Archive for November, 2006

When Does That Seinfeld DVD Come Out?

November 30, 2006

Maybe for the next season’s collection, they can add this as an easter egg.

(YouTube user has removed video, sorry)

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What Seems To Be the Problem, Officer?

November 29, 2006

Mrs. Kathryn Johnson, an 88-year (or 92, depending on who you ask) old Atlanta resident was murdered by police the other day.   Thanks, War on Drugs!  Another evil narco-trafficking great-grandmother threatening our Republic has been eliminated.  Huzzah!

Here’s a little safety tip officer, if you kick in my door in the middle of the night, the second thing through the door frame will be your brain matter.  Yelling that you are the police isn’t some kind of way to claim "Not It!" immunity.  Nothing stops either the home invaders or Iraqi insurgents from claiming they are the police while they are up to their shenanigans.  Yeah, I know.  They are cheating.  What do you expect?  They are criminals. 

See,we’ve got this thing called the Fourth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. 

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

We also have this cool thing called the Second Amendment to make sure we can defend our right to be secure in our persons and homes.  As far as I’m concerned, and apparently the same went for Mrs. Johnson, those two amendments trump your half-assed probable cause for busting in her home.

If you are going to base a "no-knock" warrant on the word of some sketchy jitterbugging crack fiend, well, you get what you pay for.  I don’t want to tell you how to do your jobs, but it seems to me that the investigative side of police work would compel you to seek corroborative evidence before you put lives at risk.  Or don’t you all do that stuff anymore?

I bet if you watched the house for 24 hours, you might have found the only people coming and going from that house was Meals on Wheels, instead of the Medellin Cartel.  Again, I’m not as highly trained as you all.  I’m just minimally fucking observant.

Sure, you cops fired in self-defense.  You and the rest of the SWAT team were just minding your own business terrorizing the elderly when she shot at you.  Good luck next time you get a hot tip.

The next old lady might be a better shot.

In a related matter, Radley Balko over at CATO has a very cool map that details all the incidents of bogus Barney Fife raids.

Build Your Own 1950’s Robot

November 28, 2006

Yes, folks why not build a robot head to do your laundry for you?

This Whirpool Duet Washer and Dryer set usually retails for about $999 for the washer, $849 for the gas dryer, and $200 for the pedestals.  With tax, you are looking at well over two grand for the whole shebang.

I will part with this beautiful combination of both form and function for the low price of $1500 or best offer.

It is energy efficient and will wash an assload of clothes.  Just ask these satisified customers!

Not only will it get your clothes clean, but you can use it to make your own Iron Giant.

 

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More Internet Specials!!

November 28, 2006

FOR RENT:

2 1/2 Bedroom 1 Bath home in West Nashville.  Easy walking distance to Charlotte Park.  W/D hookups.  Fenced-in backyard.  Pets welcome with a sizable pet deposit.  Convenient to the interstate. Special blogger rent–$825 per month.  Ask about our "Mow the Yard" discount!

Drop a comment or email if interested.

Just Doing My Part…

November 27, 2006

Got a letter yesterday from the little African child I sponsor.  He writes:

Dear Mr. Sarcastro,

Thank you so much for the $5 you sent me.  It will help us to buy food and medicine.  Maybe one day we will be able to have fresh water thanks to that daily 35 cents you so generously provide.  Until then, my brothers and I will continue to bathe in the trench that runs through our refugee camp.

You last letter was very informative.  Please send more tales of your adventures.  Everyone in our tent loved the story about the old woman in front of you at the grocery store.   I nearly spit out my stale cracker at the thought that someone inconvenienced you in such a manner.  Be assured, when I get to America I won’t be using a sack full of pennies to purchase foodstuffs, good sir.

Sorry to hear your Thanksgiving meal wasn’t "exciting" enough for you.  It is truly a shame that the massive amount of food that you jammed down your gullet was "boring".  The people from the charity gave us an extra serving of locusts to commemorate the Pilgrims doing something to the Indians.

That is great news about the little vegan girl.  She must be so proud of herself.  I look forward to hearing more of her struggles and triumphs in sticking to a strict regimen of not eating cheese and meat.  It’s been months since I’ve had cheese or meat and I feel great.  My little brother has never had meat.  Unless you count the flies who land in his mouth.  Kudos to you, good sir, for not using her brave choice as an opportunity to mock her.  If you have taught me anything over our correspondence, it is that what others do isn’t our business if it doesn’t affect us, and more importantly, it will theoretically mean more meat and cheese available for me.  Hurray vegans!  Now, I’ve never seen a fish, so I have no idea if they suffer.  Not to complain about my situation or anything, but there’s quite a bit of suffering going on here.  And not one goddamned fish.  So, whatever is happening with these fish, I would gladly trade places with it. 

