Archive for the ‘Celebrity Whackjobs’ Category

Forgotten Haiku

December 5, 2007

Heather Mills

Cry me a river 
Pegleg the Gold-Digging Whore
Go work at IHOP 
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A Girl’s Best Friend

October 17, 2007

Normally, these sorts of stories go right into the “Who Gives A Shit” file.

To recap, Ellen DeGeneres adopted a dog from some sort of rescue operation.  Being it the Litigious State of California, she signed a bunch of papers with the do’s and don’ts of dog ownership outlined.  The dog didn’t get along well with her cats.  The dog got handed off to the hairdresser’s family.  Dog rescuers became aware of this possible danger to the dog and showed up at the hairdresser’s house demanding the dog back.  Ellen goes on television sobbing like a mother without tits.  Dog rescuers get death threats from Ellen’s fans.  Hilarity ensued.

That about cover everything?

Here’s what I want to know, if someone showed up at your door claiming to be from Puppy Liberation Front, or whatever the fuck sanctimonious Gladys Kravitz pet shop they claim to be from, and said you had to give up the dog that your children had bonded with, because  they had a piece of paper signed by a talk show host, what would you do?

I don’t know what kind of sheep the people of California have become, but at Casa Sarcastro you aren’t getting a damn thing without a warrant or a bigger gun.   If you think you can show up at our door and waive some Word document in order to take one of our family pets without needing medical attention, you are welcome to try.

Except for maybe this goddamn kitten.  You can have him.  His cute and rambunctious behavior is no longer cute at 2 a.m. when he is sitting on my forehead purring and digging his claws into my scalp.

On the other side of the celebrity/canine spectrum, how much must it suck to be Randi Rhodes dog?  First, the poor pooch has to bear mute witness to Randi’s indiscretions and dissembling.  Second, other Barney Gumbles in the bar mistaking the dog for Randi’s twin sister when making lurid suggestions concerning the three of them “go back to my place”.

Poor doggie.

Get Me A Bottle Of Naive

July 7, 2007

Here’s the deal Hollywood, I’ll stop idling my car at intersections when you stop making Fast and the Furious movies. Other than appealing to the booger-eating moron and Asian kid demographic, they have no reason to exist. I’ll compare my carbon footprint with one of your $100 million crapfests any day of the damn week.

Does this tunic make me look fat?Speaking of Hollywood crapfests, Jor-El is having his idiotic concertapalooza today. Never mind the hypocrisy and pointlessness of the entire affair. What intrigues me is his handling of Jor-El III’s arrest and subsequent entry into rehab.

What’s more important to you? Your kid got pinched for winding a Prius up to its theoretical limit or a dumb concert that you are putting on? John Ridley (who, by the way, is making MSNBC watchable in the a.m. again) brings up an inconvenient truth about Jor-El’s priorities. Short version, if you can’t save your kid, how can you save the world? What are you saving the world for, if not for your kids?

There will be plenty of bottled water on hand, I’m sure. What is a celebrity without a ubiquitous bottle of Evian. Oops, bottled water is bad for the planet. Hey, don’t throw away that bottle of water! That’s even worse. Buy some carbon offsets and I’m sure it will all come out in the wash. Remember, Evian spelled backwards is “Naive”.

As far as this heat wave and drought this summer across our nation, why is it that the drumbeat is about how Global Warming  is to blame? When it was cold and a blizzard shut down a Climate Change conference, the same know-it-alls said, “Don’t confuse weather with climate.”

Well, right back-atcha, sport.

Now excuse me, I have to go fill my pick-up with evil gasoline.

Freak Show

February 13, 2007

Last night I watched a program on TLC called My Unique Family. People with families that are considered outside the norm are featured. Upcoming episodes will feature Wiccans and a husband and wife who have kept their family together despite his sex-change operation.

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Last night’s episode focused on Bree Walker and her family. For years, Bree was the archetype of the beautiful, blonde local news anchor. She also has a condition called Ectrodactyly, also known as lobster-claw syndrome. Sadly, after watching an hour of this, it became pretty clear that the deformed hands and feet were the least freakish thing about her.

Both her son and daughter have the same condition. They are good looking kids. The son, fifteen, is having a hard time dealing with it along with the usual problems of being fifteen. The daughter, who is college age, comes across as very confident and strong. Like her mother, you soon forget she has anything “wrong” with her.

