Just Another Day at Work

by

The following things happened yesterday while at work.  No kidding.

1.  At a Turkish family’s home, about a dozen relatives were milling about while I was there to fix the phones.  It was a simple matter of getting them back into “the switch”.  One of the family members slipped into the bathroom next to where I was and proceeded to play the ass trumpet.  For five solid minutes.  The whole time I’m on the phone with the secret special department that handles these phone issues, I’m hearing this sound in the background.  I hope it was the grandfather.

2. A Redneck gentleman had requested a DVR be installed out in his storage shed, where he spent most of his time.  He had the shed set up as the ultimate bachelor pad, if Karl Childers happens to be the ultimate bachelor.   During the interminable wait to get the equipment on his account and get it updated,  he launched into a stream of consciousness rant about several topics, mostly concerning how this country is “going down the goddamn shitter”.   One of the more memorable rants was about working at the Nissan plant when it first opened.

“So I’m working on the scissor lifts and there was this fine ass little girl about five foot tall who was a welder out there.  She was a pretty looking thing.  Well, she’s working up on the lift and sets the torch down an the stinger is facing up.  She squats down to pick up a tool and that fucking stinger burns her right in the twat.  She starts fucking screaming bloody murder.  I get her down from there and it went right through her jeans and burns her twat.  We got to be pretty close after that and she tells me later that burn was the best thing to happen to her sex life.  It did something down there and she says her twat became more sensitive.  I broke me off a piece a couple of times.  We were real close.”

His cell phone rings.

“Yeah.  Yeah, I know!  I’m the only around here who knows what the fuck is going on you fucking nitwit!”

“Who was that?”  I asked already knowing the answer.

“That was my fucking wife.  That’s why I spend all my time out here.  I go in there to sleep, eat and take a shit.  Hey, want to hear a song I wrote?”

3. The news came on at another customer’s house and the story was about nursing home patients being molested by their caregivers.  The customer proceeded to tell me about her mother who is in a nursing home and how the male caregivers have to watch out for Mom.  Seems without any virile males in Momma’s age range, she is a little frustrated.  We go now to the transcript of the story.

Customer:  So, Momma is in this here nursing home and she be getting horny as hell.  We thought she had a urinary tract infection, too much information I know, but it wasn’t.  Turns out, it was a banana.

Me:  (jaw agape)  Do what now?

Customer:  I know!  A banana up in her!  Couldn’t believe it.  Didn’t know whether or not to tell my brothers.  Sheeeit!

Me:  Did you tell them?

Customer:  Yeah, I told them.  I made one of them go with me to buy Momma a dildo.

Me:  Do what now?

Customer:  Yeah, do you know what it’s like going dildo shopping for your mother?

Me:  Can’t say that I do.

Customer:  Well, we were walking around and my brother says, “What size do we buy her?”  I said, “Banana sized, I guess”.

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11 Responses to “Just Another Day at Work”

  1. Freaky Weasel Says:

    1. What happened to the banana?

    2. Did the gent in account #2 happen to have a brown tooth?

  2. Sarcastro Says:

    1. I find it best not to ask too many probing follow up questions about the things that the elderly stick up their vaginas.

    2. Possibly they were all brown.

  3. sgazzetti Says:

    Whyn’t you head on out to that there nursin’ home and break you off a piece?

    You must go through a hell of a lot of ‘Do what now?’s in a day’s work.

  4. wheresbobbleheadgeorge Says:

    Write a weekly report here. Better yet, start a new one with a catchy title. In six months, you’ll have a book deal, like What White People Like and Hot Chicks with Douchebags.

    Start with the one about the guy who cut his buddy’s service off as a joke on his kid’s birthday.

  5. Sarcastro Says:

    I could start it with the guy who is still holding a grudge six months later and won’t let it go.

  6. wheresbobbleheadgeorge Says:

    That’s guy’s a prick. And it’s only been five months.

  7. kate Says:

    oh dear god, I’m in tears over here.

  8. Sarcastro Says:

    kate,
    Judging by the week you are having, I’m hoping those are tears of laughter. Remember, you can’t spell “slaughter” without “laughter”.

  9. fluffernutter Says:

    So the way dildo-man’s mind works: telling you she had a urinary tract infection was too much information, but telling you she needed her bell rung more often isn’t too much information?

  10. Sarcastro Says:

    I think the woman’s entire conversation with me concerning her mother can be safely filed under “Too Much Information”.

  11. Scott Says:

    I just spit a mouthful of half-chewed raisin bran all over my desk. Thanks.

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