Archive for the ‘Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys’ Category

Sold American

May 24, 2007

Throughout the various stages of our lives, we all have someone we consider to be our best friend.  While I was in the Army, John D. Stephens was my best friend.  I don’t have the bandwidth to start telling the stories from when we were soldiers.  My kids will hear most of the stories eventually and will get tired of them all ending with, “Hilarity ensued.”

Most of the major events of our post-war* lives ran parallel.  There’s a certain Lincoln/Kennedy similarity to it all.  Hell, we started our blogs within a few months of one another without knowing it.

He runs a blog called Isoglossia.  It’s a fancy term for some linguistic thingy or something.**  Anydamnway, JDS is living on this Isoglossia, which may or may not be melting, over in Slovenia.  He teaches English to people who will eventually use it against us.  His site is full of pictures of his handsome children, beautiful wife, old buildings and humorous road signs.  If it were any funnier, you would need a diaper and a Wet Wipe Warmer.

His blog is up for one of those blog awards that look fucking awesome on a mantle, bookshelf, toilet tank, in HTML.  I believe he should win so that we may claim to have unfairly influenced foreign elections.   I’ll let Mr. Stephens make his Jerry Lewisian plea to you directly:

I will get straight to the point. Through what is obviously some sort of clerical error, our website,, has been nominated for an honor awarded by A Fistful OF Euros. This is a reasonably widely-read and -respected Eurocentric blog/news site, so we’re pretty agog at having been one of only five sites nominated in our category (“Best Expatriate Weblog”).

You may have already seen my recent self-promoting post on the topic, and maybe you’ve even already voted. We would be happy to see the prize go to any of the other sites in the running, but of course we’d be happiest of all to see it go to us. The odd thing is that while some categories are attracting large numbers of votes, ours is a relative backwater. This makes it conceivable that we could snatch victory from the jaws of defeat  — we started off dismally last and are currently in a reasonably healthy second place. As it stands now, if just a few dozen additional people cast their votes for us we could edge out the Parisian leader. So anyone you could get to vote for us through word of mouth, cheerleading blog post, or forwarding this email message could make all the difference and save me from having to get all sour-grapesy about the faux glory of What Could Have Been.
This is where you come in.  Get yer ass over to this site and vote immediately.   If you don’t, the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys will have won.
* By “post-war”, I mean six weeks in Kuwait a year or so after all the shooting had stopped.

**I know what it is, but part of our comedic chemistry is that I play the uneducated rustic type who uses his ignorance as a cudgel.  Not much of a stretch, I know.


“Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees? So the Rioters can march in the shade.”

April 11, 2006

 "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain.

How is this for a movie idea?  A French remake of Animal House.  Cast Jaques Chirac as Dean Wormer and Gerard Depardieu as Bluto.  Instead of having the Death Mobile crash the Homecoming Parade, you have millions of smelly French kids stage a massive protest about employment laws and the right to hold toga parties.  Sure, it can’t be any funnier than what is really happening in France, but remakes rarely are better than their predecessors.

Let’s get right to the heart of this.  The Government of France is surrendering to a bunch of college kids.  Can it get anymore humiliating?  In our history, we have had widespread student demonstrations.  Fortunately, we had the leadership of Richard M. Nixon, who with the judicious use of the Ohio National Guard, nipped it in the bud, as Barney Fife used to say.

I’ll give the entitlement lovin’ French students this, they carried banners which read "We Will Never Surrender".  That’s a statement you would never hear their parents or grandparents utter.   And therein lies the problem.  Generations of Frogs have grown up without any fleeting idea of self-sufficiency, work ethic or personal hygiene.  It has been drilled into their heads by the quasi-Communist dumbasses who have been running the country for the last sixty years.

Picking on the French for being arrogant layabouts is pretty easy pickings.   It is almost as easy as picking on Sharon Stone.  You know, them both being arrogant whores and all.

How does this affect us?  Michael Barone compares it to our automotive industry.

We can see something of France in Michigan. Delphi, spun off from General Motors in 1999, is in bankruptcy and threatening to drag its parent down with it. The problem is overgenerous pay and benefits and lifetime tenure (GM has a jobs bank that pays laid-off workers not to work). High costs have hampered Delphi and GM in competing in the marketplace. They tend to produce second-rate stuff that can bring in enough cash to meet the payroll.

Even with the influx of the illegal aliens, we still have a jobless rate of around 4.7%.  Compare that to the 10% unemployment (23% among young workers) that France currently has.  Despite the calls from certain quarters on how unfair it is, our economic system is far more efficient and rewarding than the stagnant slow death that France is experiencing.

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know." P.J O’Rourke


“Yer Doin’ A Heck Of A Job, Chirackie”

November 7, 2005

In what can only be described as a glacially quick move on the part of the French government, curfews have been declared, police reserves have been called up and shoulders have been shrugged in response to the Twelve Days of Rioting (On the First Day of Rioting, my Mullah gave to me…) that have plagued the crappier neighborhoods of France.

In an informal study of news coverage pertaining to this story, the average mention of the who part of the basic interrogatives shows up around the fifth paragraph.   Whaddya know, dem youts is Muslim youts.

 From Boortz

France, in case you cared, is home to Europe’s largest Muslim community. Sixty million French, and about 10% of them are Muslims.  For the past five years these Muslims in France have been confining their attacks to synagogues, Jewish schools and other symbols of Judaism.  Officials didn’t seem to get all that worked up over the attacks as long as Jews and Jewish institutions were the target.  Now the attacks have spread beyond Jewish targets.  How many cities are under attack in France now?  Sixty? 

It’s not just France.  Mark Steyn writes in the Chicago Sun-Times that in Brussels Belgian police officers are advised not to be seen drinking coffee in public during Ramadan.  In some Swedish cities ambulance drivers will not go into Muslim areas without police escorts.

This isn’t the first time that France has been under attack by Muslims.  It happened before.   It happened in 732.  The French (amazingly) turned them back.  If they hadn’t, the entire history of the Western world might be very much different today.  If you want the details,   Read Steyn’s column..

 Here’s an idea, let’s send Michael Brown to France to help them coordinate their response.  He would work circles around those jerks.

Where is Vercingetorix when you need him?  Yeah, I know he lost, but at least he put up a better fight than his descendants have been able to muster for the last couple of hundred years.


I Love The Smell Of Napalmed Smurf In The Morning

October 11, 2005

Kleinheider, if that is his name, got the ball rolling this morning with a mention of the following film clip.  Thanks to the brave souls in the French Resistance (Jean-Luc, this means you) for smuggling this out of their occupied land

Hey, who do you suppose is bombing the Smurfs anyway?  You don’t suppose the froggy cartoon is trying to make a statement on American air superiority do you?

I don’t know what the newcaster in the clip was saying.  I only know common French phrases like "I surrender".