Ralph Cifaretto in season three and David Chase is?

She left the show when it was still good.


The Sarcastros

p.s. Seriously, suck my balls.

p.p.s. Take John From Cincinnati and cram him up your ass. Just like Vito did.

p.p.s.s. Why in the name of Joseph Smith’s Magic Underwear are you bringing Big Love back? That show is slightly less interesting than…something not at all interesting.

Related story: Dr. Kevorkian is now a free man. You really could have used his tender mercies last season.