Confessions of a Shit-Eater

by

INT. CASA DE AMIGOS ANIMAL HOSPITAL – DAY

A Twelve-Step meeting is going on within a circle in the middle of the hospital dayroom.

ROSE
Hi, my name is Rose and I’m a coprophagic.

GROUP (in unison)
Hi, Rose.

ROSE
It’s been two days since my last cat turd.
(sips coffee)
I recently “came out” to my owner. Well, he discovered it on accident. Boy, is he pissed off. This has been one of the hardest things for me to admit, and all he can do is yell, “I can’t believe I have a shit-eating dog!” I kind of expected him to be more supportive, y’know?

KRYSTAL (group leader)
So, you don’t eat dog shit?

ROSE
(sighing audibly)
No, my desire is for cat turds. Tasty little cat turds. See, we just moved into a new house. There’s a cat in the house. As my friendship with the cat grew, I found myself unable to resist his tasty turds. I would lay on the couch daydreaming about when the cat would dump in the litter box, so I could scarf it down while it was still fresh.

CHUCK BERRY
I Want My Breakfast!

KRYSTAL
It isn’t your turn, Mr. Berry. We are talking about Rose’s issues right now. You can go next.

CHUCK BERRY
Don’t touch my amp!

THOMAS PYNCHON
The innocence of the creatures is in inverse proportion to the immorality of the Master.

ROSE
Hey! I was talking.

KRYSTAL
Go on, Rose.

ROSE
I tried to misdirect attention by taking a dump by the basement door, instead of going on one of the many walks I am taken on daily. That seems to infuriate him more. I’ve been housebroken for years, but when I’m down in the basement, and I smell that litter box, it just makes me want to, you know, let it all out. I can’t help myself.

THOMAS PYNCHON
Those must have all been important to me once. What I am now grew from that. A former self is a fool, an insufferable ass, but he’s still human, you’d no more turn him out than you’d turn out any kind of cripple, would you?

ROSE
(impatiently)
Still talking here, fella.

CHUCK BERRY
Where the white women at?

KRYSTAL
Rose, what are you planning to do to curb your desire for cat turds?

ROSE
I’ll keep coming to these useless meetings. Funny how 12 step programs have the same success as do people who quit their bad habits on their own. Anyway, it gets me out of the house and away from the litter box for a couple of hours.

KRYSTAL
(nervously looking at her clipboard)
Anyone want to challenge what Rose just said? Anyone?

I think I have a problem and need help. I’m going to enter a treatment facility. Oooh. Maybe Mark Foley will be there!

rosie.jpg

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3 Responses to “Confessions of a Shit-Eater”

  1. Delgado Says:

    Is "Casa de Amigos" Cubarican talk for "pet grooming and boarding"? Just wondering.

  2. Sarcastro Says:

    I’m no Cubarican linguist, but I’m pretty sure that Pet Grooming & Boarding is an approximate translation.

  3. peptodismal Says:

    Melange du Merde from Cat Fancier Magazine:2 cups Tidy cat3 assorted "kitty biscuits", 1 tuna, 1 chicken, 1 Purina.2 Tablespoons Black Cat Golden Riesling.1 furball (optional)Toss, and eat chilled, Now lick Daddy right in the chops.

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