Apologies To Kevin Smith


I still don’t get the big deal about Porch Monkeys.

As ably dramatized in the above clip, the phrase has an unfortunate racial overtone associated with it.  In the Free To Be You And Me carousel of my racially color-blind childhood,  it was always applied to kids in general.  It was considered to be from the same subset as “rug-rats” or “ankle-biters”.  In retrospect, however, I have to wonder if “yard apes” have fallen into the same taboo category.

When I tell my kids to “quit monkeying around”, is it racist?  Or, is “horsing around” more culturally sensitive?  Does that offend people with horse faces, like former NFL player Shannon Sharpe?

I can’t say “quit dickin’ around” because they might get some horseshit, bullshit complex about their bodies and their gender identification.  No doubt they would wind up in therapy and be forced to sit through Free To Be You and Me.

Plus, their mother is on my ass about swearing at the children.

My real question is, if no offense is intended, then how can offense be inferred?  If you call someone who, say, cuts you off in traffic a “cocksucker”, are you suddenly some sort of irredeemable homophobe?

Now there are two similes that I enjoy immensely which I learned from my friends who are from the darker end of the crayon box.

“Spends money like a nigger with a hit record”


“Beat him like a runaway slave”

I love those two phrases so much I want to run off to Utah, don some silly boxer/briefs and get married in the Temple to them.   Maybe President Romney will let me.  Alas, even he won’t be able to keep Rev. Sharpton from calling for me to be fired, despite the usage amongst and stamp of approval from my black pals.

It isn’t a double standard problem, but rather one of no offense intended, none inferred.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where you can’t have a private conversation with a friend and say something innocuous like, “Don’t be so niggardly with the hot sauce” without someone overhearing it and getting their dashiki in a twist.   More’s the pity.

Like the man said, “Ain’t like he called us ‘porch monkeys’.


6 Responses to “Apologies To Kevin Smith”

  1. Perfected Jews « Tiny Cat Pants Says:

    […] said nonsense is actually hurtful to people, which, in a way, explains why I cannot agree with dear Sarcastro.  There are plenty of times when it doesn’t matter whether the person intended to be an […]

  2. Exador Says:

    “Spends money like a nigger with a hit record” does contain a negative stereotype, so I could see where someone could be offended, but “Beat him like a runaway slave” ? Well, you are offering an example of an extreme beating. That doesn’t mean you’re advocating slavery or justifying the beating of slaves.

    Therefore, I proclaim (ha!) that, while this saying may bring up an ugly time period, it is not, of itself, offensive.

  3. bridgett Says:

    I usually say “beat him like a government mule.” I guess that is offensive to animal rights people and people who aren’t conversant with the WWE but as Exador says, it’s not meant as an advocacy statement. My father used the term “nigger rich” to describe anyone who flashed around a wad of money on payday and made a big show of buying a round. I never have the opportunity to use that one because all my friends are cheap bastards who have direct deposit. I generally avoid using body parts as terms of denigration (because I’m a pussy about such things), with the exception of the word “asshat.” Somehow, the addition of -hat as a suffix just makes that one ok in my book.

  4. Sarcastro Says:

    Folks, you are going to have to bring your “A” game if you want to beat this for sheer humor and entertainment value:

    I generally avoid using body parts as terms of denigration (because I’m a pussy about such things),

  5. bridgett Says:

    Doing my part to kill the “humorless feminist” stereotype..or at least to dialogue the stereotype nonstop until it leaves of sheer boredom…

  6. Ron Says:

    For “horse face,” Shannon Sharp was the best you could do? What about my good friend Hilary Swank, aka Seabiscuit? Or Sarah Jessica Parker, the original Secretariat?

    “Don’t be so niggardly with the hot sauce, you cheap-ass Scottish Jew,” is still okay, right? I mean, it makes it clear you don’t look down on black people, but Jews and Scotsmen, so that makes it okay, right?

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