****THANKSGIVING 2**** Meet the In-Laws


Thursday 0700:

The much awaited sequel to last year’s T’giving extravaganza will be a different sort of bird.  Due to various factors, we won’t be making the trip to Mt. Sarcastro.  There will be no guzzling booze with Exador all day and drunk dialing unfortunate souls.  There will be no profanity laced golfing exhibitions.  There will be no humiliated by her son’s holiday observations outrage on the part of Mother Sarcastro.

Instead, we are going to Mrs. Sarcastro’s parents for dinner.  From 90 year old grandmothers to 15 weeks until birth fetuses, that whole side of the family will be there.  It will be a no swearing, no drinking, family oriented festival of fun!

At least on the surface.  With any luck it will be a passive-aggressive display full of resentment, secrets and recriminations.   Like the classic SNL skit Dysfunctional Family Christmas.

Thursday 2040:

This may be the most boring Thanksgiving ever.   Everyone, even the children, got along reasonably well.  There was no airing of grievances or opening of old wounds.  In other words, boring.

Even the food was boring.  Don’t get me wrong.  It was good.  But is was a very standard, white-bread American Thanksgiving.  If you found a copy of a 1965 Betty Crocker cookbook and made the Thanksgiving dinner according to its instructions, you would have a pretty good idea of the meal.

Like the Kennedy’s at Hyannisport, there was touch football on the lawn.  By that I mean, if the Kennedy’s were tee-totalling Church of Christers and Hyannisport was in Smyrna.  Apparently, I was still out in the yard throwing footballs when the eight minute long blessing was offered.

Sister-in-law’s husband was kind enough to help me move my 300 lb. television and a few other heavy items out of the old house.  It gave us both an opportunity to get the hell out while we could.

The only controversy over the holiday has been with the worthless cocksuckers at Comcast.  They turned a simple matter of transferring my service from the old house to the new into a colossal waste of time.  It got to the point where one of the complete fucking idiots I spoke with on the phone started copping an attitude.  Sorry pal, I get a little edgy after spending an hour on the phone with nitwits who are unable to do their jobs.  As the woman who finally was able to help me stated so incredulously, "It shouldn’t have been a problem, they just had to click over to the next screen."

If it weren’t for her kind help and my crippling internet/television addiction, I would have cancelled cable.  Also, the kids would have revolted had they come home to a television that only gets four channels.

Now all is right with the world.  My big-ass TV is in the living room just the way I like it.  My Stickley recliner is positioned just the way I like it.  There is digital cable in my new home.  So far, it’s a pretty good holiday.

Shit, I spoke to soon.  Comic Relief is on.  Goddamnit.  I made it a point to miss this last week.  Two people who haven’t been funny in twenty years and one who hasn’t ever been funny hosting a comedy show.  Oh joy.   Two minutes in and Robin Williams has fallen back on his fake black voice and a dick joke.  The first words out of Whoopi Goldberg’s mouth was "George Bush".  This is going to be hilarious.  Where’s Michael Richards when you need him?  Oh, that’s right.  He’s where he was two weeks ago.  Total Fucking Obscurity.  Next time Kramer, take Robin, Whoopie and Billy with you.

Tomorrow, Mrs. Sarcastro, her sister and their mother are going to brave Black Friday.  Hopefully I can get into some kind of adventure or this post will continue to be utterly anti-climactic.

Friday 0950:

I’m watching Bravo’s 100 Funniest Movies countdown show while hooking up sundry pieces of home electronics and unloading boxes.  What a load of shit this program is.  They ranked Shampoo, Annie Hall, Manhattan and When Harry Met Sally as being funnier than The Blues Brothers, Office Space, and This Is Spinal Tap.  Who are these people?  Shrek is funnier than Blazing Saddles or South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut?  Since when, asshole? 

When the zombie apocalypse comes, the brains behind this dumbassery will be the first to wind up splattered against a cinder block wall.

Time to go unload more stuff.

