Archive for the ‘Religion Bashing’ Category

Everyone Look Buusy!

December 16, 2008

The best part of this:  Misspelled on both sides.

cooming

Advertisements

The Definition of Irony

November 30, 2008

Disney Accused by Catholic Cleric of Corrupting Children’s Minds

Evidently, the church doesn’t like the competition.

Pardon the phrase but, HOLY SHIT! That’s some funny stuff. Especially coming off a week of truly staggering stupid blather coming from the religious types.

To wit:

Vatican Forgives John Lennon

Thanksgiving Must Suck for Atheists

Pretty sure there was more. Can’t spend all day shooting Jesus fish in their barrel-like habitat. But, you know, help yourself.

Weeping Jesus on the Cross

October 20, 2008

Her vote counts as much as yours. Enjoy your “Democracy”*.

While it lasts.

*Sometimes known as a Republic amongst the Constitutional Cognoscenti. Or, as Ben Franklin put it, “a republic–if you can keep it.”

tfj–Now on PBS.

I Find Your Lack of Faith Disturbing

April 19, 2008

The Pope of Rome was stateside for couple of days. He expressed regret about the priest abuse scandals and formally apologized for the Death Star blowing up Alderaan.

The New York Times showed that they at least have a sense of humor by proving that a picture is not only worth a thousand words, but it also goes well with wacky headlines. Somewhere a NYT editor is chuckling to himself, “This will TOTALLY make the Leno show!”

In a completely unrelated story, Roger Ebert is going in for more surgery.

Holy Wrath

August 30, 2007

Oh God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son”

Abe says, “Man, you must be puttin’ me on”

God say, “No.” Abe say, “What?”

God say, “You can do what you want Abe, but The next time you see me comin’ you better run”

Well Abe says, “Where do you want this killin’ done?”

God says, “Out on Highway 61.”

So I’m thinking about this song while bouncing Sarcastro Jr. on my knee. After I put him to bed, I come to a couple of conclusions.

1) If it went down the way it says in the bible, that makes God kind of an asshole.

2) If it didn’t happen that way, then Abraham had a voice in his head telling him to kill his kid. Hello, Andrea Yates.

3) The creepiest Little House episode ever was the one where Michael Landon went all Abraham and was going to let his kid die on a spooky altar out in the wilderness.

So I broach this topic with Mrs. Sarcastro. I got as far as point #1 when the shit hit the fan.

Suffice to say, calling God an asshole is not acceptable around our house.

Can’t talk now.  I think she’s coming.  If you don’t hear from me in a while, call the authorities.

Pulling Out Is Hard To Do

May 28, 2007

Here it is, another Memorial Day.  For a change, I’d like to turn on the news and see more dead televangelists than dead soldiers.  Alas, as I’ve been reminded constantly for the last forty years, You Can’t Always Get What You Want.

The news coverage lately has focused on Congress wanting to pull the financial plug on the Iraq War.  If our national polity were a sitcom, we would find out that Mr. Bush doesn’t know how to balance his check book and the nosy neighbors, Mrs. Pelosi and her dullard husband/submissive, Mr. Reid, have decided to teach him a lesson.  The episode ends with everyone hugging and countless lives being saved.

Or not.

It does remind me of a class I took about the Vietnam War.  Back in the mid-Eighties, many people looked at the Rambo movies as having the same historical gravitas as a Ken Burns documentary.  Every single guy in the class was about to be commissioned as an Army officer, and had to take the class as part of the required course of study.  Many of these guys had fathers who fought and/or died in Vietnam.  The professor was a unrepentant West Coast leftie who delighted in bursting the preconceived notions of his students.

The inevitable clash of cultures happened on a daily basis in the classroom.  Most of these guys were either business or physical education majors.  Having to think on their feet while arguing was not something they were prepared for.  Mostly, they had to memorize laundry lists, bullet points and bold-faced glossary terms in their fields of study.  It was like they had trained to fight a mechanized infantry war in Europe, but wound up fighting a guerilla insurgency in South East Asia.  But, I digress.

