Just Speculatin’ on a Hypothesis


The other night, I laid Sarcastro, Jr. down in his crib after last call.   He likes to wake up just in time to get in a bottle of formula before the bar closes.  This causes the sleepy bartender to be extra grumpy.

So, it was about two in the blessed a.m. when I put my head on the pillow and started to drift off.  You know that sleep purgatory where you are awake enough to hear yourself snoring?  That’s where I was.  All of a sudden….


The whole house shook like a bomb went off.  I flew out of the bed.  The Mrs. opened one eye and asked what the hell was going on.

This being Antioch, it could be anything.

I looked out the front and back of the house.  Nothing.

Being that I was already annoyed that the Little Formula Mooch already woke me up, I wasn’t interested in investigating it further.  My shit was fine.  I’m going back to bed.

Then the sirens started.  For maybe the next thirty minutes.  By now, The Mrs. is wide awake.  I am half-way back to Little Nemo’s Slumberland when she starts nudging me about the siren activity.

“Dammit, woman, this is Antioch.  Of course there are sirens.”

Come to find out, a house that is about a par-5 (with a slight dog-leg left) from us blowed up real good.

The official story is that the guy smelled gas, woke up the family and they jumped out the second story window, like John McClane off the Nakatomi Tower, as the house exploded.

What if that story isn’t true?

I don’t know nothin’ about nothin’.   I don’t want to add to the misery of people who have lost everything.  I’m just adding a fictional and wholly imaginary bit of speculation to this story.

What if the guy, upset after an argument with his girlfriend, filled the house with gas in a failed suicide attempt?  He chickens out at the last minute and goes upstairs to get them out of the house.  He flips on the bedroom light switch.  A spark created by the electricity hitting the switch causes the whole house to go up.

He comes up with a plausible story to explain how he knew to get them out of the house.  He wasn’t feeling well and slept on the sofa.  He awoke to the smell of gas and heroically got everyone but the family cat out in the nick of time.

The gas company is at a loss to explain what happened as they can’t find a leak.  The community bands together to help these people out in a huge outpouring of charity and giving.  The manipulative tear-mongers at Extreme Makeover: Home Edition come out to build them a new Super House.

All the while, the guy knows the truth.  He isn’t a hero.  It eats away at him.  He begins to worry that people will find out his shameful secret.

How far would someone go to cover that kind of lie?


10 Responses to “Just Speculatin’ on a Hypothesis”

  1. Kate O' Says:

    Wow. I’m not sayin’ I believe your hypothesis or anything, but it sure reads convincingly. Weird situation, either way.

  2. Ginger Says:

    First thing that entered my mind was “meth lab”…just sayin’…

  3. Sarcastro Says:

    That was the first thing my Mom said when she came into town, “In the mountains, when a house blows up, it usually is a meth lab.”

  4. newscoma Says:

    Well, all I can honestly say is, Shit.
    Now we have meth labs blow over in Hooterville all the time.
    Just saying my world is of the suck.

  5. Exador Says:

    Yeah, I’d be suspicious too. This guy’s first thought was to run the family out the 2nd story window because he smelled gas?
    That’s his story? Wouldn’t you just walk them out the front door?

  6. peptodismal Says:

    I take it you saw the interviews — the was something very wrong with his demeanor. I was reminded of Susan Smith, and fish in Denmark.

  7. Ginger Says:

    fish in Denmark


  8. Lynnster Says:

    When I saw the news blurb about the house in Antioch blowing up, I wondered if it was close to y’all. Sorry it wasn’t a little further AWAY, tho.

  9. Nashville Knucklehead Says:

    . . .or suppose there is a neighbor about a par-five away with an infant boy and an unresolved beef against that nice Antioch family . . .

  10. Nashville is Talking » Asplosion While Asleep Says:

    […] Sarcastro sticks his head out from Daddyland to tell us how things are going in his hood: The other night, I laid Sarcastro, Jr. down in his crib after last call. He likes to wake up just in time to get in a bottle of formula before the bar closes. This causes the sleepy bartender to be extra grumpy. […]

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