Archive for the ‘Complete Wastes of Time’ Category

I’ve Got A Jolly Roger

December 5, 2008

Here’s to the resurgence of piracy around the world proving that global warming is a hoax.

Advertisements

Thanks For the Ticket, Jerks

November 14, 2008

Vodpod videos no longer available.

You Have Been Spared

November 2, 2008

For election day, I had this whole big post planned that would compare and contrast the two major party candidates on the issues. It was going to be one of those “things” that went on for way too long, had far too many pop-culture in-jokes and was full of my tedious sermonizing on the ills that face our Republic and the “choice” we face on Tuesday.

Thing is, I can’t bring myself to sit and write the whole damn thing out. It bores me. As I do this for me, not you, I’m not going to waste a few hours breaking down the idiotic healthcare plans or any of the other schemes for throwing the taxpayers money down the toilet.

Go ask Roger Abramson. I called this election ten months ago. Now I just want the damn thing over with. Whoever gets to be All-Powerful-Great-Father-In-Chief for the next four years is in for a rough sled. Good luck to you, whoever you are. At this point, I have a hard time telling them apart.

Here’s another prediction: 10% unemployment before next Xmas.  Conduct yourselves accordingly.

I’ll leave it to three great Americans to illustrate the type of person we need in the Oval Office . Two of them did a fine job in the position and we could do a lot worse than the third.

I don’t want anyone as president who promises to take care of me. I may be stupid, but I want a chance to try to be a grown-up and take care of my family. Freedom means the freedom to be stupid, and that’s what I want. I don’t want anyone to feel my pain or tell me to ask what we can do for our country, or give us all money and take care of us. Penn Jillette

We have enough laws already, I don’t need to sign any more. Calvin Coolidge

Oh, goddammit, we forgot the silent prayer. Dwight Eisenhower

Michael Vick in the Pen

November 1, 2008

Yeah, we went there for Halloween.

Mrs. Sarcastro’s best costume idea, EVER.

And yes, we took the dog with us door to door.  Because we are bastard people and hate animals. That’s why.

David Sedaris=Crypto-Racist

October 29, 2008

Something has been bothering me about the quote attributed to essayist David Sedaris. He is discussing the undecided voter and characterizes their choice as thus:

To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.

So assuming for the sake of argument that McCain is the chicken. That makes Obama the plate of shit with glass in it. Would that be because shit is brown? Is it because black people smell? Does the signifigance of “glass” have something to do with crystal meth? Is that a nod to Obama’s rural white heritage? Sedaris is an admitted former meth user, he would be in a good position to know a fellow traveler tweaker.

More likely, he is calling Obama the chicken and McCain the plate of shit.

Is it because black folks like fried chicken? Or chicken in general. Is that some secret racist insinuation about Chicken George or chicken heads?

Nice use of “code words“, Dave. All the NPR listeners must be proud.

I plan on withdrawing my $10 pledge to my local public radio station in protest of this obvious hate speech.

Hitler Endorses Obama.

October 19, 2008

Pander (In The Name of Love)

October 12, 2008

Sitting neglected in the in-box is this article from Blender magazine. It supposedly details the Ten Favorite Songs from the Presidential Candidates.

Well this is as important a choice as any other they’ve made in the last six months. What makes it an interesting list is not only what is on there, but what was left off. Usually, these campaign generated things have the unmistakable stench of a white bread focus group coupled with the soul-devouring sentimentality of a classic rock radio programmer. Or, at least one of them.

Here’s Obama’s List:

1. Ready or Not Fugees
2.
What’s Going On Marvin Gaye
3.
I’m On Fire Bruce Springsteen
4.
Gimme Shelter Rolling Stones
5.
Sinnerman Nina Simone
6.
Touch the Sky Kanye West
7.
You’d Be So Easy to Love Frank Sinatra
8.
Think Aretha Franklin
9.
City of Blinding Lights U2
10.
Yes We Can will.i.am

Can reasonable people agree that any list with Marvin Gaye on it is cliche by definition? I like Marvin as much as the next guy who has heard “What’s Going On?” run into the ground for the last 40 years.

Obama’s list is clearly hipper than his 72 year old opponent’s. Just barely. There’s a couple of cool deep tracks mixed with tunes that are frankly suspect. It’s an interesting mix.  Break it down like this: Sinatra, Simone and Gaye appeal to the older, traditional voter. Springsteen, Aretha and the Stones nod to the baby-boomers. U2, Fugees and West identify with teh kidz.  And what kind of ego picks a song (Yes We Can) full of his own speechifying as one of his favorite songs? Carly Simon called and confirms that this song is indeed about you.

McCain’s List

1. Dancing Queen ABBA
2. Blue Bayou Roy Orbison
3. Take a Chance On Me ABBA
4. If We Make It Through December Merle Haggard
5. As Time Goes By Dooley Wilson
6. Good Vibrations The Beach Boys
7. What A Wonderful World Louis Armstrong
8. I’ve Got You Under My Skin Frank Sinatra
9. Sweet Caroline Neil Diamond
10. Smoke Gets In Your Eyes The Platters

Though more traditional, this list seems more genuine and reflective of the candidate. Boring and predictable as Velveeta, my friends. Any list with TWO songs by ABBA can’t be the result of GOP operatives sitting up all night brainstorming what will play in Peoria, can it? The thing that jumps out is that there isn’t a song on that list recorded since Jimmy Carter was POTUS.  You can’t really pick on any of those songs for being anything other than safe choices. All are pleasant, inoffensive tunes that have been around since forever. Again, reflective of the candidate.  Pretty fly for an old guy.

