Sold American


Throughout the various stages of our lives, we all have someone we consider to be our best friend.  While I was in the Army, John D. Stephens was my best friend.  I don’t have the bandwidth to start telling the stories from when we were soldiers.  My kids will hear most of the stories eventually and will get tired of them all ending with, “Hilarity ensued.”

Most of the major events of our post-war* lives ran parallel.  There’s a certain Lincoln/Kennedy similarity to it all.  Hell, we started our blogs within a few months of one another without knowing it.

He runs a blog called Isoglossia.  It’s a fancy term for some linguistic thingy or something.**  Anydamnway, JDS is living on this Isoglossia, which may or may not be melting, over in Slovenia.  He teaches English to people who will eventually use it against us.  His site is full of pictures of his handsome children, beautiful wife, old buildings and humorous road signs.  If it were any funnier, you would need a diaper and a Wet Wipe Warmer.

His blog is up for one of those blog awards that look fucking awesome on a mantle, bookshelf, toilet tank, in HTML.  I believe he should win so that we may claim to have unfairly influenced foreign elections.   I’ll let Mr. Stephens make his Jerry Lewisian plea to you directly:

I will get straight to the point. Through what is obviously some sort of clerical error, our website,, has been nominated for an honor awarded by A Fistful OF Euros. This is a reasonably widely-read and -respected Eurocentric blog/news site, so we’re pretty agog at having been one of only five sites nominated in our category (“Best Expatriate Weblog”).

You may have already seen my recent self-promoting post on the topic, and maybe you’ve even already voted. We would be happy to see the prize go to any of the other sites in the running, but of course we’d be happiest of all to see it go to us. The odd thing is that while some categories are attracting large numbers of votes, ours is a relative backwater. This makes it conceivable that we could snatch victory from the jaws of defeat  — we started off dismally last and are currently in a reasonably healthy second place. As it stands now, if just a few dozen additional people cast their votes for us we could edge out the Parisian leader. So anyone you could get to vote for us through word of mouth, cheerleading blog post, or forwarding this email message could make all the difference and save me from having to get all sour-grapesy about the faux glory of What Could Have Been.
This is where you come in.  Get yer ass over to this site and vote immediately.   If you don’t, the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys will have won.
* By “post-war”, I mean six weeks in Kuwait a year or so after all the shooting had stopped.

**I know what it is, but part of our comedic chemistry is that I play the uneducated rustic type who uses his ignorance as a cudgel.  Not much of a stretch, I know.


2 Responses to “Sold American”

  1. JD Stephens Says:

    I think that what your kids would tire of more quickly would be the ones ending, “…and a gin-guzzlin’ frenzy ensued.”


    Or: “…and then she signed over her power of attorney.”

    Or: “…and then the first Mrs. Sarcastro said, “THE STEPHENSES ARE HERE, HIDE THE BOURBON!”

    Can’t thank you enough for pimping out your readership on our behalf. The award would look so much better on our CSS mantle than LOSER is going to look. PARIS!? How many snails can a person eat, anyway?

  2. Exador Says:

    Wow, ya know, I’ve popped over to isoglossia many times, knowing that he’s some guy you were in the army with. I never realized he was John Stephens, or more appropriately, that he was THAT John Stephens. I’ll vote for him, based solely on the fact that he’s using his super-powers for good [now], instead of evil.

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