I Hates Them Meeses To Pieces


Today was the day.  If I were to get anything done outside, today would have been the day to do it.  It isn’t going to get any warmer.  It isn’t going to get any sunnier.  The only thing we have to look forward to for the next few months is increased coldness and shittiness.  Today was the day.

Yesterday was "Burning Classified Documents in the Chiminea" day.  Today was going to be "Mow The Yard/General Landscaping" day.  Today was the day.

I went to the shed to get the mower out and saw a mouse.  This isn’t unusual.  Thanks to my laziness, I left a bag of grass seed out in the shed.  I left it there two years ago.  The shed is more accurately now a granary for this mouse.  I see it every time I get the mower out.

Today I saw the mouse.  Then I saw his mouse wife.  And her mouse parents.  And the mouse wacky neighbor.  And the mouse kid who is actually played by twins because of child labor laws.  The mice have holed up in the shed to either wait out the goddamn zombie apocalypse or to shoot a sitcom pilot.   I was afraid this might happen.

I resolved to table the mouse problem, write a report, and hope the next administration would have to deal with it.  Today, I had grass to mow, weeds to kill, edges to trim and whatever else was necessary to prepare the yard for winter.  Today was the day.

After a nightmarish trip to the gas station for $2 worth of fuel, I fired up the mower.  I’ve had some trouble with the mower this year.  All I needed today was one more mission accomplished with that mower.   It fired right up and was looking good for about two lengths of the backyard.  Then the mower mysteriously died.

A cursory inspection showed the carburetor had vibrated loose and gas wasn’t getting to the engine.  This was not a new development.  What was odd was that the usual repair steps weren’t working.  The mission looked like it was going to be scrubbed.  Today was the day.

Then I noticed all over the top of the engine and down by the mower deck were these little black specks.  What are little black specks doing on the mower?  It was mouse turds.  The goddamn mice were shitting on my lawn mower.  The sheer audacity of these mice was unbelievable.  I thought we had a live and let live arrangement.  I don’t kill you and you don’t shit on my tools.  How hard is that to understand?

The pieces started falling into place after realizing the mice had broken the social contract.  They had sabotaged the mower.  That’s why I can’t fix it.  They are trying to drive me out of the shed with this little shitty insurgency.   Not only have they shit on the mower and monkey-wrenched the engine, they have been up to other things as well.  The cardboard box that the weed whacker came in is all chewed up.  Like the damn grass seed isn’t good enough for them all of a sudden. 

They think they are so clever, running and hiding when I open the door.  They won’t be able to disappear into the shadows for long.  Tomorrow we are instituting The Final Solution.  Those mice will rue the day they fucked with my lawn mower.  Expect a follow-up post with photographic evidence.  The yard can wait.  I don’t care if it takes until spring to get the yard in shape.  I am going to terminate those mice with extreme prejudice.

Tomorrow will be the day. 


3 Responses to “I Hates Them Meeses To Pieces”

  1. sgazzetti Says:

    Tell the mice they can run, but they can’t hide. Those mice hate freedom. Tell them that your economy is strong and that you will do whatever it takes to secure your shed’s borders and keep lawnmowers safe. Make it clear that you will not allow them to have a safe haven for training other mice to eat grass seed. Let them know that you are going to stay the course, that you will not cut and run. Those mice HATE FREEDOM.

  2. Rex L. Camino Says:

    Will there also be photographic evidence if an escaped kangaroo winds up in the shed and you mistake it for a giant mouse and it ends up kicking your ass?

  3. brittney Says:

    The title of this made me laugh.

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