Introducing the DeRetardinator 3000


In order for my brain to digest the infotainment and gossip headlines, I have constructed a device that will help me understand what is going on in the world of show business.  The DeRetardinator 3000.  Here’s a demonstration of its awesomeness.

"Grey’s Anatomy" star in counseling after gay slur  A guy I’ve never heard of who is on a show I’ve never watched got in trouble for calling another guy I’ve never heard of a "faggot".   Unfortunately, the name callee was not a bundle of sticks, but an actual homosexual.  In a related story, the eighth grade boys of Rock Springs Middle School will also be required to attend counseling.

Has ‘American Idol’ Become Too Cruel?   Insofar as treating the untalented contestants in a cruel manner, which is the only reason people watch the show.  The cruelty of subjecting the American public to the bland pop warblings of the star-struck hopefuls has yet to be measured.  NASA is working on it.

‘Armed & Famous’ Angers Cop’s Widow.  This is totally off topic, but is every citizen of Muncie  mentally retarded, overweight, addicted to crack or some combination of the three.  Really, that’s all they show.  Of course, in Anytown, USA that’s the majority of people who wind up getting the cops called on them.  Muncie seems to have more than their fair share.

Controversy Swirls Around ‘Houndog’.  An little independent film that no one who doesn’t have the Sundance Channel was going to see makes world headlines because of a fake rape scene of America’s favorite child star since Dana Plato, Tatum O’Neal, Lindsay Lohan, Jodie Foster.  You can’t buy that kind of publicity.   Shrill do-gooders and religious types get to scream at film critics on cable news shows.  Cable news executives pray to their pagan idols to send them more crap like this to fill the day.

New Paris Hilton Sex Tape.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 



5 Responses to “Introducing the DeRetardinator 3000”

  1. Katherine Coble Says:

    "This is totally off topic, but is every citizen of Muncie mentally retarded, overweight, addicted to crack or some combination of the three. "Having gone to college in the neighbouring town, allow me to resoundingly answer "yes".The only things to do in Muncie are:a)eat at all night pancake housesb)eat at Sizzlerc)cook methd)go on your first date with your future husband to see "Rocky Horror Picture Show" only to be kicked out 20 minutes into the movie when–much to the management’s surprise–people start throwing things.Yeah. That NEVER happens at RHPS.

  2. john h Says:

    Dear Retardinator 3000 Rep:Should I be watching Armed and Famous? Do I need your product TO watch A and F? My theory is that I saw WAY too much of J. Osbourne before you product was created and I haven’t really quite recovered. ShaaaaaaRON!!

  3. john h Says:

    Apparently I don’t need youR product. I somehow manage to leave the ‘R’ off of the word ‘you’ way too offffen.

  4. Sarcastro Says:

    From the desk of the DeRetardinator 3000:Dear Valued Customer,In this day and age of Z-list celebrities constantly being crammed down our collective throats, how can you even suggest that you don’t need the DeRetardinator 3000? How else will you be able to maintain your sanity through the onslaught of puff pieces on the local and national newscasts concerning the paternity of Anna Nicole Smith’s infant, Mindy McReady’s latest court appearance, or Susan Sarandon’s opinion of the Iraq War? Just to name a few!Let me urge you to tune into A&F, if only to see the newfound maturity that Jack Osbourne is currently displaying. He has grown up a lot since his family’s television program. Just like Ricky Nelson! Except instead of getting ON drugs, Jack has gotten OFF drugs. Other than that, they could be the same guy.End Transmission.

  5. Nashville Knucklehead Says:

    Look, pal,When I see the words "Paris Hilton Sex Tape" as a hyperlink, I expect to click on it and see grainy taped footage of Paris Hilton having sex. I do not want to be take to Fox News.That is totally retardinated.

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