F*** This House

Someone who shall remain nameless decided that his first night at home would be a good time to switch from being the sleeping baby to the being the baby who needs a prescription sleep aid. This gave me an opportunity to watch some programs that I had not yet had the opportunity to view.

There was a marathon of the show Flip This House on A&E. Not to be confused with Flip That House on some other channel. I had caught the show once before when the Montelongo’s were the featured flippers. It was a show best summed up by this article, Two A-holes flip a house. As true as that statement is, I find the original team to be equally a-holish.

Especially the owner of the company. It’s one of those things that I can’t quite quantify. I just know I instinctually don’t like him. He’s one of those people that you have a visceral reaction to that you can’t sufficiently explain why. You just wind up disliking him and everyone like him. In one episode, he was wearing a visor-type hat. For some reason, I blurted out “I hate visors and people who wear them.” Now this isn’t exactly true. Some of my best friends wear visors.

The more episodes I watched, the more I really wished horrible things upon this guy. Every thing that dripped out of his mouth was a new-found irritation for me. For example, I don’t know what he has against people in Nebraska, but that seems to be a term of derision for him. As in, “They don’t have [noun] like this in Nebraska.” He must have said Nebraska as many times as he used the word, “house”. In a similar vein, he used the term “Low-Country” to describe anything positive. If he liked the shade of green in the house, he declared it to be “Low-Country green”.

I have lived in the Low Country. Or at least in the same television viewing area. He is a common species there. There is a certain amount of pride associated among the natives who hail from there. But, please, shut the fuck up. Yeah, shrimp and grits. We get it. He also would inject the phrase, “At the end of the day…” into nearly every conversation. As in, “At the end of the day, we’re in this to make money.” Really? No shit, Sherlock. I heard him use it three times in the space of a minute in one episode. I know that makes you sound important when making passive-aggressive pronouncements to underlings, but, please, shut the fuck up.

He reminds me of two other people I dislike, fancy lad John Edwards and golfer Davis Love III. All three seem to be cut from the same cloth as well as from roughly the same area. They all three remind me of Captain Quint’s description of Matt Hooper, “You have city hands, Mr. Hooper. You been countin’ money all your life.”

The only joy in this whole thing is that he is in a lawsuit with A&E over ownership of the show, which he claims he created and had an oral agreement with the network concerning. The sad news is he’s getting another show on TLC.

Which, I’m sure will be on in the middle of the night when I’m up with the baby and the Mrs. is feeling poorly.

Asshole.