King of the Road


Now is the Winter of my Discontent.  Whilst travelling about my kingdom, I have seen much knavery and tomfoolery amongst the unwashed masses.

When the dawn nearly is upon us or whilst we are in the gloaming, some of the village idiots are refusing to ignite the lamps on their motorized carriages.  Or worse, they only turn on the parking lights.  Only a buffoon drives about with only the parking lights on.  Throughout Christendom it is the law that driving with just the parking lights on is forbidden.  Common sense and the law dictate that during diminished visibility, ones headlamps should be illuminated.  This goes double when it is foggy.  Those little fruity yellow lights aren’t helping anyone.  They aren’t fog lamps, you dung eating curs!

 On a similar subject, I shall smite thee with the Royal Crowbar the next time one of you peons decides to hop out of your car to try to get me to pull over for a funeral procession.  The headsman will wind up with a full day of work the next time you shit-stained peasants fuck up the King’s Highway.

It must be confusing for the uneducated coolies to see a vehicle that resembles that of the local constabulary trying to get people to pull over.  It is but a mere ruse on the part of the undertaker.  He charges the grieving family extra ducats for a couple of ill-bred wastrels to provide an escort to the gravesite.  These stupid sons of whores then operate their faux-police vehicles in a reckless manner that brings to mind the fabled Cow-Boys of the New World. 

The law states that you are not to pull over, but to yield your right of way or slow down to show respect.  The bedevilled simpleton who leapt from his vehicle to brandish his cell phone at my Royal Personage is fortunate that I had somewhere to actually go, unlike he and his fellow simpletons who all pulled over because a funeral procession was coming from the opposite direction.  Let this ring throughout the land; the guy in the coffin is dead.  The people following the hearse all have the day off for the funeral.  They are in no big hurry.  I, however, have a kingdom to run.  Next time you jump out to try to make me pull over, in violation of the damn law, you will get a Royal Boot up your ass.

Don’t pull that "local tradition" shit, either.  Something happens more than twice around here and you serfs call it a tradition.  We also have the "local traditions" of marrying our cousins, raping canoeists from the big city and lynching the occasional blackamoor.   The world doesn’t come to a fucking stop because some old crone is being hauled out to the boneyard.  If it means so much to you and you want to pay your respects, hop in behind the funeral procession and follow them out to the grave site.  Then there will be at least one less idiot on the road.

While we are on the topic of complete muttonheads, another group looking for a date with the headsman are the cretins at Robertson/Urbandale Rd. and Briley Parkway.  If you are turning left at a green light, you do not have the right of way.  The people on the other side of the intersection who are going straight and turning right have the right of way.  Careening your ’87 Cavalier into oncoming traffic with nothing but ignorance on your side will cause not only your deaths, but those of your family when my knights burn your hovels to the ground and salt the earth so that nothing ever grows there.  Ever.

Although, we are most pleased with Archduke Ray Bell, regent of the vassal state of Kickbackistan.  The roads in the kingdom are amongst the finest in all the known world

Pity that there is no money left in the exchequer to teach my subjects how to safely operate their vehicles.  Perhaps someday we could institute a system of licensing drivers throughout the realm.  Those drivers would have to pass a test of some sort.  In order to pass the test, especially the young beginner drivers, would have to take a course that would explain the Rules of the Kings Highways.  Upon successful completion, they would be given Royal License to use the roads.  Accidents and deaths would become a thing of the past as my subjects would all be aware of the laws, rather than living in the Dark Age of Superstition and Ignorance.  Gone would be the days of having your baby ride in your lap on a foggy morning so you can get to the Title Loan place as soon as it opens.  An era of Peace, Prosperity and Enlightenment would begin for all.

Or not. 


6 Responses to “King of the Road”

  1. john h Says:

    Back in my college days, I went out with this girl from Harlan, Ky. I was driving up to see her during Christmas vacation on a 4 lane highway about 10 miles out of Harlan.I came up on a funeral procession slowly winding their way through the mountains, all in the right lane. The last vehicle in the procession was a pick-up truck.I pulled up to the procession and turned on my blinker, indicating that I was going to pass..just as soon as I begin my veer into the left lane, a man with a shotgun reared up in the back of the pick-up, and gestured with his weapon to move back into the right lane.I am still living, so it is pretty obvious I complied. they do things different up their in the mountain country!

  2. Mack Says:

    I think it was that turn-coat Dennis Miller that once said that life’s greatest irony was that after a lifetime of dodging traffic and lights, when you die, they let you run unimpeded through all of the lights. "Hey, I’m dead, but I’m early!"

  3. SistaSmiff Says:

    Somebody needs a hug or a Christmas carol. When you die, we’ll set you on the side of the road and throw things at your casket as we speed by on our way to wherever we need to go and say "Neener neener neener!"

  4. Chris Wage Says:


  5. Ned Williams Says:

    Hear, hear on rent-a-cops generally, but Dennis Miller, "turn-coat"? I’d say he just refused to get in the VW van on the way to the Manson ranch. Libertarians didn’t leave the Dem Party, the Dem Party left Libertarians.

  6. Mack Says:

    Well, Ned, perhaps. Or, he just decided to join the ever-swelling ranks of those who wanted blood, anybody’s, because he got scared after 9/11. Those of us over 40 have been told to fear something or somebody most of our lives, and some of us choose not to play. Miller tanked because he made a calculated move to the right, and it truly didn’t suit him. It showed.

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