What is wrong with Bree is the obscene amount of plastic surgery she has undergone. This was a stunningly beautiful woman. Whichever quack blew her lips up to innertube size should have his license revoked. That face lift isn’t helping matters either. I wound up not even caring about her ectrodactyly and could only focus on the grotesque mockery her face has become.

The whole episode made me reflect uncharacteristically on the whole concept of women and their body image issues. It seems almost cliche, but women of a certain age get a little weird about their aging appearance in the LA/Orange County/San Diego Corridor. Collagen injections, Botoxed faces and big fake titties are not an unusual sight from the desert to the sea, in all of Southern California. What I think is unusual is how someone who has faced their “deformity” head-on and excelled in a field that demands physical perfection, would feel it necessary to go under the knife in order to look younger.

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Rather than look younger, she looks like a freak. And there’s the pity.

Postscript: This isn’t one of those deals where I pick a celebrity and cruelly mock them and their stupidity. After watching that show, it seems like Bree Walker has fallen for the same scam most women her age in SoCal have fallen for. It’s a shame. In researching this, I came across an news article that Bree Walker has recently entered rehab for alcohol abuse. I hope she finds the help she needs.

Give Me Back My Sun God!

December 21, 2005

The teaser trailer for Mel Gibson’s pre-Columbian epic, Apocalypto is out in glorious Quicktime.  Enjoy it in all of its gloriousness here.

 Look for Mel’s trademark practical jokester persona to be subliminally inserted about halfway through the teaser with this frame, that will go by so fast you might miss it.

mel1.jpg 

 

 

Dumbest. Stoner. Ever.

May 12, 2005

Now I’m not one to call NFL players stupid.  Mainly because they
are bigger than me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good sized boy and
can intimidate my way out of any fight, usually.  But these
bastards are real big and hitting people is a crucial part of their
profession.
But I will call Onterrio Smith 
stupid.  He isn’t stupid because he plays football.  He isn’t
stupid because of the way he spells his first name.  He is,
however, stupid for getting caught not once, but twice violating the
NFL dope smoking policy.  Although to be fair, he is technically
guilty of trying to cheat the test, which incriminates him and gets him
an automatic FAILURE on his piss test.
Let’s say someone is offering to pay you somewhere in the high six
figures to the low seven figures to play professional football as long
as you don’t smoke any weed.   How fucking hard is it to put
the bong down for a couple of years?  The only thing worse than
being so dumb you can’t figure that out is being caught at the airport
with a rubber dick called “The Wizzanator”.
I’m not bashing the recreational usage of cannabis.  Smoke all you
want and hook a brother up some time.  But why jeopardize your
career, your maximum earnings potential, and your future for a case of
the giggles and the munchies?

—–

The love of chess is the root of all evil.

April 18, 2005

Does anyone really give a rat’s ass about Bobby Fischer? 
Here is a guy that no one had even thought of since 1972.  He
shows up back in 1992 to play chess for three million bucks in the
former Yugoslavia against his old pal Spassky, and so naturally Uncle Sam wants
to lock him up.  Evidently, now he has denounced his US citizenship and is
hiding out in Iceland after the Japanese were going to turn him over to
the Feds. 

Here is what I don’t get.  Yeah, he spit on some government
documents and told the State Department to go fuck themselves. He was
going to play chess whenever and against whomever.  If they didn’t
like it, tough shit.  Good for him.  And yeah, he is crazier
than a shithouse rat.  He was born Jewish, couldn’t be more
Jewish, so logically he has taken a position that all Jews are evil or
something like that.  Sounds pretty crazy to me, makes sense to him.  So the part
that I don’t get is–why do we want this crazy bastard back?  Let
him live in Iceland or whatever country wants to put up with his jackoff
antics.  Not our problem anymore.  Let’s keep it that
way.  One less anti-Semitic, anti-American, anti-common sense
whacko breathing my air and drinking my water.

Last time I checked Osama Bin Laden is still doing the hokey-pokey near
the Pakistan/Afghan border.  Howzabout we take the money, time ,
resources and effort being used to track down a chess geek and go after
someone who is an ACTUAL threat, not a goofballwho is one step above a
glorified D&D player.