I agree with you about the Amazing Race.  If those assholes come through here, I will totally be hiding in the trunk of whatever vehicle they have.  I don’t know where this race that is so amazing will take them, but it must be better than here.  Oh, and I hope those blonde bitches lose.  Or get captured by the Janjaweed.

By the way, your Janjaweed joke did not go over well.  They didn’t think it was a good name for a reggae band.  So they raped my little sister.  Again.

Looks like it is about to start raining AIDS, so I must say good bye. 

Your faithful sponsoree,

Wilbur "Lefty" Adewale, Jr.

****THANKSGIVING 2**** Meet the In-Laws

November 23, 2006

Thursday 0700:

The much awaited sequel to last year’s T’giving extravaganza will be a different sort of bird.  Due to various factors, we won’t be making the trip to Mt. Sarcastro.  There will be no guzzling booze with Exador all day and drunk dialing unfortunate souls.  There will be no profanity laced golfing exhibitions.  There will be no humiliated by her son’s holiday observations outrage on the part of Mother Sarcastro.

Instead, we are going to Mrs. Sarcastro’s parents for dinner.  From 90 year old grandmothers to 15 weeks until birth fetuses, that whole side of the family will be there.  It will be a no swearing, no drinking, family oriented festival of fun!

At least on the surface.  With any luck it will be a passive-aggressive display full of resentment, secrets and recriminations.   Like the classic SNL skit Dysfunctional Family Christmas.

Thursday 2040:

This may be the most boring Thanksgiving ever.   Everyone, even the children, got along reasonably well.  There was no airing of grievances or opening of old wounds.  In other words, boring.

Even the food was boring.  Don’t get me wrong.  It was good.  But is was a very standard, white-bread American Thanksgiving.  If you found a copy of a 1965 Betty Crocker cookbook and made the Thanksgiving dinner according to its instructions, you would have a pretty good idea of the meal.

Like the Kennedy’s at Hyannisport, there was touch football on the lawn.  By that I mean, if the Kennedy’s were tee-totalling Church of Christers and Hyannisport was in Smyrna.  Apparently, I was still out in the yard throwing footballs when the eight minute long blessing was offered.

Sister-in-law’s husband was kind enough to help me move my 300 lb. television and a few other heavy items out of the old house.  It gave us both an opportunity to get the hell out while we could.

The only controversy over the holiday has been with the worthless cocksuckers at Comcast.  They turned a simple matter of transferring my service from the old house to the new into a colossal waste of time.  It got to the point where one of the complete fucking idiots I spoke with on the phone started copping an attitude.  Sorry pal, I get a little edgy after spending an hour on the phone with nitwits who are unable to do their jobs.  As the woman who finally was able to help me stated so incredulously, "It shouldn’t have been a problem, they just had to click over to the next screen."

If it weren’t for her kind help and my crippling internet/television addiction, I would have cancelled cable.  Also, the kids would have revolted had they come home to a television that only gets four channels.

Now all is right with the world.  My big-ass TV is in the living room just the way I like it.  My Stickley recliner is positioned just the way I like it.  There is digital cable in my new home.  So far, it’s a pretty good holiday.

Shit, I spoke to soon.  Comic Relief is on.  Goddamnit.  I made it a point to miss this last week.  Two people who haven’t been funny in twenty years and one who hasn’t ever been funny hosting a comedy show.  Oh joy.   Two minutes in and Robin Williams has fallen back on his fake black voice and a dick joke.  The first words out of Whoopi Goldberg’s mouth was "George Bush".  This is going to be hilarious.  Where’s Michael Richards when you need him?  Oh, that’s right.  He’s where he was two weeks ago.  Total Fucking Obscurity.  Next time Kramer, take Robin, Whoopie and Billy with you.

Tomorrow, Mrs. Sarcastro, her sister and their mother are going to brave Black Friday.  Hopefully I can get into some kind of adventure or this post will continue to be utterly anti-climactic.

Friday 0950:

I’m watching Bravo’s 100 Funniest Movies countdown show while hooking up sundry pieces of home electronics and unloading boxes.  What a load of shit this program is.  They ranked Shampoo, Annie Hall, Manhattan and When Harry Met Sally as being funnier than The Blues Brothers, Office Space, and This Is Spinal Tap.  Who are these people?  Shrek is funnier than Blazing Saddles or South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut?  Since when, asshole? 

