Still Waters Run Deep


Let me just remind you dear reader, that no matter how idiotic the level of discourse is on the inter-tube, it is much worse in public. Three examples, no real lessons:

Act I

I stupidly ate lunch the other day at Bar-B-Cutie. The Mothership was just out of range, so I settled. My trainee, Newbie, was with me. We were eating our meals and minding our own business.

Those of you from the South know quite well about a certain personality type. It is the woman who says whatever is on her mind to no one in particular in a loud voice. She inevitably resides on the lowest rung on the socio-economic ladder. Her preferred habitat is usually Waffle House. Nine times out of ten she is my waitress at the Waffle House. This time she was “working” the counter at Bar-B-Cutie.

“Man, everyone must be downtown.”

Newbie and I look at each other. We realize that she isn’t really talking to anyone in particular, but is trying to lure some poor, unsuspecting idiot into a pointless conversation. Naturally, I take the bait.

“Why would everyone be downtown?”

She looked at me with her beady, yellow eyes like I was one of her missing husbands who left her with all these durn kids.

“Well, Fan Fair, of course!”

“I’m sure all of the tourists are downtown.”

“Nah, anyone who ain’t workin’ today has got to be downtown for this thing.”

“Hey Newbie, if you weren’t working would you be downtown?”

“Dude, please leave me out of this.”

There’s no punchline other than the woman turned on her pudgy ankles and went back to bothering the cooks.

Act II

Newbie is in the van with me this morning. In front of us, getting on the interstate, is a car with a bumper sticker that read “Draft The Bush Twins”.

Newbie turns to me all confused like.

“What’s that say?”

“Draft the Bush Twins.”

“Bush Twins?”

“The president’s twin daughters.”

“Oh, yeah. (Long pause). I heard they were gay and shit.”


This evening I took the nine year old swimming in our community’s pool. On the walk down there was an oddly dressed elderly woman out in front of the club house. She was there to listen to a presentation extolling the benefits of snake oil. Nine turns to me and says,

“What’s up with that freak?”

“Son, you have to stop talking like me or your mom will go ape shit.”


2 Responses to “Still Waters Run Deep”

  1. sgazzetti Says:

    This whole thing, but particularly the second exchange, reminds me a bit too much of the hospital scene in “Idiocracy”, when the doctor’s diagnosis includes, “…and your shit’s all retarded…”

    Obviously these offerings are just the tip of the iceberg. Glad to hear you’re raising the boy up proper-like.

  2. Mrs. Sarcastro Says:

    “Proper-like” is a relative term, sgazzetti.

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