F*** This House


Someone who shall remain nameless decided that his first night at home would be a good time to switch from being the sleeping baby to the being the baby who needs a prescription sleep aid. This gave me an opportunity to watch some programs that I had not yet had the opportunity to view.


There was a marathon of the show Flip This House on A&E. Not to be confused with Flip That House on some other channel. I had caught the show once before when the Montelongo’s were the featured flippers. It was a show best summed up by this article, Two A-holes flip a house. As true as that statement is, I find the original team to be equally a-holish.

Especially the owner of the company. It’s one of those things that I can’t quite quantify. I just know I instinctually don’t like him. He’s one of those people that you have a visceral reaction to that you can’t sufficiently explain why. You just wind up disliking him and everyone like him. In one episode, he was wearing a visor-type hat. For some reason, I blurted out “I hate visors and people who wear them.” Now this isn’t exactly true. Some of my best friends wear visors.

The more episodes I watched, the more I really wished horrible things upon this guy. Every thing that dripped out of his mouth was a new-found irritation for me. For example, I don’t know what he has against people in Nebraska, but that seems to be a term of derision for him. As in, “They don’t have [noun] like this in Nebraska.” He must have said Nebraska as many times as he used the word, “house”. In a similar vein, he used the term “Low-Country” to describe anything positive. If he liked the shade of green in the house, he declared it to be “Low-Country green”.

I have lived in the Low Country. Or at least in the same television viewing area. He is a common species there. There is a certain amount of pride associated among the natives who hail from there. But, please, shut the fuck up. Yeah, shrimp and grits. We get it. He also would inject the phrase, “At the end of the day…” into nearly every conversation. As in, “At the end of the day, we’re in this to make money.” Really? No shit, Sherlock. I heard him use it three times in the space of a minute in one episode. I know that makes you sound important when making passive-aggressive pronouncements to underlings, but, please, shut the fuck up.

He reminds me of two other people I dislike, fancy lad John Edwards and golfer Davis Love III. All three seem to be cut from the same cloth as well as from roughly the same area. They all three remind me of Captain Quint’s description of Matt Hooper, “You have city hands, Mr. Hooper. You been countin’ money all your life.”

The only joy in this whole thing is that he is in a lawsuit with A&E over ownership of the show, which he claims he created and had an oral agreement with the network concerning. The sad news is he’s getting another show on TLC.

Which, I’m sure will be on in the middle of the night when I’m up with the baby and the Mrs. is feeling poorly.



19 Responses to “F*** This House”

  1. sgazzetti Says:

    Yeah, you touched on a number of things I cannot stand. I hate the phrase "at the end of the day", not to mention visors. I loathe Richard Dreyfuss (‘Matt Hooper’) and babies who will not sleep drive me bananas. I guess the worst thing in the world would be a visor-wearing baby Richard Dreyfuss who wouldn’t sleep and kept counting his Low Country money while saying, "at the end of the day". That would really suck.

  2. Kathy T. Says:

    I’ve watched that show and have surmised that he treats everyone like crap. But every one of these people who flip houses seem to be like that. Hope baby boy starts sleeping better for you… just so you won’t have to watch these shows anymore!

  3. Ginger Says:

    Welcome to the world of sleep deprivation. I didn’t truly get restful sleep the entire 1st year because everytime she made the most minute whimper I was up to see if she was ok. There isn’t a damn thing on overnight tv that is worth the brain time.

  4. Scott Smith Says:

    Re: Matt Hooper. Did you ever read the book? You’d love it. He dies.

  5. Lynnster Says:

    sgazzetti – Oh, I am totally with you on "at the end of the day". Dr. Will wore me out on it during Big Brother All-Stars last summer and now it seems I hear it or read it a million times a day, so sick of it.Sarcastro, you know how people will write that they spit their coffee or drink out on the keyboard, but they probably didn’t really, just almost did?"the baby who needs a prescription sleep aid"Um yeah, I hope these keys stop being sticky soon.Poor you, but maybe you should take some of the medicine Brittney gave you. Or maybe you should give him some. (I AM JUST KIDDING!) Hehe.

  6. Megan Says:

    I think I caught the same marathon of this show that you did. When saw the first couple episodes, I was like, "Oh, this guy’s kinda weird. Haha." After the third episode of hearing him talk about Nebraska and act like a douchebag, I wanted to kill him. I spent the next few episodes really hoping shit would go wrong with the houses. But worse than this guy is that dumb-ass chick that works for him. What’s her name, Ginger or something? She looks like a horse, is dumber than rocks, and wears sweaters tied around her shoulders like she’s some kind of soccer-mom-stepford-wife conglomeration, except she’s twenty-fucking-five.Sorry, rant over. You started it. 😉

  7. Katherine Coble Says:

    Any post where you invoke the spirit of my Dead Spiritual Husband Robert Shaw AND use the term "fancy lad" is a top-notch post in my book.

  8. Heather Says:

    As a resident of the Lowcountry. I’m sorry, so sorry you’re subjected to him. Those kind of self-important twits used to annoy the crud out of me during my bartending years.Thankfully I no longer have to be nice to them for money.Not having cable, I have no fear of accidentally stumbling on the jerk.

  9. Sarcastro Says:

    Scott,I read the book in middle school. As an eighth grader, I especially liked the torrid sex scenes between Hooper and Mrs. Brody.Megan,The only reason I can cipher that Ginger has that job is due to some hanky panky. I’ve seen border collies with more sense.Heather,Cable television is the greatest invention since fire. Every home should enjoy the wonders it brings us. I know that our local cable television concern, for example, is the company others look to first for the communications products and services that connect people to what’s important in their lives.So say we all!

  10. Scooby Says:

    The guy went to Clemson…and he was a Sigma Nu. It’s like a douchebag waiting to happen.

  11. bridgett Says:

    I watched Star Trek: Next Gen every night at 1 am for 16 months straight. Then my kid finally started sleeping. If I had it to do over again, I’d use a hammer and learn to live with the guilt.

  12. Scott Smith Says:

    Yeah, I wasn’t gonna mention that Hooper nailed Brody’s wife (played in the film by the wife of the president of Universal Pictures. Hmmm…). Funny, I didn’t mind giving you the spoiler that he died, but didn’t want to give away the fact that got laid.

  13. Katherine Coble Says:

    I just always remember her fantasy scene at the restaurant where she’s picturing them in a car accident and imagining her wet p—sy on display by the side of the road. It was some imagry there….

  14. SistaSmiff Says:

    The first time I ever saw an episode of South Park was in those first weeks I had #2. South Park, to this day, reminds me of bottles.

  15. Roger Abramson Says:

    Sar –Will you be my accountabilibuddy?

  16. Sarcastro Says:

    Does this mean we’re bi-curious?

  17. Gandalf Mantooth Says:

    I had a recent interview subject use that phrase "at the end of the day." I liked that guy a lot however that was the tipping point for me and that phrase and I realised then how much I hate it now. At the end of the day I leave the office.

  18. Sarcastro Says:

    Gandy,I’m starting to despise the phrase "tipping point". That and the phrase "sea change".

  19. Kat Says:

    Both "tipping change" and "sea point" sound nice, though.

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