The debates in class would go something like this:

Student:  We would have won that durn war if’n the politicians in Congress had let us.

Professor:  How did the politicians stop us from winning the war?  Didn’t they control the military’s purse strings?  How exactly did Congress prevent the troops from “winning”?

Student: [Angry denunciation of the material covered in the textbook.  Change of subject to something like, say, the US won every battle it fought.]

Professor: [Sarcastic Inquiry as to where the student came about his facts and if he could find a source that substantiated any of his claims he should let us all know about it.  Completed the quote about US battlefield victories by saying, “That may be true, but it is also irrelevant.”]

Student:  That’s not how I heard it?

Professor:  Who did you hear it from?

Student:  Um, my dad told me it was all Congress’s fault.

Professor eyes roll 

Me:  Funny, I heard it was your dad’s fault we lost.  (I could be a jerk back then.)

So, here we are decades later and looking at the same argument.  This same guy who got all pissed off in class is now a Major or a Lt. Colonel.  He will be able to tell his children that the reason we lost the war in Iraq is that Congress wouldn’t let us finish the job.  No amount of fuzzy-headed college professors will prove him wrong.

We need to find a way to get out of Iraq with the least amount of bloodshed.  Here’s my plan.

We offer Muqtada al-Sadr and whoever else can’t play nice over there a huge sum of money.  If there is anything those folks respect it is filthy lucre.  Let’s say ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS! They get the cash deposited in a Swiss Bank account if they refrain from violence for six months.  That means their whole group and any other affiliated groups.  It brings a level of peer pressure to the whole affair.  If you know that Khalid’s little scheme of car bombing a market is going to cost you a giant pile of cash, you may be motivated to stop Khalid.  They don’t get a dime until the six months is up.  Any acts of violence in their sphere of influence that goes down before the six months is up, starts the clock all over again.

This will give us time to get the country up and running, with a semblance of stability and the ability to claim victory and get out.  Once we are gone, they can go back to killing each other.  As is the tradition of their One True Religion Of Peace.   Let those fuckers go ape as soon as the last American plane is wheels up and headed West.

So that we don’t wind up funding terrorism, we either Welsh out of the deal and leave them with nothing (and like it) or we scam them out of the money by selling them a bunch of defective weaponry through third parties.

If it means fewer families have to learn what Dulce et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori means, so be it.  I’m pretty sure that’s what Memorial Day is supposed to be about.  Not only is it what this country wants, but what it needs.

Bigger Than Jesus

April 8, 2007

Happy Zombie Jesus Day.

Friend of the Devil

February 11, 2007

For Christmas, 11 got an iPod. He had his older half-brother download some songs on it for him. He did the same thing for 9, who got a PSP. To my utter ignorance, you can download music to portable game playing devices. I decided as a semi-responsible step-parent, that I should investigate the types of music the kids are listening to. The Mrs. had laid down an edict about “No Rap” on the iPod and the PSP she had shelled out top dollar for.

When 11 started throwing a fit and saying that we could just return the iPod, I knew something was up. Although not a fan of the rap, I have no problem with profanity. As some of you may have gathered by now. Let me tell you, the shit I heard on the kid’s goddamn iPod blew my fucking mind.

 

Coke and rum
Got weed on the ton
I’m bangin with my hand up her dress like, unh
I’ll make her cum, purple haze in my lungs
Whole gang in the front in case a nigga wanna, stunt

 

or

 

so gone and pack dem bags
and lets mothafuckin go
im waitin on yo fine ass
at da front doe
gurl you don kno
ima toss da laffy taffy
toss it flip it and slap it
bust a couple of nuts
and get right back at it

 

and, of course

 

Before I leave the house, i’m slizzard on a goose,
And i’m higher then a plane, so a nigga really loose,
And I can lean wit it, and I can rock wit it,
And if u gotta friend, she gotta suck a cock wit it!

 

I have no problem with those lyrics except that a nine year old child doesn’t need to hear it. After the parental outrage subsided a little, I realized I had turned into my dad.