Friday 2220:

So far, the best meal of the holiday weekend has been the Massaman Curry at the Thai joint around the corner, capped off by a Strawberry Cheesecake Shake from Sonic.  There’s a reason why people only eat turkey once or twice a year.  You don’t see people busting out the cranberry slices and stuffing on the Fourth of July for some reason.  Turns out to be a good reason for that. Turkey sucks.

Little known fact:  Israel is the world’s highest per capita consumer of turkey.  Ironically, Turkey is the world’s largest consumer of Israelis.  Or was that Germany?  I have a feeling you can’t get a decent BBQ sandwich in Israel.  But I digress.

Second best meal was lunch at the Mothership today.  Break the turkey habit and go get some pork on Saturday.  Not only was Dr. Funkenswine’s fabled sandwich a glorious respite from the tryptophan induced torpor, his mac and cheese side dish kicks serious ass.  Add a little of the hot BBQ sauce and you have a side dish that must be reckoned with.

Tomorrow involves more moving of junk from the old house to the new.  Anyone interested in a red sofa?  How about a mint-in-the-box VHS copy of Fargo with a collectible snow-globeSuperman lunch box?  I still have plenty of men’s suits and sport coats for the gentleman with discriminating tastes.

Saturday 2310:

After cleaning out the garage and moving a bunch of stuff to the new off-site storage facility, I went to the old house for yet another load of stuff including my computer.  When I got back, Mrs. Sarcastro had completely decorated the house with all the Christmas junk.  The tree was up and fully decorated.  Christmas pillows, towels, rugs, pot holders, dishes, snowglobes and whatever other holiday kitsch she could festoon the joint with was adorning every available surface.  I don’t see where she gets the energy.  She gets around pretty good for a pregnant broad.

Needless to say, all of my Xmas crap is exiled to storage.  With the exception of my Talking Santa Homer.  I have to draw the line somewhere.




12 Responses to “****THANKSGIVING 2**** Meet the In-Laws”

  1. sgazzetti Says:

    I do beg your pardon, but "no swearing, no drinking, family oriented festival of fun"is one of the most twisted and fraught oxymorons I’ve ever run across, and I spent years in military intelligence.

  2. john h Says:

    Is the C. of Christ involved in Thanksgiving in some way? I wait with bated breath…

  3. Mack Says:

    <i>With any luck it will be a passive-aggressive display full of resentment, secrets and recriminations. </i>With any luck. You twisted prick. I’ve decided to be thankful today that you are not here, laptop in hand, dissecting my family with your high powered scrutiny. That said, Happy Thanksgiving!

  4. Exador Says:

    Hide booze in the bathroom.It gets us through the holidays.

  5. Nashville Knucklehead Says:

    The comcast training manual spends four full chapters on "how to be a worthless cocksucker."

  6. Mack Says:

    Had to hop back in and say a big AMEN to the most crass, vile, and unfunny Comic Relief ever. In their day, those three were funny. Ok, Billy Cyrstal was funny. Was it the format? Even normally hysterically funny people like the group from Chris Guest’s troupe came off strained and, well, unfunny. Overly scripted? Shame, it really was for a good cause.

  7. Sarcastro Says:

    Agreed. Good cause, yet unfunny in the way only something with the words Whoopi Goldberg attached can be.

  8. Exador Says:

    You’re giving away the Superman lunchbox?!Will your nuts be in it?

  9. Exador Says:

    OK, maybe that was too far…but I couldn’t resist. I apologize unreservedly.

  10. Sarcastro Says:

    Selling, not giving away. I have nowhere to put it other than in a box in the garage.Even the children ask, "What’s the deal with all the Superman stuff?"

  11. Sarcastro Says:

    I have now been informed that both my balls and the Superman lunchbox are safe from the auction block.However, if you don’t jump on the washer and dryer, they are going up for sale.

  12. newscoma Says:

    Sounds completely like you had a Sucktacular time over the holidays.Yeah, I watched Bravo’s 100 too. Didn’t agree at all and it was also sucktacular.I would love some Thai unfortunately I live in hell.I’m depressed now.

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