Great Caesar’s Fat Ass!

by

Run, Fatboy, Run!

It’s called getting old, dipshit. Your metabolism won’t let you eat and drink like Falstaff and not gain a pound anymore. It’s having a job and kids and no time for much except scarfing down some unhealthy food at lunch, helping the kids with homework, taking them to ball practice, squeezing in some quick dinner, catching maybe an hour of prime-time television and falling asleep by 9:30 so you can get up and do it all over again.

And don’t give me that pantload about giving up the watching television hour in order to get to the gym. That’s the decompression time used to get the kids to wind down and ready for bed. Take your “Live Strong” wristband off and shut the fuck up.

Getting up at four every morning may be an option. Well, an option for someone highly motivated and willing to do whatever it takes to get back in shape. Obviously, that isn’t me. If it were, I wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with.

Cutting out booze isn’t really an option. There is so little to cut out.  My liquor intake is a tiny fraction of what it was just a few years ago. I bought a six-pack five days ago, and there is still a beer left in it. Shocking, I know, but true.

Part of the weight loss equation that is oft-forgotten is time. These fad diets, meal plans and magazine covers talk about losing the weight or getting in shape in like six or eight weeks. True, if you change your diet and exercise regimen, you will notice a change within the first month or two. About that time, you also feel like you can go on autopilot. Your body figures out what’s going on and makes adjustments.  That’s when the weight comes right back with a vengeance. There’s no point to doing it at all if once you start eating bread again, you fatten right back up.

Here’s my plan. Stay away from junk foods, soft drinks and anything with high fructose corn syrup. Eat balanced meals with sensible portions. Exercise whenever time permits. The goal is to lose 2.5 pounds per month. By next Paddy’s Day, that will be thirty pounds. That’s thirty pounds that will stay off.

Otherwise, the alternative is to continue down the same path.

I wondered where all the phone booths went.

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2 Responses to “Great Caesar’s Fat Ass!”

  1. Lard Ass Says:

    Conversation at work:

    B: “We should go to the gym at lunch.”

    J: “That’s a good idea, we should.”

    B: “Problem is, I really like going to lunch at lunch.”

    J: “Yeah, me too.”

    B: “Maybe we’ll start tomorrow.”

    Repeat daily.

  2. Exador Says:

    Red is a good color for you. Exactly what is the statute of limitations on that St paddy’s day?

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