Archive for the ‘National Politics’ Category

Dear Mr. President-Elect

December 9, 2008

Sir,
It has come to my attention through various new media sources that you may be searching for a new speechwriter.

Let me tell ya, I’m all about that Hope shit. Faith, Charity and the rest of those chicks are cool, too.

Enclosed is a photo and resume detailing my qualifications.Check out these Yes We Cans!

As Appropriate As Anything

November 7, 2008

Buck up, crybabies. As for the rest of you, be careful what you wish for.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

You Have Been Spared

November 2, 2008

For election day, I had this whole big post planned that would compare and contrast the two major party candidates on the issues. It was going to be one of those “things” that went on for way too long, had far too many pop-culture in-jokes and was full of my tedious sermonizing on the ills that face our Republic and the “choice” we face on Tuesday.

Thing is, I can’t bring myself to sit and write the whole damn thing out. It bores me. As I do this for me, not you, I’m not going to waste a few hours breaking down the idiotic healthcare plans or any of the other schemes for throwing the taxpayers money down the toilet.

Go ask Roger Abramson. I called this election ten months ago. Now I just want the damn thing over with. Whoever gets to be All-Powerful-Great-Father-In-Chief for the next four years is in for a rough sled. Good luck to you, whoever you are. At this point, I have a hard time telling them apart.

Here’s another prediction: 10% unemployment before next Xmas.  Conduct yourselves accordingly.

I’ll leave it to three great Americans to illustrate the type of person we need in the Oval Office . Two of them did a fine job in the position and we could do a lot worse than the third.

I don’t want anyone as president who promises to take care of me. I may be stupid, but I want a chance to try to be a grown-up and take care of my family. Freedom means the freedom to be stupid, and that’s what I want. I don’t want anyone to feel my pain or tell me to ask what we can do for our country, or give us all money and take care of us. Penn Jillette

We have enough laws already, I don’t need to sign any more. Calvin Coolidge

Oh, goddammit, we forgot the silent prayer. Dwight Eisenhower

David Sedaris=Crypto-Racist

October 29, 2008

Something has been bothering me about the quote attributed to essayist David Sedaris. He is discussing the undecided voter and characterizes their choice as thus:

To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.

So assuming for the sake of argument that McCain is the chicken. That makes Obama the plate of shit with glass in it. Would that be because shit is brown? Is it because black people smell? Does the signifigance of “glass” have something to do with crystal meth? Is that a nod to Obama’s rural white heritage? Sedaris is an admitted former meth user, he would be in a good position to know a fellow traveler tweaker.

More likely, he is calling Obama the chicken and McCain the plate of shit.

Is it because black folks like fried chicken? Or chicken in general. Is that some secret racist insinuation about Chicken George or chicken heads?

Nice use of “code words“, Dave. All the NPR listeners must be proud.

I plan on withdrawing my $10 pledge to my local public radio station in protest of this obvious hate speech.

Weeping Jesus on the Cross

October 20, 2008

Her vote counts as much as yours. Enjoy your “Democracy”*.

While it lasts.

*Sometimes known as a Republic amongst the Constitutional Cognoscenti. Or, as Ben Franklin put it, “a republic–if you can keep it.”

tfj–Now on PBS.

Hitler Endorses Obama.

October 19, 2008

In Case of Imminent Election Loss…

October 19, 2008

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2008
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT:
ANITA WYNN-BADD (202)224-2670
HOLLY N. LYKE-LEE (202)224-7130

MCCAIN-PALIN TO SPEND CAMPAIGN SAVING MAIN STREET

WASHINGTON D.C.–Republican Presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he and Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin are focusing their efforts on fixing the current financial crisis one family at a time.

“Unlike my opponent who is worried about bailing out his Wall Street buddies, Governor Palin and I will be traveling to Ohio, Pennsylvania and several other swing states hit hard with this financial mess that was brought down on them by the Democratic Congress.”

“Effective immediately, we will be pulling all of our television spots off the air and using that money to help homeowners who are facing foreclosure. Senator Obama is spending a record $190 million on campaign ads in the run up to the election. Governor Palin and I have decided that our advertising money would be better spent trying to help working Americans.”

“Beginning tonight and every night for the next two weeks, America’s Money Makeover will be broadcast on the FOX television network.  (8 Eastern/7 Central.) Each night, we will pick a deserving family from the thousands of registered voters in swing states letters and video tapes we have received. That family will get a visit from the Money Makeover Team and their lives will be turned around.”

“Our team consists of not only Governor Palin and myself, but nationally syndicated radio host and financial counselor Dave Ramsey, The View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck and minority to be named later.  Maybe Cowboy Troy or Don King.”

“We plan on using our combined expertise to help resolve outstanding debts, restructure or refinance troubled mortgages, help the family set up a budget and retirement plan to keep them from fucking up the economy set them on the path towards financial stability. With about $80 million left to spend, we can help about 1500 American families achieve their dreams of being out from under the boot heel of Wall Street speculators, Jew Bankers, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and market forces beyond their understanding. ”

“Now my friends, I don’t care who you vote for in the election. Win or lose we plan on doing this long after election until the campaign money runs out. Help is on the way. The Straight Talk Express is heading for a battleground state small-town near you!”