If I had to pick the top ten for each candidate, it would be more like this:

Obama

1. Running on Empty Jackson Browne

2. A Change is Gonna Come Sam Cooke

3. It’s A Mans, Mans, Mans, Mans World (Hillary Clinton remix) James Brown

4. Papa Was a Rolling Stone The Temptations

5. Losing My Religion R.E.M.

6. The Great Pretender The Platters

7. Ohio Crosby, Stills and Nash

8. Do Ya Think I’m Sexy Rod Stewart

9. I Put A Spell On You Screamin’ Jay Hawkins

10. Born in the USA Bruce Springsteen

McCain

1. Whipping Post The Allman Brothers Band

2. Help! The Beatles

3. What’d I Say? Ray Charles

4. Jailhouse Rock Elvis Presley

5. Folsom Prison Blues Johnny Cash

6. Both Sides Now Joni Mitchell

7. Tell It Like It Is Aaron Neville

8. You Can’t Always Get What You Want The Rolling Stones

9. With A Little Help From My Friends The Beatles

10. Whiter Shade of Pale Procol Harum

I wonder what Bob Barr’s listening to?

The Sincerest Form of Flattery

July 30, 2008

Compare this inelegant and poorly written old chunk of coal from March of last year

Is Al Gore trying to sound like Jor-El? Look for him to start using his carbon offsets to build a rocket ship to escape our doomed world. In an ironic twist, the neighbor’s rocket will be far more energy efficient. With any luck, Al will wind up on the Planet of the ManBearPigs.

…with this shiny hand pressed diamond from The Onion dated today.

Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet.

Now I’m not saying that the fine folks over at The Onion are stealing material from my blog. That would be plain idiotic. After all, theirs is definitely a funnier and more fleshed out version of the idea. Almost like someone was paid to sit and come up with this stuff and had an editor to help with bringing the humorishness, instead of word vomiting a bunch of stuff into the home computer between Little League practice and getting the baby to go to sleep. It just makes me, after more than a year of using this “Jor-Al” bit, a little flummoxed about it being co-opted by one of the big boys. But, I’m not bitter. Oh, no sir. This isn’t the first time one of my ideas has mysteriously wound up finding life in more talented hands.

It clearly won’t be the last, YOU BASTARDS!

Better Things To Do

June 24, 2008

Posts around here have been sparse in recent months. To my dear and devoted readers, tough shit. I’m not your blog monkey. A wiser man once said, “I do this to entertain me, not you.” That’s so true, I wish I came up with it first.

There have been plenty of things to vent my spleen about here lately, but I just can’t squeeze out the five hundred or so well-crafted words about current events, celebrity deaths and embarrassing tales of my youth like I used to. Unlike during the Golden Age of Blogging, I have a goddamn job now. Not a job like when I owned the company and could sit in my office and fuck off online while my inexhaustible supply of cheap Guatemalan minions toiled to make downtown loft living a reality for struggling twenty-somethings making six figures a year. No, this is a real job with timecards and accountability and expectations of work being done. Something that many of you find foreign and vaguely threatening.

So unlike the aforementioned many of you, I don’t get to bitch about every little thing in my life on the company dime.

Or the government’s dime for that matter. While we are on this topic, indulge me for a second. State workers are pissing and moaning about cuts in payroll and a couple thousand have been offered some kind of buy-out deal from the Employment For Life program that they feel entitled to. Now I have some friends who are state employees and of course they aren’t included in the kind of folks we are about to discuss and are selfless public servants who do a fine job each and every day. However, in the course of my professional life I have had many opportunities to interact with several different departments of state government. From my field observations, a more worthless brand of human life you won’t find outside of a crack house or a Star Trek convention than in any random State of Tennessee cubicle farm.

Imagine a floor of an office building devoted to say, the Department of Environmental Conservation. Each and every time I go in there, the staff is lethargic to the point of narcolepsy and visibly annoyed that they are roused from their stupor to take your stupid form that you are required to fill out by law and turn in to them. Though they proudly show you the thousands of dollars of Darth Maul merchandise adorning their desk. In fact, as you look around, you notice that each cubicle is decorated in a manner where it is obvious that it took hours. These are not people who are planning on going anyfuckingwhere. Ever.

Here’s how Dollar Phil Bredesen needs to chop the deadwood out of the budget. Hold a Cubicle Decoration Contest. First five hundred entrants get a prize. A pink slip. That will send a message to the rest of these mouth breathers to do something other than suck off the taxpayer’s teat.

But, I digress.

The point of all this is, I don’t have the time to update here on anything even minimally approaching a regular basis. Posts here will be legal, safe and rare. Or is that abortions? I can never keep those two straight.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of posts waiting to be written about the floods in the Midwest, Amy Winehouse, Don Imus and the upcoming political season. I just don’t know when I’m going to get around to it.

I have better things to do.

What The Dooce?

May 4, 2008

Let this one roll around in your brain for a few minutes:

Say that a blogger gets fired from his or her day job for blogging. (Recent high profile media examples here and here.) It is a common enough tale to become almost a cliche.

But what would your reaction be if you found out a spiteful blogger, for no other reason than to fuck you over and with whom you had some petty online disagreement, went and outed you to your corporate overlords who didn’t take too kindly to your potty mouth and intemperate opinions? You get shit-canned and your online arch-nemesis is crowing over his/her “victory”.

What would your reaction be?

The first emotional reaction would be to go all Nazi Ed Norton and make him/her bite the curb. As appealing as that sounds, the real drawback to that plan is that in addition to being unemployed, you would be facing numerous felony assault charges.

Instead, could your honor and desire for revenge be better served in a court of law? If someone intentionally and willfully engaged in behavior that caused you to lose your source of income, and you could prove their intent, are they exposed to the ugly end of a big fat lawsuit full of compensatory and punitive damages and what not?

I await the Solomon-like wisdom and Matlock-like legal expertise of all seven of my readers to hold forth with their opinions.