Vodka, Painkillers & Failure

by

I watched my very first American Idol tonight.  If you told me a year ago that I would be watching this show, you would have gotten a rabbit punch in the kidneys plus written instructions to shoot me in the head should that prediction have come to pass.

It has come to this.  I submitted myself to the television juggernaut.  Holy shit.  I knew it would be a trainwreck, but damn. 

Between her obviously impaired speech on tonight’s episode, and that video clip of her being totally gonzo wasted that’s making the rounds, Paula Abdul is a fucking time bomb.   She’s a "Niggers and Jews" rant away from a stint in rehab.  I used to date a girl who was on the same booze and pills regimen.  Coincidentally, she was trying to make in the music business.   Pretty sure she used to rant about the Niggers and Jews, come to think of it.  Yessir,  the vodka for breakfast bit was fun, but after awhile you get sick of Drunky the Clown slurring her way through the day being obnoxious and stupid.

Expect Paula to not make it through the entire season if tonight was any indication.

Overall, the show isn’t to my tastes.  I don’t care for the Karaoke/Talent Show.  The story about the plucky little crack baby or the guy who sold his kidney to get on the show doesn’t really interest me.

I want to see abject failure.

I want to see people so self-deluded that they refuse to believe that they can’t sing despite all evidence to the contrary.   Bring me more people whose friends and family are too spineless to tell them that they have absolutely no talent.   Load me up with losers who have placed their entire concept of self-worth on staggeringly unrealistic dreams of stardom. 

Please, please let there be more horrid abominations whose retort to their obvious lack of musical ability is to proclaim, "But I have a college degree in vocal training!"   Of course you do, pumpkin!

If that dumb broad wasn’t a metaphor for everything wrong with America, I don’t know what is. 

Ok, American Idol, you win.  Thanks to the insistence of the people in my household, you have my attention.  I’ll continue to watch until they get to Hollywood.  After that, it won’t hold my interest.  Without the looming spectre of humiliation,  shame and ignominy, the show has nothing for me.

Except, perhaps, for little Ryan Seacrest to get all pissy when a contestant refers to him as short.   In keeping with the theme of disabusing people of their delusions, 5’7" isn’t "average".  Sorry, little buddy.

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19 Responses to “Vodka, Painkillers & Failure”

  1. Kathy T. Says:

    I too was an American Idol virgin until tonight. And it hurt this time too.

  2. Lynnster Says:

    Hehe. "Of course you do, pumpkin!" = beautiful.I actually watched the first two seasons of American Idol pretty faithfully, but could take no more after that.

  3. Short and Fat Says:

    5’7" isn’t tall. Next you’ll tell me 350 lbs isn’t fat.NOTE: I do not weigh 350…yet.

  4. Sarcastro Says:

    Dude, I’m willing to bet you are just over 150.

  5. Ginger Says:

    hehehe…it has sucked you in…don’t try to resist it…Actually, it gets better once they get to the live part. (In Hollywood). These preliminary auditions are all taped from this summer.

  6. BK Says:

    "Other door."

  7. Sarcastro Says:

    Tell me that they didn’t intentionally keep the one door locked to add to the awkwardness of the shameful exits.That joke never got old.

  8. Mack Says:

    You fuckin sell-out. I know people that set their DVR’s for this, that actually plan their entire WEEK around this warmed over karaoke, and yet, amigo, I’ve managed to miss it every week, year after horrifying year. I just KNEW you wouldn’t be caught dead watching this show. It was a kinship we had, a sort of un-idolized brotherhood, it set us apart, and sorry, ABOVE everyone else. Now, I stand alone. When they turn on that piercing sound and the worms start coming out of your head, I will mourn you, but it will be your fault. You could have reached out, I would have walked you through a refusal. Even if it ended your marriage, I would have put you up as long as you needed, and introduced you to some hot Latina gals, none of whom look remotely like Paula fucking Abdul. Think Selma Hayek. Sigh. I guess I’ll go to market today, find you a nice little box for you to keep your balls in. God, I hope they haven’t gotten to the Knuck yet….

  9. Sarcastro Says:

    I challenge my supposedly open-minded, liberal hermano to watch the program tonight. They haven’t gotten to the caterwauling of lame-ass Diane Warren songs yet. The kids lured me in with promises of humor based on cruelty, which happens to be my favorite kind.These early episodes are all about the freak parade that comes in dreaming of stardom, only to leave with the stench of rejection.

  10. Ginger Says:

    Damn, Mack…did you take your happy pills this morning? Your hostility is scaring me. Hold me.Don’t listen to his promises of Latin hotties, Sarcastro, blondes are where it’s at…

  11. Mack Says:

    Sorry, can’t watch, but I am sending out mad props for the use of the word "caterwauling."Ginger, as a former bar owner, I should tell you that I know every blonde joke ever told….

  12. Sarcastro Says:

    Caterwauling is the word that springs to mind immediately whenever I hear the vocal stylings of Linda Ronstadt.I’ll have to pass on the promise of Latina hotties. I have my hands full now. The last thing I need is a woman with the temperment and propensity to stab.

  13. Ginger Says:

    LMAO…Mack, as a former resident of Miami, I should tell you that I know every Latino joke ever told…(oh, and I watch "Mind of Mencia", too).

  14. Evenson! Says:

    "Bring me more people whose friends and family are too spineless to tell them that they have absolutely no talent. Load me up with losers who have placed their entire concept of self-worth on staggeringly unrealistic dreams of stardom…"Dude, you just described the whole internet.

  15. Sarcastro Says:

    Evenson walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Wheredja get that?"The parrot says….

  16. Sharon Cobb Says:

    Sarcastro,Are you willing to give Dancing With The Stars a chance? I know you love music, and watching the dancers evolve is fun.I think DWTS might be your cup of tea (for two).

  17. Sarcastro Says:

    I watched both the Celebrity Dancing and the Celebrity Duets programs. They had me trussed up like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange, so I really had no choice.

  18. Ginger Says:

    Oh for the love of pete…"Celebrity Duets" sucked out loud! It was the WORST concept of all time: taking D-list celebrities and pairing them up with mostly washed up singers…it was scary!

  19. drink recipe Says:

    drink recipe…

    […]Vodka, Painkillers & Failure « Watching The Defectives[…]…

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