 

In the early 1980’s, the Sarcastro Family were quite a bit more religious than they are now. There was a lot of 700 Club on the television in our house, if that tells you anything. As the folks were trying to raise us up right, they took a couple of wrong turns. Parents do the best they can with the information available. Kind of like going to war in Iraq. There was a lot of bad intelligence back then about how the rock and roll was a Tool of Satantm. I never really bought into it as it seemed, well, fucking stupid. Although, playing records backwards looking for hidden messages seemed really cool for about ten minutes.

 

The old man was convinced that MTV was pure evil. He turned out to be right, just not in the way he thought. One night, he came upstairs and there was a clip of a Van Halen concert on. “This is just as bad as being at a rock concert!”, he bellowed without a shred of logic or reality to back him up.

 

If I were as wise as I am now, I would have patiently explained that our house was far from being a rock venue. That the den of sin a rock concert represented had more to do with unsupervised teens having access to drugs and liquor than it had to do with the music and images on the idiot box. Instead, I quipped, “Well, if this is as bad as being at a concert, let’s fire up a joint!”

 

My sixteen year old sarcasm had not yet found an appreciative audience as he proclaimed that from now on, there would be no MTV in the house. Consequences would ensue. “Yeah, right. Whaddya gonna do? Get rid of cable?”

 

So, the next Sunday that I was able to skip out of church, I was kicking back on the couch, eating some cereal, watching some MTV. The folks came home. Oh, shit.

 

What happened next, I will always remember like it happened yesterday. There on the screen was the video for Black Coffee in Bed by the great English band Squeeze. I had it blaring out of our gigantic 32″ television. The folks walked in and I made no effort to change the channel. My motto has always been, “If you act like you are doing something wrong, people will assume you are doing something wrong.” Or something like that. So, I acted as nonchalant as possible.

 

“What is this?”, Dad asked with great suspicion.

 

“I dunno. Something on TV.”

 

“IS THIS MTV?”

 

“Uhhh….”

 

With that, he walked over to the television and ripped out the converter box from the wall and back of the set. He then stomped upstairs and removed the converter box from their bedroom. When he came back down, he announced that thanks to me, we would no longer have cable television in the house. “How do you like that, smart-guy? No more cable!”

 

“I guess this means no more 700 Club. Darn.”

 

The folks didn’t get cable hooked back up until I went off to college.

 

Back in the present, I erased all the music on 9’s PSP. The next to go on the chopping block was 11’s iPod. His reprieve came from a friend of his, whose mother who had called to discuss whatever kid’s moms discuss with each other. The conversation turned to the music the kid’s listen to. She mentioned a download site that you could find clean versions and radio-friendly versions of the popular songs the kids like. All the same beats without all the muthafuckas.

 

So we went upstairs and paid the fee for one year of unlimited downloads. We erased all the songs with the exception of Weird Al’s White and Nerdy. Which, if that isn’t the theme song for 11, I don’t know what is. He downloaded the songs he wanted. All ten of them. Which he will listen to over and over again, until something new comes out that he likes or that all the other middle school kids deem as “cool”.

Meanwhile, I’ve downloaded like thirty songs, so far. What was the first song I downloaded? This one:

 

Boost Your Sunday School Attendance!

September 18, 2006

When a friend cries out for help, I always try to oblige.

If you have a Sunday School class struggling to get enough people to play UNO, you may have to resort to outside the box thinking in order to get butts in the seats.  Declining attendance means declining tithes and offerings.  And I think we all know what the consequences are of God not getting His full cut.

Kitty, you need to put this sign over the door of your Sunday School class.  Nothing sells like fear. 

RAPTURE THREAT LEVEL: ORANGE!
(completely plagarized from The Simpsons)
threat_level_orange_hg_clr.gif
 

Who Peed in My Beer Volcano?

