Customer Disservice


Thanks to the vagaries of the holiday season, I’ve been forced at gunpoint to go shopping. Let us now call out various sins of the restaurants and retail establishments by name:

Raz’z: Despite the annoying name, this place serves up some solid American fare. Chef/Owner Raz Admuso has a Horatio Alger-esque story that they made feel-good TV Movies of the Week about, back in the day. The food was nothing spectacular, but good. Our repeat business was earned by Chef Raz coming out and talking to the table. The personal touch makes all the difference.

All The Damn Baby Stores: What a fucking racket you people have got going on! How was it that the human race survived so long without all the completely unecessary baby junk you try to foist upon gullible parents? By taking a page from the drug companies, you manufacture dangers to the newborn child and then offer some snake-oil to alleviate the worries of the fearful parents. Brilliant! You should sell Restless Leg Medicine with the impulse items near the cash register.

Target: You bastards got some esplainin’ to do. If you are selling, say, a baby crib. Said baby crib is put on sale for $200. When the Hickory Hollow Target is sold out and refers you to either Brentwood or West Nashville, as they have them in stock, it is totally uncool to then charge $280 for that same crib. Thanks for the bait and switch. Dick.

K-Mart: You aren’t much better. I understand that you are barely surviving in Sam Walton’s world. Still, with most of your employees actively avoiding customers or playing with their extra chromosome, don’t get all pissy with me that I went behind your high security “Employees Only” door to find a manager. Don’t get all sullen because the sanctity of your Fortress of Sulkitude was breached by someone looking for a handcart to haul out $150 worth of baby crib. That one purchase probably represented 25% of your sales that night. You’re welcome. Dick.

Baby Crib Manufacturer: There is no getting around this. You get what you paid for. If I could crap Krugerrands, I would have bought a Stickley-style Crib. Instead I bought your cheap piece of junk. The cheap piece of plastic that broke during my rage filled assembly may be your fault, it may be mine. Now isn’t the time to point fingers. What is important, is that you are sending me a replacement part absolutely free. Now I have nothing but nice things to say about your company, the cheap-ass crib, and the fact that my kid won’t fall to his death when the front of the crib collapses like an Iraqi cease-fire.

Logan’s: This will only take a second. I guess we were imposing when we came in and said we wanted to eat. I had no idea that you weren’t expecting guests. The half empty restaurant confused us. It wasn’t that big a problem that our server was clearly someone who was not a server, but rather a stressed out manager trainee or possibly the dishwasher. All of that was fine. No my problem is that when I order the tilapia with the cilantro-chipotle sauce served over a black bean & corn relish as described in the menu, that doesn’t mean tilapia with motherfucking peppercorn ranch dressing dumped on top.

Ruby Tuesdays: You’ve come a long way since I bartended at the shithole on West End. Much improved in both menu, decor, service, food quality and presentation. Good job.

Office Depot: You haven’t really done anything wrong. The only kink in the plan was the dumb bitch in front of me wanting to argue with your employee over a three dollar rebate for buying paper or something. I don’t remember. After ten minutes of being stuck behind this pinhead haggling over three goddamn dollars and letting my mind wander to a happy place full of pirates, beer volcanoes and a stripper factory, I kind of forgot what she was going on about. As I followed her out to her car in a homicidal fugue state, I noticed the War Is Not Healthy For Children and Other Living Things bumper sticker on her Saturn. Evidently, she had already been caught and released with that tag so that everyone would know she is a moron. As for Office Depot, would it kill you to have more than one register open at a time, ever?

With all of that in mind, enjoy your trip to the mall this Christmas.

I almost forgot…

West Nashville Strike & Spare:  I took the kids bowling the other day.  As is our custom, we had pizza as part of the bowling alley experience.   I went to the snack bar, even though the lights were out.  Apparently, keeping the lights out reduces the glare on the television that the snack bar employee was glued to.  All the while keeping an eye on whatever was on BET, she asked me what I wanted.
“We’d like a large pepperoni pizza and three Coke Icees,”  I replied.

“Are you closer to Circus World?  Cuz dat’s where da pizzas come from.”

“So you’re saying I need to go down there to order pizza?”

“It’d be easier.”

So, I trudged back down towards where we were rolling and into Circus World.

“Didja order the pizza,” the boys shouted.

“Not yet,” came my through gritted teeth answer.

Down at Circus World the girl behind the counter was friendly and helpful.  She promised to bring us the pizza.  So, I tipped her two bucks for her mad customer skillz.

