Save The Planet, Kill Yourself


Tennesseans For Genocide. That’s the name of the new organization I’m starting up. Our motto is, “We Must Destroy Humanity In Order To Save It.”

Face it, if history teaches us anything, genocide is The Solution to every problem facing mankind. Canaanites squatting on the land that your invisible pal promised you? Kill ’em all, let Yahweh sort ’em out. Armenians doing whatever it is Armenians do in your backyard? Wipe ’em out. It will be decades before anyone gives a shit. Too many educated people screwing up your worker’s paradise? Put them out to pasture.

Isn’t this the real goal of today’s environmental movement? It ain’t authentic Global Warming without Man Made™ Global Warming on the label. We’re told that humans are using up all the oil, burning down the forests, paving over the wetlands, expanding their settlements into the heretofore peaceful critter’s habitats. The unspoken inference is that the world would be a whole lot better off if there were less humans.

Personally, I would feed the still-beating heart of the last, lazy panda to my children if it meant our survival.  What we are being fed, thanks to the Humans Are Bad movement, is a steady diet of thin gruel based on the assumption that the snail darter has as much, if not more, right to live here as I do.  Bad or not, I’m the one with the fishing pole and the opposable thumbs.

One of the cool things about the internet is that you don’t have to be Adrian Veidt to suss out the collective zeitgeist. Population Reduction is in the hidden gremlin in all of these conversations. Over at Slate they are openly considering the idea.

A new non-fiction release that I’m looking forward to, but can’t summon up the lack of decency to purchase, is The World Without Us. A book that postulates what the earth would look like and how things would be “better” for the environment. Proof of concept as reviewed with breathless anticipation to join the dinosaur over at Salon.  I am not willingly going to slouch towards extinction, thank you very much.  Earth First?  How about, You First.

If it has to happen, let us make sure it happens on our terms. Seems that a billion Chinese and a billion on the subcontinent would be as good a place as any to thin the herd. Hell, the Indians think they are going to be reincarnated anyway, so no big deal.  According to their religion, we’re doing them a favor, or something.

According to God’s Favorite Republicans, we aren’t making white people fast enough. If we thin out the numbers of the Indians and Chinee, we might stand a chance, statistically speaking. Crank out a vicious little bug of the superflu in Shanghai, Beijing, Islamabad and Dehli. Concurrently open up a canister of the same in Mecca, Mogadishu, Tehran and Khartoum. That should get the Mohammedans to simmer down for a few centuries with all that irresponsible talk about holy war.

I’m not saying we won’t get our hair mussed, but we’re talking ten million, twenty million dead…tops. That still would leave us in a decent position population wise to rebuild society.

Which brings us to the Pied Piper of the Apocalypse.

What about all those hurricanes that Jor-Al showed us in Power Point? Maybe next year. I know Sheryl Crow was really looking forward to them wiping out people’s homes and businesses so she could be right. The scientists whose funding depends on making dire predictions aren’t even behind this myth.

Now Jor-Al has won a prize. For Peace. Sure a billion people will have to die for us to have that peace, but it will be peace at last. From the Nobel Committee’s press release:

Extensive climate changes may alter and threaten the living conditions of much of mankind. They may induce large-scale migration and lead to greater competition for the earth’s resources. Such changes will place particularly heavy burdens on the world’s most vulnerable countries. There may be increased danger of violent conflicts and wars, within and between states.

Now we’re talking!

Think of the world you want to leave your children? Doesn’t the one with less people sound better?  Are you going to be able to afford to launch your only son into space in a flying Prius?  Drunkenly bouncing around the galaxy looking for a suitable planet to colonize and maybe get a little high.  I don’t think so.

No, you’ll be stuck here, watching the fall and rebirth of human civilization.

It will be like Disneyland without the crowds.


14 Responses to “Save The Planet, Kill Yourself”

  1. Exador Says:

    Well, OF COURSE you’d say that NOW. You’ve got three, count em, three yuppie larvae running around your house.


  2. Sarcastro Says:

    Genetic dead ends like you will be the first ones to go, of course.

  3. Exador Says:

    True enough, but I can burn all the oil I want.

  4. Music City Bloggers » Blog Archive » You Are A Waste Of Space Says:

    […] brings us his thoughts on environmentalism in the way that only HE can. It ain’t authentic Global Warming without Man Made™ Global Warming […]

  5. Scott Smith Says:

    I just got the promos from NPR for tomorrow’s shows (fund drive, yes, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry). Tomorrow’s Day to Day has a story about human impact on the environment. The promo features a quote from someone who actually says, “If I really want to help the environment, the best thing I can do is just… die.”

    Ya’ know, dude, I don’t have a problem with that. Knock yourself out. Literally. The environement and I thank you.

  6. Sarcastro Says:


    Listening to NPR’s incessant yammering about The Climate on every damn program is what brought me to the logical conclusion that billions must die to heal Mother Earth.

    Some call it mass murder, I call it ‘reducing your carbon footprint’.

  7. Guy who's trying to completely ruin Kat's Julia Roberts movie-watching experience Says:

    Sarcastro, don’t you understand? We have to save the planet for the children. And the best way to save the planet is to not have children.

    Save the planet for the next generation! That you shouldn’t be having!

    Thinking of children? Think of the children!

  8. Guy who's trying to completely ruin Kat's Julia Roberts movie-watching experience Says:

    I thought of another one: “Our children are our future, and our future is an environmental apocalypse.”

  9. Exador Says:

    Well, Hell is for children, at least according to Pat Benatar.

  10. Sarcastro Says:

    To update and steal from Steve Martin,
    “I believe that Al Gore can make this country what it once was; a large Arctic region covered in ice.”

  11. The Sincerest Form of Flattery « Watching The Defectives Says:

    […] computer between Little League practice and getting the baby to go to sleep. It just makes me, after more than a year of using this “Jor-Al” bit, a little flummoxed about it being co-opted by one of the big boys. But, I’m not bitter. Oh, […]

  12. sell home fast Says:

    sell home fast…

    […]Save The Planet, Kill Yourself « Watching The Defectives[…]…

  13. Hannah Middleton Says:

    The snail-darter is only superior to you if brain-power is the
    criterion used.What the world needs is more Anders Breviks
    and less Mother Theresa’s.

  14. Edda Lepke Says:

    i really julia roberts because of her natural looks and style ”

    Our new website

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: