Dear Sixty Minutes


You need to hire me to replace Andy Rooney. He isn’t going to be around much longer and I’m sure you are sick of the office smelling like “old man”. Maybe that’s Morley’s office. Anyway, you need to come up with a successor in the case of Andy’s imminent demise. I am supremely qualified.

I’m grumpy and curmudgeonly. It isn’t too big of a leap for me to make statements offensive to women, gays, minorities and whoever else gets easily upset. I should live another 20-40 years. That kind of longevity is the reassuring comfort that the Sixty Minutes audience craves. An additional bonus would be that I’m at least 20 years younger than any of your other correspondents.

Here is just a sample of the kind of topics my commentaries would include:

What’s with the long fingernails on black guys?

When did this mole on my leg change colors?

When did people start dropping the letter “H” when followed by the letter “U”? Listening to the radio, I will hear the reporter say something like, “Hugo Chavez is a rotten human being and a huge asshole.” But, it sounds like “Yugo Chavez is a rotten yuman being and a yuge asshole.” That’s just pretentious. Stop it.

I wish Dabney Coleman didn’t have to do the voice over for Rent-A-Centers.

The Chinese are my favorite ethnic group. I love their food, their culture and how they get the women’s feet so small. So, is it wrong that I say, “Let’s get some Chink food.”? Because, I mean it affectionately.

Is Larry King still on the air? If so, why? “Sweet Embrace of Death, Hello!”

See, I can do this sort of thing all day. Hell, I could do it from home, which would really work out best for both of us. You probably don’t want me around your offices and I can’t think of one reason to move up there.

Unless, of course, the money is right.

Talk it over with whoever you need to. I’ll be waiting.

Your Pal,



4 Responses to “Dear Sixty Minutes”

  1. Mother Sarcastro Says:

    What mole on your leg changed colors?

  2. Nashville is Talking » Yunting for Grumpy & Curmudgeony Says:

    […] ever helpful Sarcastro has made an offer to 60 Minutes.  I think they should take him up on it. You need to hire me to replace Andy Rooney. He isn’t […]

  3. Lynnster Says:

    I always knew you reminded me someone. Yup, that would be it.

  4. It’s A No-Brainer « The Lynnster Zone Says:

    […] by Lynnster on October 12th, 2007 I am a bit tardy in posting my official endorsement of this brilliant idea, but […]

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