Morning In America!


Compare the naive hopes of Aunt B:

We have two years.  Let’s fix the legislation that makes our lives open books to the government.  Let’s end torture in our names.  Let’s make sure the troops have the equipment they need and that the U.S. has a plan for Iraq more detailed than just "Hope shit clears up on its own."  Let’s not try to hold hearings on everything.  Let’s just make sure we have time to get to the bottom of the important stuff.  Let’s return the rules and protocol to what they were before Frist started fucking with stuff.

with the cold realism of Worker #3116:

I cannot tell you how excited I am that the war in Iraq is finally over, that we’ve successfully ended poverty AND racism in America, that the genocide in Sudan is getting the international attention it deserves, that we finally have a clear-eyed realistic approach to Afghanistan, North Korea, and Iran, that the lackluster economy is going to actually start improving with jobs for the working class rather than major dividends for the top 1%, that we finally have a national understanding of the importance of education, that gays will no longer be demonized in the political process and free to live their lives as they choose, and that abortion is not only legal throughout our awesome country, but free of the taboo and self-righteous indignation that has made it such a fearful subject and practice for so many women, particularly those living in poverty. I’m excited that the ocean is made out of chocolate and the clouds are peppermint candy floss. I’m excited that unicorns are once again roaming the open plains, and that wizards are finding their powers renewed and, indeed, enhanced. I’m excited that all the drinking fountains are filled with soda and that there’s no more homework ever. I’m excited that when you wish for an infinite number of cheeseburgers, you actually get an infinite number of cheeseburgers.

No, thank you, Nancy Pelosi.


On a tangentially related subject, the election is over.  So, shut up already.  No mas.  Let it go.  Unfortunately, many folks can’t.  Like the national and local news dopes.  It must be sweeps month because the creatively bankrupt local stations are trotting out the actress who played the bimbo in the Ford ads.

They are going to interview her.  About what?  She’s an actress.  She had two lines in a political ad.  She got paid.  End of fucking story.  They sent a camera crew to Austin, Texas to talk to her.  Does she not have a phone?  This is Channel 5’s TOP STORY today.

Instead, we have Rhori Whatsisname intoning in his faux-gravitatsy voice about how "SOME say a controversial campaign ad turned the tide…"  Really?  Who exactly is SOME?  Here’s a free tip to the viewers out there.  Any time the talking heads on the local news start out a sentence with the words, "Some say…", that is secret news code for TOTAL BULLSHIT STORY.   Unless, of course, the story is about a Korean grocer named Sum.  Then it is totally legit.

Using the word "some" is the lazy shortcut that lets the news weasels off the hook if they don’t have stuff like quotes and sources and facts.  They can couch any whackjob opinion with that "Some say…" nonsense.  Look at how many stupid local news segments start out with "Some say atheists are a bigger threat to America than Al-Qaeda." or "Some say President Bush molests collies."  All John Q. Couchpotato is going to yell from the den is, "Hey Martha, they just said on the news that the President molests collies!"

In a perfect world you could credit the beating of this dead horse to the fabled LeftWingLiberalMediaConspiracy.  In the real world, the answer is far more mundane.  There are dumbasses in the news business.  The same kind of people who figure out what is important enough for the public to know are also lampooned on shows like The Office.  These manager types are the ones who assign stories while spouting hip references to "makin’ copies" and "da Bears".

Here’s a hard hitting I-team investigation from the cutting edge Channel 4:  Prostitutes are using the Internet. Yep, hookers are on Craigslist.  Who knew?  I bet they found out about that from the Sara Evans divorce papers.

I’d make fun of WKRN, but they buy me beer and appetizers on occasion.




4 Responses to “Morning In America!”

  1. Gandalf Mantooth Says:

    Likely her agent is pitching her interview to news stations to take advantage of her 15 seconds.Do your veins pop out when you go on these rants? 🙂

  2. Sarcastro Says:

    It would be so cool if I could get a graphic representation of a vein popping out to go with each rant.However, when I use the Google to find "throbbing vein", the results are unfortunate.

  3. Gandalf Mantooth Says:


  4. john h Says:

    nobody does it better…not even smantix

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