When the zombie apocalypse comes, the brains behind this dumbassery will be the first to wind up splattered against a cinder block wall.

Time to go unload more stuff.

Friday 2220:

So far, the best meal of the holiday weekend has been the Massaman Curry at the Thai joint around the corner, capped off by a Strawberry Cheesecake Shake from Sonic.  There’s a reason why people only eat turkey once or twice a year.  You don’t see people busting out the cranberry slices and stuffing on the Fourth of July for some reason.  Turns out to be a good reason for that. Turkey sucks.

Little known fact:  Israel is the world’s highest per capita consumer of turkey.  Ironically, Turkey is the world’s largest consumer of Israelis.  Or was that Germany?  I have a feeling you can’t get a decent BBQ sandwich in Israel.  But I digress.

Second best meal was lunch at the Mothership today.  Break the turkey habit and go get some pork on Saturday.  Not only was Dr. Funkenswine’s fabled sandwich a glorious respite from the tryptophan induced torpor, his mac and cheese side dish kicks serious ass.  Add a little of the hot BBQ sauce and you have a side dish that must be reckoned with.

Tomorrow involves more moving of junk from the old house to the new.  Anyone interested in a red sofa?  How about a mint-in-the-box VHS copy of Fargo with a collectible snow-globeSuperman lunch box?  I still have plenty of men’s suits and sport coats for the gentleman with discriminating tastes.

Saturday 2310:

After cleaning out the garage and moving a bunch of stuff to the new off-site storage facility, I went to the old house for yet another load of stuff including my computer.  When I got back, Mrs. Sarcastro had completely decorated the house with all the Christmas junk.  The tree was up and fully decorated.  Christmas pillows, towels, rugs, pot holders, dishes, snowglobes and whatever other holiday kitsch she could festoon the joint with was adorning every available surface.  I don’t see where she gets the energy.  She gets around pretty good for a pregnant broad.

Needless to say, all of my Xmas crap is exiled to storage.  With the exception of my Talking Santa Homer.  I have to draw the line somewhere.

 

 

Let The Eye-Rolling Commence, Anon

November 21, 2006

NPR had a tedious feature yesterday about how Shakespeare would be a Hollywood bigshot were he alive today.   In short, every literature dork with a lateral lisp and a daydream about The Bard, got to shoot his What If wad on the radio.

I personally would rather wonder What If Spartacus had a Piper Cub

Nevertheless, here’s some credits from Bill Shakespeare’s Imdb page.

Two and a Half Men from Verona

The Merchant of Baywatch

Hamlet’s Heroes

Romeo & Juliet Go To White Castle

CSI: Denmark

Desperate Housewives of Windsor

A Midsummer’s Night Replacement Series

King Lear of Queens

Macbeth, P.I.

Funny Only To Me

November 20, 2006

Last week was the acting debut of an exciting new star. All his mother and I can do is hope that he doesn’t grow up to become a Scientologist.

Although, they may be able to help him remember his lines. He spent the rest of the play with a scowl on his face after blowing his first cue.

On an unrelated note, the pinko-Commie author of this version of Pochahontas made it a point to put songs about how the Jamestown settlers were responsible for the deforestation, overfishing, urban sprawl and the lack of good casinos. Way to brainwash the kids, lady.

Burning Questions

November 15, 2006

**Is sex with a pregnant woman considered a menage a trois?

**If drugs, booze and cigarettes are so bad for you, why was I in better shape when I was using drugs, getting drunk and smoking a pack a day?

**Is Aunt B’s surname Plucker?

**Does anyone really give two shits about the impending marriage of Lil’ Tommy Cruise and his Stockholm Syndrome victim?  Does anyone really give two shits that Oprah isn’t invited?

**Am I the only one who upon hearing that Bush 41’s crew is back thought, "About damn time."?

The Man Who Sold The World

November 14, 2006

Are any of you not so sharply dressed men out there looking for a suit to wear to your next social engagement, fancy ball or court date?

If so, come on down to Sarcastro’s House of Discount Menswear (a subsidiary of Global Dynamics)!

We’ve got name brand suits for $20!

Sport Coats $10

Dress pants $5–We’ll throw in the pleats, NO CHARGE!

Dress shirts $1

Disclaimer:  All clothing slightly used, and honestly not worn in years. 

So, if your size is somewhere around 34 or 36/30 for pants; 16-16 3/4 for dress shirts; and between 42R and 44R in jacket, get in on the discount action!

At these prices, they better not last long!