Archive for the ‘Conspiracy’ Category

The Sincerest Form of Flattery

July 30, 2008

Compare this inelegant and poorly written old chunk of coal from March of last year

Is Al Gore trying to sound like Jor-El? Look for him to start using his carbon offsets to build a rocket ship to escape our doomed world. In an ironic twist, the neighbor’s rocket will be far more energy efficient. With any luck, Al will wind up on the Planet of the ManBearPigs.

…with this shiny hand pressed diamond from The Onion dated today.

Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet.

Now I’m not saying that the fine folks over at The Onion are stealing material from my blog. That would be plain idiotic. After all, theirs is definitely a funnier and more fleshed out version of the idea. Almost like someone was paid to sit and come up with this stuff and had an editor to help with bringing the humorishness, instead of word vomiting a bunch of stuff into the home computer between Little League practice and getting the baby to go to sleep. It just makes me, after more than a year of using this “Jor-Al” bit, a little flummoxed about it being co-opted by one of the big boys. But, I’m not bitter. Oh, no sir. This isn’t the first time one of my ideas has mysteriously wound up finding life in more talented hands.

It clearly won’t be the last, YOU BASTARDS!


Just Speculatin’ on a Hypothesis

May 19, 2007

The other night, I laid Sarcastro, Jr. down in his crib after last call.   He likes to wake up just in time to get in a bottle of formula before the bar closes.  This causes the sleepy bartender to be extra grumpy.

So, it was about two in the blessed a.m. when I put my head on the pillow and started to drift off.  You know that sleep purgatory where you are awake enough to hear yourself snoring?  That’s where I was.  All of a sudden….


The whole house shook like a bomb went off.  I flew out of the bed.  The Mrs. opened one eye and asked what the hell was going on.

This being Antioch, it could be anything.

I looked out the front and back of the house.  Nothing.

Being that I was already annoyed that the Little Formula Mooch already woke me up, I wasn’t interested in investigating it further.  My shit was fine.  I’m going back to bed.

Then the sirens started.  For maybe the next thirty minutes.  By now, The Mrs. is wide awake.  I am half-way back to Little Nemo’s Slumberland when she starts nudging me about the siren activity.

“Dammit, woman, this is Antioch.  Of course there are sirens.”

Come to find out, a house that is about a par-5 (with a slight dog-leg left) from us blowed up real good.

The official story is that the guy smelled gas, woke up the family and they jumped out the second story window, like John McClane off the Nakatomi Tower, as the house exploded.

What if that story isn’t true?

I don’t know nothin’ about nothin’.   I don’t want to add to the misery of people who have lost everything.  I’m just adding a fictional and wholly imaginary bit of speculation to this story.

What if the guy, upset after an argument with his girlfriend, filled the house with gas in a failed suicide attempt?  He chickens out at the last minute and goes upstairs to get them out of the house.  He flips on the bedroom light switch.  A spark created by the electricity hitting the switch causes the whole house to go up.

He comes up with a plausible story to explain how he knew to get them out of the house.  He wasn’t feeling well and slept on the sofa.  He awoke to the smell of gas and heroically got everyone but the family cat out in the nick of time.

The gas company is at a loss to explain what happened as they can’t find a leak.  The community bands together to help these people out in a huge outpouring of charity and giving.  The manipulative tear-mongers at Extreme Makeover: Home Edition come out to build them a new Super House.

All the while, the guy knows the truth.  He isn’t a hero.  It eats away at him.  He begins to worry that people will find out his shameful secret.

How far would someone go to cover that kind of lie?

No Vote For You

May 18, 2006

On the subject of disenfranchisement of felons, I am somewhat conflicted.  Each felon and felony is a little different.  There are certain degrees of wrong doing.  Non-violent drug offenders are certainly different from child molesters, for example.  How about people who commit felony fraud?  The crime itself shows that the perpetrator can’t be trusted.  Compare that to the guy who committed murder in the heat of passion.  Killing your wife and your best friend when you walk in on them in flagrante delicto and shooting them doesn’t make you less of a good citizen than, say, the guy who bilks retirees out of their savings.

Denying felons their voting rights should be done on a case by case basis, perhaps as a function of the parole board.  Personally, I think being in flagrante stupido is good enough reason.  In that vein, here’s a partial list of felons, both convicted and not, who shouldn’t have a vote.   Feel free to add your own favorites.

Jack Abramoff

Dennis Kozlowski 

Fred Phelps  (never actually convicted) 

Rappin’ 4-Tay 

Marion Barry 

Ivan Boesky 

Bill Janklow 

Perry March

Christian Brando

Marc Rich 

Charles Keating 

Roger Clinton 

Duke Cunningham 

David Duke 

Darryl Strawberry 

Lynndie England 

James Traficant 

Pamela Rogers Turner 

Jeff Gillooly 

 Mike Tyson

John Gotti, Jr.

Leif Garrett

Mark Swartz

Bernard Ebbers


You Get What You Pay For

November 21, 2005

The jerks at Yahoo! have updated my email.  There is this cool taskbar with all sorts of fun options for sending email, now.  Wow, it is so cool.  Unfortunately, they have also done something that prevents me from either composing new email or replying to the messages from my huge fanbase.

So, Yahoo jerks, you can have your gay emoticons and background stationary templates and whatever other geegaws you have ladled onto my plate in exchange for the abiltiy to send and reply to messages.  You know, the actual purpose that the fucking email was created for.   

Thank you for your time. 

I’ve Always Suspected Boxcar Willie

October 31, 2005

As far as conspiracy-nut lists go, this one is a doozy.  It hits all the high notes and explains a lot about why the world seems to be controlled by evil forces.  Turns out Evil Reptilian Shape Shifting Pedophile Satanists are running the show.  Who knew?  Apparently this guy.

I wonder if Rowdy Roddy Piper still has those sunglasses