Archive for the ‘Shenanigans!’ Category

I Don’t Believe You

July 25, 2007

The Law of Current Events compels me to call bullshit on the following stories.

**Siberian Huskies Maul and Kill Infant. I used to own a Siberian Husky. Those dogs are good for three things.

1. Pulling Sleds.

2. Escaping Confinement.

3. Taunting Their Captors By Prancing Around and Running Away After Escaping Said Confinement.

Unless those Huskies have been cross-bred with wolves, they wouldn’t go after an infant in playpen if you smeared bacon grease and baby seal blood all over it.

Alternate Theory: Someone killed the kid and used the dogs to cover up their heinous act. Or, they were in fact cross-bred with wolves and the owner doesn’t want to admit to that little tidbit of info.

It is far more reasonable to claim that this cat is killing old people than it is to believe those dogs went after that kid.

**Libya Releases Bulgarian Medics. Ok, that part we know is true. But this bullshit about 400 kids coming down with AIDS cannot be true. Fifty of them have died already. Supposedly. I’m sure somebody infected these kids.

What makes this such a pathetic shakedown is the lengths the European Union is willing to go to pacify this nut so they can get down to bidness.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy said, however, that neither the EU nor France paid money to Libya for the release.

Except for, um, $400 million dollars. How many kids would you give AIDS to for that kind of money?

And what a shocker, look at the lede getting buried deeper in the news hole. You don’t suppose the two issues are related, do you?

As a side note, compare the excellent New York Times article with the USA Today piece above. There’s a damn good reason why USA Today is given away free at every half-ass Howard Johnson’s and the NYT costs $4 on Sunday.

Alternate Theory: There isn’t one. Everyone knows this was a state-sponsored kidnapping. Sarkozy is being hailed as some genius. He isn’t fit to hold Teddy Roosevelt’s smelly jockstrap. Teddy, like President Madison before him wasn’t going to take any shit from the swarthy Barbary Coast Sultanates. I don’t care if he is played by Sean Connery.

**The slate of candidates running for Mayor of Nashville.

Alternate Theory: Why do we need a mayor? That Metro Council seems to have everything under control.

**When you consent for your sixteen year old daughter to marry her 40 year old cross country coach, you really don’t think suing the school district is going to work, do you? Really? Maybe sitting down at the kitchen table a few months ago and having the “Let’s Not Let Our Teenage Daughter Keep Hanging Out With The Creepy Cross Country Coach” would have been a better idea. You aren’t going to get any money out of this. Unless, of course, you sold your daughter to the track coach…but then again, teachers don’t make shit. Especially, teachers who can’t get a job because he married a sixteen year old girl.

Alternate Theory: When I was in high school, the girl’s cross country coach resigned under a cloud of suspicion that he and one or two of the girls had gotten a little too close. What is it about girl’s cross country coaches that makes them act like Catholic priests? Maybe they wanted to be priests but didn’t like little boys.

**Army Major Charged in Bribery Case. Every man has his price. Mine’s probably around ten million bucks, too. What is bullshit is that this guy is small potatoes compared what else goes on in the Military/Industrial/Congressional Complex.

Alternate Theory: If I had been commissioned upon graduation from college, I too would be a Major right now. I wonder if they have filled dude’s position yet. I could totally use ten million bucks right now.