Five minutes later, I see her walking out the door with her purse and belongings in hand.   Questions began to arise.  She’s obviously leaving.  Who is making our pizza?  Why did I give her two damn dollars?

After waiting an appropriate amount of time, I walked back to Circus World.  Cries of “How much more longer for the pizza?” still ringing in my ears.

Back in the kitchen was my freshly baked pizza and a guy who looked unmistakably like Magilla Gorilla, standing over it counting pepperoni.  He may have been touching each and every pepperoni in what can only be considered some form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

He hadn’t seen me when I bellowed out, “How’s that pizza coming, pal?” in my Senior Drill Instructor Hartman voice.

“I’ll bring it to you sir,” he said in a startled voice.

Two minutes later, Magilla brought out the pizza.  We were famished and had been subsisting on only our Coke Icees.

Magilla had scampered off by the time we got the pizza box open and realized that not only had he not cut the pizza all the way through, but had not brought any plates.

Luckily, the boys and I were able to survive this nightmarish experience by clinging to our shared disdain for the mother and two kids at the adjacent lane.  She had dressed her sons, who were about five and seven, in adorable matching outfits.  And by adorable, I mean totally gay.   My boys were not only glad that we don’t dress them alike, but that they aren’t named Dylan and Austin.


10 Responses to “Customer Disservice”

  1. Scott Smith Says:

    Great googly-moogly! I remember that shithole Ruby Tuesday’s on West End. If you were tending bar there, odds are pretty good you served me drinks many many many years ago (back when you could drink legally when you were old enough to get married or join the army).That woman from Office Depot may well have been the same one I was behind at the Opry Mills Tower during their last week. With only one register open, she needed the sole employee left to explain to her in great detail how widescreen DVDs can play on regular TVs. Then she needed him to explain the difference between the two different "King Kong" DVDs she had, neither of which was the special edition that she wanted. When I couldn’t stand listening to it any more, I turned around to find 9 people in line behind me. Slammed my stack of CDs down on the counter and walked out for the last time. The fact that Tower has operated that way for years may help explain why they went belly-up. Merry Christmas you sullen, tattooed, face-piercing, unemployed jackoffs. (Ahhh… that felt good. Thanks and merry whatever-the-hell you believe in.)

  2. Lynnster Says:

    I feel your pain, amigo. I desperation shopped last night since transportation & $-wise I couldn’t do anything until yesterday. I can barely move today I’m so tired and so sore, and the only thing good about it all is I don’t have to go out to ANY more stores this weekend.Target is an evil, evil place right now.

  3. Tutularue Says:

    I can hardly wait to go to the Mt. Sarcastro Walmart with Sarcastro when he arrives for Christmas. We like to go there the day before Christmas and watch all the people. It sort of reminds me of the bar scene in Star Wars. Hope he’s in a better mood since his latest rant. Merry Christmas to all you Nashville bloggers (and you too Exador and Mrs S). Wonder where he gets all that sarcasm. Never mind.

  4. john h Says:

    I successfully made it thru the season with only one trip to any sort of mall. It’s my own personal christmas miracle. re eateries: service at the Mothership remained pretty consistenly good and smart-alecked, the guy at my ‘local’ Starbucks knows my name and my drink, and Nolas still makes a bitchin’ good steak sandwich.

  5. Ginger Says:

    Sarcastro, I would like to thank you for causing me to have to reapply my mascara. I haven’t laughed this hard (until I cried) in a long time, and I truly needed it. I look like Tammy Faye right now.Merry Ho Ho to you and yours.

  6. Ivy Says:

    1. Oh, my God. That Stickley style crib matches my buffet and dining room table perfectly. I want it, and I’m never having a baby again, it’s just that damn cool. 2. Which Logan’s was it??

  7. Sarcastro Says:

    1. You have excellent taste in furniture.2. Hickory Hollow.

  8. Ivy Says:

    Ah, that explains it. The Hickory Hollow Logan’s is the black sheep of the Logan’s world. Funny, the Hickory Hollow Outback was the black sheep of the Outback world, too. I guess it’s Antioch that causes shitty restaurants.

  9. Ginger Says:

    Antioch is shitty, period.

  10. saraclark Says:

    Razz Ademosu is one of the nicest people ever.The Other Half met him while working at the West End Kinko’s many years ago. Razz would come in and get help working on his business plan and papers for his own restaurant. He was still working at the Cooker at the time and did this on his breaks and after work. He stood out then too for his personal touch. We ate at his restaurant several times when it first opened and it was just like he had planned it.

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