Maus: This Time, It’s Personal


The dog and I were having a conference about the Final Solution for the Mouse Question.

You know, instead of sitting on the couch watching MSNBC, you could help me with this mouse business.

Are you talking to me or to yourself? Count your blessings. Not everyone has a talking dog who watches television all day.

I’m talking to you. Besides, I don’t watch TV during the day. It is only on for your benefit.

Yeah, I almost forgot. You spend all day surfing the web compiling zombie apocalypse survival tips and pretending to look for a job. My bad.


Why aren’t you helping me with the mice?

Do I look like a fucking cat? I go out there and stare at the shed. The mice don’t come out. What else would you have me do? When I grow opposable thumbs, I’ll get right on that.

Thanks for shitting right by the shed door, by the way. Very nice.

What do you care, smart-guy? You aren’t going to clean it up. Speaking of cleaning up, how do you propose to get the mice to un-ass the AO?

Please don’t use obscure army references that are only funny to about three people world-wide. It destroys the whole idea of you having your own voice if you are constantly using my catch-phrases.

(Yawns) Whatever, David Berkowitz. Sorry. Please don’t cane me, sir! I was led astray!

Nice. Hard Day’s Night. Is this going to go on all day?

There you go, hiding behind a smokescreen of bourgeois cliches.

Put yer tongue away, it looks disgustin hangin out, all pink and naked.

Touche. So, are you going to poison these little bastards or what?

No. I can’t put rat poison out because you might eat it by mistake.

Dumbass. I can’t get into the shed. No opposable thumbs, remember?

Still. You might eat it. I can’t risk the death of a beloved pet at this point.

Whatever. Are you using the traps that snap their necks?

No. I’m using the glue traps. They are more humane.


How in the hell is that more humane? How is sticking them in peanut butter flavored glue until they starve to death more humane than snapping their necks with a spring-loaded pow?

Well, for starters what am I going to use for bait? They have food laying around all over the place. How is a piece of cheese going to tempt them when the grass seed buffet is mounded up in front of them? The glue traps, placed tactically along their avenues of approach, should work just fine.

You want to watch the mice suffer don’t you?


Yer a sick fuck, Fink.

Enough with the snappy movie references. Let’s go check the traps.

No thanks. Contessa Brewer is on. Mmmm, Contessa.


16 Responses to “Maus: This Time, It’s Personal”

  1. Mrs. Sarcastro Says:

    See what you’ve done? You now have my sweet Rose saying, "Mmmm, Contessa."

  2. SayUncle Says:

    What kind of dog is that?

  3. Sarcastro Says:

    A talking one.She may have some evil pit bull in her. We try not to pry. Her parentage seems to be a sensitive subject.

  4. Aunt B. Says:

    What a nice afghan that dog is cuddled up with! Just imagine how awesome it would be to curl up under that and read all afternoon…Don’t your neighbors have cats? Can’t you just leave the shed door open, keep the dog in the house, and let the neighbor cats take care of your problem?

  5. Sarcastro Says:

    The cats, if they are still around, have their hands full keeping the mice out of my crawl space.

  6. SayUncle Says:

    ‘She may have some evil pit bull in her. ‘I was going to go with Catahoula Leopard Dog:

  7. Sarcastro Says:

    You may be on to something Uncle.Her background is a mystery to us. We figured North Georgia Mountain dog with a brindle coat.

  8. SayUncle Says:

    Fine farm dog, cattle and hog.

  9. saraclark Says:

    They make poison in little box mazes so that the mice go in and get it and the dog/children/neighbor’s cats can’t.You know that your mouse population doubles every 30 days right? More often if they are well fed and bored? Kind of like rednecks.

  10. SistaSmiff Says:

    Those damn things are my biggest varmit phobia. Reptiles and spiders don’t bother me even a fraction of what those little shitters do. I’ve got to good for nothing, sack o’shit cats that love to catch mice I can loan you.

  11. SistaSmiff Says:

    My wonderful spelling ability just momentarily left me because thinking about all those mice running around your shed messes me up….I have TWO cats.

  12. Mack Says:

    Good God Almighty, dude. Didn’t we just have this whole "it’s almost creepy" discussion on blogging about pets? Open the friggin shed doors. Make noise. Make alot of noise. Place steel wool in the cracks so that they don’t return. Close the shed doors. Go watch Oprah. For crissakes.

  13. Sarcastro Says:

    Mack,We are fighting them in the shed so we don’t have to fight them in the house.Our conversation about creepy pet blogging was the inspirado.My television doesn’t get Oprah.

  14. sgazzetti Says:

    I second the Catahoula bid. Ole Mr. B. had a roommate several years back that was pure Catahoula, and the thing was such a monster that I’ve got the major attributes seared into my memory:brindle coat, light eye color, fuzzy afghan, uses obscure 124 MI BN catch-phrases. She’s got some Catahoula in her fo’ sho.

  15. Exador Says:

    Rose is about the sissiest dog I’ve ever met, but she always looks like a demon from hell, in pictures.

  16. Sarcastro Says:

    That is the beauty of Rose. She could not be more harmless, but has a threatening bark and a look that give people the heebie-jeebies.This description from the Wikipedia entry on Catahoula dogs is apt:"Catahoulas are highly intelligent, energetic, and quick, yet are generally very loving and gentle with children. They are inquisitive and have an independent streak. However, the Catahoula temperament is not suited for everyone; these dogs tend to be very protective of their territory and family, and also, may be aggressive toward other dogs—especially of the same sex."That explains why poor Belle gets humped mercilessly whenever we go to Sarcastro Mountain.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: