Oscar 2007

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And the winner is….

It’s time again for my annual predictions of this year’s Oscar winners. Let’s get right to it.

Supporting Actress:
Adriana Barraza, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi, Babel

I didn’t see any of those movies. The two from Babel will cancel each other out. I didn’t see that movie when it was called Crash, either. No one saw Notes on a Scandal. If the awards were held a few months ago, Hudson might have won it. I’m going with the kid from Little Miss Sunshine.

Supporting Actor:
Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

Didn’t catch any of these either. The Academy must be trying to make it up to Jackie Earle Haley for legendarily snubbing him for Bad News Bears. He still won’t win. Who keeps putting Djimon Hounsou in movies? That dude has the acting skills of Keanu Reeves on cough syrup. Eddie Murphy was a shoo-in until Norbit came out. Then everyone remembered that he’s still Eddie Murphy. If Marky Mark wins, he should change his name to Whoopi Tomei. The winner will be Alan Arkin, as this one is the equivalent to getting a lifetime achievement award.

Actress:
Penelope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren, The Queen
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children

The winner is Penelope Cruz. Oh, wait. You meant which one is the Best Actress? How the hell should I know? No, I didn’t see these movies. All I do know is, out of that list, the answer is Penelope Cruz.

Actor:
Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O’Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland.

Wouldn’t it have been awesome if I had seen just one of these? Don’t care about Will and Leo’s little after school specials teaching us about the value of whatever sort of moral tale they are bashing us over the heads with this year. Peter O’Toole should have gotten tagged for My Favorite Year, The Stuntman, The Ruling Class, Goodbye Mr. Chips, The Lion in Winter, Becket, or Lawrence of Arabia. He might get the consolation Oscar for this movie that no one saw. Gosling is playing one of the Nelson twins? Did not see that one coming. My money is Whitaker. He owns whatever picture he is in. Plus, it looks like this one is set in Scotland! Good enough for me.

Best Picture:
Babel
The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

No idea. I don’t really care about The Queen or Babel. I wanted to see Letters From Iwo Jima and The Departed. My parents were going to rent Little Miss Sunshine when we brought the kids down for Christmas. They thought it looked like a family comedy. Like National Lampoon’s Vacation. They get all of their recommendations from either the blurbs on the box the movie comes in or the hillbilly woman who runs the local video store. I don’t think this is Scorsese’s year, again. It’s either Clint or the kid’s movie going home with the statue.

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My final prediction: For the 79th year in a row, Jack Klugman will get snubbed by the Academy.

Man alive, did that suck. I watched something else from nine until ten, and when I flipped back, it was like I missed nothing. That show couldn’t have more boring and less funny if it had been hosted by Whoopi Goldberg. The only bright spot was Jerry Seinfeld’s routine before presenting Best Documentary. If you are looking for a host for next year, I think he might be available. The low point was Al Gore’s comedic turn with his faux-announcement. It was like watching Howard Cosell do double-takes on The Odd Couple.

As if any further proof were needed of what a phony, self-aggrandizing suckfest the Academy Awards have become, look no further than Best Song. Right after the cast of Dreamgirls (didn’t see it) blows the roof off the joint, they hand the award over to Melissa Etheridge whose only musical accompaniment was the sledgehammer she used to hit everyone over the head.

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11 Responses to “Oscar 2007”

  1. Lesley Says:

    I hear ya, bro. Not since, oh, 1984 or so has there been so many movies nominated that I just haven’t seen. And don’t plan to see. But I am going to watch The Departed tonight. The viewing will be followed by sweet, sweet dreams of Mark Wahlberg. If you had to watch Dreamgirls or Norbit, which would you choose? I think that’s the question asked of you at the gates of hell.

  2. Ginger Says:

    LOL…Oscar…Jack Klugman…You are brilliant.

  3. Andino Says:

    It’s official! You are my favorite Oscar pundit! I laughed! I cried! I agreed when you said that shit about Penelope Cruz and Peter O’Toole!

  4. Katherine Coble Says:

    The Departed was actually pretty cool. I’d recommend it for one of those days when you feel like some vicarious violence. LMS blows.And I vote that you do all the Oscar coverage next year. I’m tired of snivelling C-listers in Hwood kissing ass with their predictions in EW.

  5. Scott Smith Says:

    I lost all respect for the Oscars in 1982 after reading a column by a critic (I think it may have whoever was doing movie reviews for Rolling Stone at the time) who pointed out that the award is not for “best actor” or “actor we admire the most.” It’s “best PERFORMANCE by an actor,” and that year the best performance given by any actor was Richard Pryor in “Live on the Sunset Strip.” Yes, it was a standup routine, but it was a far better “performance” than anyone else gave that year (or any year since for that matter).I miss you, Rich. And happy birthday to Edward James Olmos.

  6. newscoma Says:

    I haven’t seen any of these except LMS. Over here in Hooterville, we get "Date Movie" and "Epic Movie." I’m too busy drinking decent beer when I come to "the city."Yeah, I’ll watch it and cheer for Jon Stewart (damn, he’s not hosting this year.)

  7. Lynnster Says:

    I had not really paid any attention to the Oscar nominee list this year and the first I saw the whole thing (that I took note of anyway) was right here.I could not be more shocked to see Jackie Earle Haley’s name, talk about a blast from the past. I had no idea he was still around/alive, much less acting. What a trip. He was never one of my favorites when it came to preteen and teen crushes, but I remember well in the ’70s when he was in 16 Magazine and Tiger Beat all the time. Wow.Well played on getting the Oscar nomination, JEH. I’ve got to admit it’s pleasant to see a name like that from 30 years ago pop up after all these years for such a major accolade.

  8. SistaSmiff Says:

    Don’t listen to Kat, Little Miss Sunshine is great and not exactly a family movie.

  9. Exador Says:

    I’ll be looking for the edited youtube version, where they just show all the looooong line of waiting limosines, then cut to Al Gore lecturing us on what bastards we are, followed by the exiting loooooong line of limosines.Maybe a post-oscar followup of the winners in their mansions and jets.

  10. Bill Fisher Says:

    The older you get, the fewer movies you’ll see. And those you do see won’t be nearly as good as the ones you saw when your skin was smooth and your heart was young and you actually cared a little bit about the Academy Awards.See you at the 5:00 buffet!

  11. Sarcastro Says:

    The only nominated films I saw were in the Animated Category.Thanks kids!

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