August 2, 2006

flanders_devil.gif Dear Religious Friends and Family,

Though I appreciate your concern for my immortal soul and whatnot, please understand that my choice to mock and avoid organized religion is not a personal reflection on you.  You are just fine by me.  You are the kind of Christian we need more of, frankly.  Unfortunately, the people sitting next to you in church are the ones I have no use for.

Look, I get that my intemperate views may land me in a burning pit,where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and  single mothers.  I’m fine with that, really.  Some of my favorite people are single mothers. 

However, the people you share fellowship with, aren’t my favorite people.   No, your co-religionists don’t have that Mind Your Own Business ethic that keeps the peace.  Hell, peace is the last thing on their minds.  Whether it is joyously anticipating the coming of End Times or keeping me from buying a bottle of fucking wine on Sunday, these bastards are all about stirring up trouble and sticking their noses where they don’t belong.  That causes conflict.

Don’t start laughing just yet, Chosen People.  You aren’t any better.  When you aren’t picking fights with your backwards-ass, nitwit cousins, you’re trying to rule the world in cahoots with the Masons.  Ok, I’m really picking on the Jews because of some bloviating Rabbi on MSNBC today.  Whilst commenting ad nauseaum about The Road Warrior’s troubles,  he said in a tone that reminds me of Kyle’s cousin, that he actually voted for one of Mr. Gibson’s films for Best Picture, as he is a member of The Academy.  What the fuck?  I know you Jews run Hollywood and all, but this takes the kugel.  The late, great Rodney Dangerfield was denied membership to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences because, according to the letter written by Cornelius from Planet of the Apes, he failed to execute "enough of the kinds of roles that allow a performer to demonstrated the mastery of his craft."  Is that a joke? This schlemiel Rabbi gets a vote and Rodney doesn’t?  With that kind of thinking, no wonder you’ve suffered for three thousand years and still believe you are God’s favorite. 

 While I’m thinking about it, the less said about your backwards ass nit-wit cousins, the better.

 Again, religious friends and family, I’m not talking about you.  I’m talking about the dumb people that you worship alongside.

For example, there’s the people who write hate mail about The Flying Spaghetti Monster. First off is Casey Powell.  He’s just full of God’s love.
Retarded people…like Bobby Henderson….will burn in hell unless you give your life to Jesus Christ.

Does this mean Corky is going to Hell, too? 

Here’s an anonymous writer who shows the value of Bible-based home schooling:
hey,u know what none cares Wat u think about God’s sense of humor,u know what u may not be christian but,there’s lot of people out there trying 2 seek God n they don’t need any info, about God by u so,i think it will b better if u stop n start acting more like a christian even if u r not .

The text messaging industry is going to have a lot to answer for. 

Seth has more issues than any one Aunt B post about a dream she had starring AC Kleinheider.
 alright man. i dont know what the heck you think you are doing. but just wait till you are standing in front of the gates of heaven. when god asks you "Why should I let you into Heaven?" what are you going to say? "let me in because i mocked you my entire pathetic life, said there was a god better than you, made of spaghetti and meatballs. let me in." right. thats the point you go to hell. you are a stupid little guy with no girlfriend, so you’re depressed. writing about your fake, gay loving man whore god. to get attention. all its gonna get you is a foot so far up your a** your gonna have ingrown toenails growin out your ears. you need to stop this stuff. all you’re doing is getting yourself closer and closer and closer. to hell. not heaven. not paradise. not getting laid. not having children. not having a penis. nothing. shut the heck up already. no one likes you..except your gay friends who believe all this stupid crap. and whoever they are.. i hope they use protection with eachother, along with you. tonight. oh by the way. i am having spaghetti and meatballs tonight u little prick. i think i will just throw it in the trash cause thats where it belongs. along with your fake whack religion and fake god. so have a nice day, and hope u have fun gettin raped by your spaghetti and meatball, FAKE god.

There are months worth of these over at the site.  What did the Flying Spaghetti Monster ever do to these people?  Oh, that’s right.  It held up a mirror to the ugly hypocrisy and dubious mythology of organized religion. 

Have a blessed day!

 

Sarcastro