Holy Wrath

by

Oh God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son”

Abe says, “Man, you must be puttin’ me on”

God say, “No.” Abe say, “What?”

God say, “You can do what you want Abe, but The next time you see me comin’ you better run”

Well Abe says, “Where do you want this killin’ done?”

God says, “Out on Highway 61.”

So I’m thinking about this song while bouncing Sarcastro Jr. on my knee. After I put him to bed, I come to a couple of conclusions.

1) If it went down the way it says in the bible, that makes God kind of an asshole.

2) If it didn’t happen that way, then Abraham had a voice in his head telling him to kill his kid. Hello, Andrea Yates.

3) The creepiest Little House episode ever was the one where Michael Landon went all Abraham and was going to let his kid die on a spooky altar out in the wilderness.

So I broach this topic with Mrs. Sarcastro. I got as far as point #1 when the shit hit the fan.

Suffice to say, calling God an asshole is not acceptable around our house.

Can’t talk now.  I think she’s coming.  If you don’t hear from me in a while, call the authorities.

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14 Responses to “Holy Wrath”

  1. Exador Says:

    Did you plant that seed in her head to keep her from leaving you alone with him, thereby freeing you up for golf?

    Genius, pure genius.

  2. Sarcastro Says:

    I wish I were that fiendishly clever.

    When we haul Iraqi prisoners, for example, out in the courtyard and line them up for a firing squad and the sound of the unloaded weapon’s firing pin clicking is the last thing they hear before they wet their pants, that’s called “torture”.

    When God does it, it’s called “testing Abraham’s faith”.

    How did Abe explain that later to the kid? “Hey Dad, remember that time we went camping when I was a kid? I woke up and you were holding a knife over my head. You were weeping and talking to your invisible imaginary friend. What was up with that?”

    “Uh, er, (mumbles) godtoldmetokillyou.”

    “Do what now?”

    “God told me to kill you or I was going to get it. But at the last minute he changed his mind or something.”

    “Great. Happy Father’s Day, asshole. Here’s a Red Lobster gift certificate.”

    “Is this kosher?”

    “Yeah, it’s kosher, dad. God told me it was ok just this one time.”

    “Allrighty then!”

    There is great irony in the Patriarch of the Israelites being the first one to use the “I was just following orders” defense.

    The point I tried making to the wife was that if God wants my kid dead, he’ll have to come down and do his own dirty work.

  3. Scott Smith Says:

    Leave it to the public radio asshole to bring existentialist philosophy into the conversation. Don’t know if you’ve ever read Kierkegaard, but he had quite an obsession with ol’ Abe. It’s been a while since I read it, and I don’t remember which of his books it was in, but his question was: what exactly was in Abraham’s mind at the time of the near-sacrifice? Did he intend to go through with it on God’s orders or did he believe that it was a test of his faith and that God would stop him? If he believed he would be stopped and didn’t really intend to go through with it, then he was faithless and hardly deserving to be patriarch of three major religions. On the other hand, if he did intend to do it, he had murderous intent, and a murderer would also be unfit to be the patriarch of three religions. So according to Kierkegaard, either way Abe was a scumbag and God made a serious blunder in choosing him.

    Philosophy majors (yeah, we know you’re out there) correct me if my memory is faulty on this.

  4. Katherine Coble Says:

    I have a serious answer, but I won’t trouble you with it.

    I will argue though, that the creepiest Little House was the one with the clown rapist.

  5. RockyCat Says:

    Wow! I watched a lot of Little House as a kid, but I remember neither the “Charles goes batshit crazy” episode, nor the “Clown rapist” episode.

  6. Mrs. Sarcastro Says:

    Katherine, I need you in my corner. Please “trouble” us with your serious answer.

  7. Sarcastro Says:

    Clown rapist?

    I thought that was Victor French.

  8. Katherine Coble Says:

    Katherine, I need you in my corner. Please “trouble” us with your serious answer.

    I’ve tried. I’ve had the same conversation with this dude (ie. your husband) for like 2+ years now, and he just doesn’t jive with the whole mysticism of it.

    Clown rapist?

    I thought that was Victor French.

    Hah! That “Old DanTucker” song was tiresome. But, no. I’m talking the two-parter where Albert is in love with some crazy chick …oh hell. Why am I going to the trouble? Surely some other person has already summed it up. This is the frakkin’ internet.

    yep. This episode here

  9. Yes, There Was A Rapist Clown On Little House « Just Another Pretty Farce Says:

    […] big time. I wanted “Tears Of A Clown” out of my head, and he obliged with a blog post which made me think of Highway 61 Revisited instead. I’d rather ponder on a Dylan brainworm any […]

  10. Mrs. Sarcastro Says:

    I’ll never give up, Katherine. I have the “God of patience and comfort” on my side. I need both patience and comfort when dealing with “this dude” (i.e. my husband) and his viewpoint on religion. Other than that, life with Sarcastro is a breeze.

  11. sistasmiff Says:

    Mrs. Sarcastro…take it from your Sista….when it comes to husband types and matters of the spiritual, I have found through the years that the advice a former pastor gave me years ago in regards to my heathen husband was quite sound…Love him and don’t nag him about it. (Not that you nag him) Now Mr. Smiff was never an atheist or agnostic but his view of the Good Lord and biblical matters is WAY different than it was 15 years ago. I doubt he’ll ever be Deacon of the Week or be a regular in Sunday School, but, he has come to know and understand why Jesus is so important to me and in turn, has become important to him. I never beat him over the head with it (or anybody else) but I do my thing and something about it has rubbed off and in the process, we both have grown (stop rolling your eyes, Sarcastro) spiritually and together.

    You do what you do, Mrs. Sarcastro. You are doing great.

  12. Katherine Coble Says:

    I’ll never give up, Katherine.

    Nor should you. I’ve only partially given up…but that’s because I kind of think it’s mostly your problem now. ;-p

  13. Mrs. Sarcastro Says:

    Thanks, Sista, for the advice. I show concern but definitely don’t nag as that would get me absolutely nowhere with Sarcastro.

  14. Les Jones Says:

    Is a clown rapist some who dresses as a clown and rapes people, or a rapist who specializes in clowns?

    I don’t remember either of those episodes. The one I remember is Albert getting addicted to morphine and puking while he’s going cold turkey. They weren’t subtle about the puke, either. Albert was harking up big white balls of the stuff.

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