If you would like to be one of the families John McCain and Sarah Palin are going to save from financial ruin, please contact your local Republican party headquarters.  Please bring an 8×10 photo of your home, a copy of your credit report, six months of bank statements and a sob story.

Pander (In The Name of Love)

October 12, 2008

Sitting neglected in the in-box is this article from Blender magazine. It supposedly details the Ten Favorite Songs from the Presidential Candidates.

Well this is as important a choice as any other they’ve made in the last six months. What makes it an interesting list is not only what is on there, but what was left off. Usually, these campaign generated things have the unmistakable stench of a white bread focus group coupled with the soul-devouring sentimentality of a classic rock radio programmer. Or, at least one of them.

Here’s Obama’s List:

1. Ready or Not Fugees
2.
What’s Going On Marvin Gaye
3.
I’m On Fire Bruce Springsteen
4.
Gimme Shelter Rolling Stones
5.
Sinnerman Nina Simone
6.
Touch the Sky Kanye West
7.
You’d Be So Easy to Love Frank Sinatra
8.
Think Aretha Franklin
9.
City of Blinding Lights U2
10.
Yes We Can will.i.am

Can reasonable people agree that any list with Marvin Gaye on it is cliche by definition? I like Marvin as much as the next guy who has heard “What’s Going On?” run into the ground for the last 40 years.

Obama’s list is clearly hipper than his 72 year old opponent’s. Just barely. There’s a couple of cool deep tracks mixed with tunes that are frankly suspect. It’s an interesting mix.  Break it down like this: Sinatra, Simone and Gaye appeal to the older, traditional voter. Springsteen, Aretha and the Stones nod to the baby-boomers. U2, Fugees and West identify with teh kidz.  And what kind of ego picks a song (Yes We Can) full of his own speechifying as one of his favorite songs? Carly Simon called and confirms that this song is indeed about you.

McCain’s List

1. Dancing Queen ABBA
2. Blue Bayou Roy Orbison
3. Take a Chance On Me ABBA
4. If We Make It Through December Merle Haggard
5. As Time Goes By Dooley Wilson
6. Good Vibrations The Beach Boys
7. What A Wonderful World Louis Armstrong
8. I’ve Got You Under My Skin Frank Sinatra
9. Sweet Caroline Neil Diamond
10. Smoke Gets In Your Eyes The Platters

Though more traditional, this list seems more genuine and reflective of the candidate. Boring and predictable as Velveeta, my friends. Any list with TWO songs by ABBA can’t be the result of GOP operatives sitting up all night brainstorming what will play in Peoria, can it? The thing that jumps out is that there isn’t a song on that list recorded since Jimmy Carter was POTUS.  You can’t really pick on any of those songs for being anything other than safe choices. All are pleasant, inoffensive tunes that have been around since forever. Again, reflective of the candidate.  Pretty fly for an old guy.

If I had to pick the top ten for each candidate, it would be more like this:

Obama

1. Running on Empty Jackson Browne

2. A Change is Gonna Come Sam Cooke

3. It’s A Mans, Mans, Mans, Mans World (Hillary Clinton remix) James Brown

4. Papa Was a Rolling Stone The Temptations

5. Losing My Religion R.E.M.

6. The Great Pretender The Platters

7. Ohio Crosby, Stills and Nash

8. Do Ya Think I’m Sexy Rod Stewart

9. I Put A Spell On You Screamin’ Jay Hawkins

10. Born in the USA Bruce Springsteen

McCain

1. Whipping Post The Allman Brothers Band

2. Help! The Beatles

3. What’d I Say? Ray Charles

4. Jailhouse Rock Elvis Presley

5. Folsom Prison Blues Johnny Cash

6. Both Sides Now Joni Mitchell

7. Tell It Like It Is Aaron Neville

8. You Can’t Always Get What You Want The Rolling Stones

9. With A Little Help From My Friends The Beatles

10. Whiter Shade of Pale Procol Harum

I wonder what Bob Barr’s listening to?

Spoiler Alert: The End is Nigh

September 29, 2008

Let me save you some valuable time. Instead of fretting about the upcoming presidential election and wasting precious hours of your life watching pre-debate coverage, post-debate coverage, internet chatter and, god-forbid–actual debates. Here’s how it is going to shake out come November.  Conduct yourselves accordingly.

Obama–289 Electoral Votes

McCain–249 Electoral Votes

Republicans, this is the BEST case scenario. Worst case is the financial meltdown continues and the country as a whole buys into Obama’s promise of magical prosperity spun from empty rhetoric.  If that happens, McCain will be lucky to carry Arizona.

You may now resume your previously scheduled stockpiling of shotgun shells and canned goods.

Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Baltar!

August 30, 2008

Courtesy of the Interwebs