Archive for the ‘Restraining Order Evidence’ Category

This Is What Happens When You Find A Stranger In The Alps*

December 30, 2007

There was a time in my life when gambling on football was the only reason to watch the games. I don’t generally bet any more. I hate losing money more than I like winning it. Now, with mouths to feed, I can’t really afford to lose what little money I have after buying baby formula, Xbox games and what have you.

So when little children decide they are going to bet on the Titans against a superior team, and that bet is based on nothing but unrepentant homerism, I can’t pass up that kind of action. It sweetens the pot when the child’s mother decides she wants in as well.

Parenting is all about teaching your children the difference between right and wrong. In this case, betting based on blind allegiance to the local sports franchise is just wrong. Never bet your heart, son. Always bet the spread. You might just wind up eating chocolate pudding out of a diaper.

Mrs. Sarcastro was the first to suffer the indignity.

I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.

Mr. Football Expert got his next.

You’re killing your father, Larry!

He won’t even wear his Vince Young jersey anymore.

*If you have ever sat through The Big Lebowski on Comedy Central, you know what I’m talking about.


I Already Know What You Are Going To Say

November 16, 2007

There’s only one conceivable reason to watch Women’s Mystery Club, or whatever the hell it is called.

I have the right to remain silent…

Save The Planet, Kill Yourself

October 12, 2007

Tennesseans For Genocide. That’s the name of the new organization I’m starting up. Our motto is, “We Must Destroy Humanity In Order To Save It.”

Face it, if history teaches us anything, genocide is The Solution to every problem facing mankind. Canaanites squatting on the land that your invisible pal promised you? Kill ’em all, let Yahweh sort ’em out. Armenians doing whatever it is Armenians do in your backyard? Wipe ’em out. It will be decades before anyone gives a shit. Too many educated people screwing up your worker’s paradise? Put them out to pasture.

Isn’t this the real goal of today’s environmental movement? It ain’t authentic Global Warming without Man Made™ Global Warming on the label. We’re told that humans are using up all the oil, burning down the forests, paving over the wetlands, expanding their settlements into the heretofore peaceful critter’s habitats. The unspoken inference is that the world would be a whole lot better off if there were less humans.

Personally, I would feed the still-beating heart of the last, lazy panda to my children if it meant our survival.  What we are being fed, thanks to the Humans Are Bad movement, is a steady diet of thin gruel based on the assumption that the snail darter has as much, if not more, right to live here as I do.  Bad or not, I’m the one with the fishing pole and the opposable thumbs.

One of the cool things about the internet is that you don’t have to be Adrian Veidt to suss out the collective zeitgeist. Population Reduction is in the hidden gremlin in all of these conversations. Over at Slate they are openly considering the idea.

A new non-fiction release that I’m looking forward to, but can’t summon up the lack of decency to purchase, is The World Without Us. A book that postulates what the earth would look like and how things would be “better” for the environment. Proof of concept as reviewed with breathless anticipation to join the dinosaur over at Salon.  I am not willingly going to slouch towards extinction, thank you very much.  Earth First?  How about, You First.

If it has to happen, let us make sure it happens on our terms. Seems that a billion Chinese and a billion on the subcontinent would be as good a place as any to thin the herd. Hell, the Indians think they are going to be reincarnated anyway, so no big deal.  According to their religion, we’re doing them a favor, or something.

According to God’s Favorite Republicans, we aren’t making white people fast enough. If we thin out the numbers of the Indians and Chinee, we might stand a chance, statistically speaking. Crank out a vicious little bug of the superflu in Shanghai, Beijing, Islamabad and Dehli. Concurrently open up a canister of the same in Mecca, Mogadishu, Tehran and Khartoum. That should get the Mohammedans to simmer down for a few centuries with all that irresponsible talk about holy war.

I’m not saying we won’t get our hair mussed, but we’re talking ten million, twenty million dead…tops. That still would leave us in a decent position population wise to rebuild society.

Which brings us to the Pied Piper of the Apocalypse.

What about all those hurricanes that Jor-Al showed us in Power Point? Maybe next year. I know Sheryl Crow was really looking forward to them wiping out people’s homes and businesses so she could be right. The scientists whose funding depends on making dire predictions aren’t even behind this myth.

Now Jor-Al has won a prize. For Peace. Sure a billion people will have to die for us to have that peace, but it will be peace at last. From the Nobel Committee’s press release:

Extensive climate changes may alter and threaten the living conditions of much of mankind. They may induce large-scale migration and lead to greater competition for the earth’s resources. Such changes will place particularly heavy burdens on the world’s most vulnerable countries. There may be increased danger of violent conflicts and wars, within and between states.

Now we’re talking!

Think of the world you want to leave your children? Doesn’t the one with less people sound better?  Are you going to be able to afford to launch your only son into space in a flying Prius?  Drunkenly bouncing around the galaxy looking for a suitable planet to colonize and maybe get a little high.  I don’t think so.

No, you’ll be stuck here, watching the fall and rebirth of human civilization.

It will be like Disneyland without the crowds.

This Week’s Guilty Pleasures

July 25, 2006

Teresa Weakley

Megan McCormick from Globe Trekker

Jolene from the Nashville Dodge ads

Monica Crowley

Kaitlin Olson 

Molotov Cocktease 


I need to stop watching so much television. 


The Three Stages Of Woman

November 12, 2005

 As portrayed by Carrie Fisher

New Girlfriend…

starwars_carriefisher_3.jpg                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Then, of course followed by Ex-Girlfriend…








And finally, Ex-Wife…







 Which one are you?

Contessa Update

April 21, 2005

The folks over at Media Bistro
have been hot on the heels of the Contessa/Imus saga.  As the
audience here is primarily Contessa stalkers, have at it boys!  As
most have figured, she got tired of taking shit from Bernie and the
others.  The sad truth is that any MSNBC news bunny that takes the
Imus gig is looking at a dead-end career. 

Breaking News

April 19, 2005

An update on the case of missing MSNBC anchor Contessa Brewer–still
nothing to report.  Many of you folks who have found this site,
have been web searching for Ms. Brewer and probably are wondering why
she hasn’t been on Imus
for the last week or so.  If any of you Contessa stalkers out
there find out, drop us a line.  We will continue to follow this
story and bring you the latest developments as they happen.  Which
of course means nothing, but it is what the big time TV news people say
when they don’t know shit either.

Latest Creepy Stalker-like Crush

April 13, 2005

Occasionally I come across a woman in the popular media  that
instantly captivates and consumes me.    This is how
evil television is.  It manipulates you into being attracted to
someone you have never met, spoken with, corresponded with or seen
outside the contrived environment of television.  They make you
see what they want you to see.  And like moths to the flame, we
cannot resist.

So the latest middle school crush I have is on MSNBC news-bunny Contessa Brewer
She reads the news on the Imus in the Morning program and throughout
the day.   The picture doesn’t do her justice.