Morning Memo

by

To the dickface loser who tailgated me on 440 this morning:  Having Rutherford County tags is really no excuse for being a shitty driver.  When it is raining and conditions are slick, it only makes sense to allow a couple of car lengths between your car and the one in front of you.  Especially when going ten miles over the speed limit  one should always make sure to leave plenty of room in case of a sudden stop.  So, you tried to pass on the right and when it became clear you were running out of room, you cut me off.  That, frankly, was to be expected.  Being a pig-eyed inbred fool excuses you from understanding that everyone on the highway isn’t going to pull over because your time is more valuable than their’s.  Did you feel a great sense of accomplishment when you barely made it in front of me with only inches to spare?  How did you like that car that was formerly in front of me, now in front of you, that was going even slower than I was?  See, that was the concept your tiny brain couldn’t grasp.  You would have been better off behind me.  So, did you like getting boxed  in?  You must be proud that you made it to Briley Parkway a whole two-seconds faster than you would have had you not driven like an asshole.  At this rate, you will save ten minutes by the time you make it to, say, Sioux Falls, South Dakota.  Way to go!  Dumbass.

To NPR:  You aren’t going to get a dime out of me, so quit asking. You jerks dumped poor old Bob Edwards out on an iceberg.  Even Deborah Norville thinks that was a shitty move.  Fuck you and the pledge drive you rode in on.

To Harold Ford Jr.:  So you are going around saying that you learned right and wrong from your grandmother?  What makes you so special?  Was she not on speaking terms with anyone else in your family?  Here’s something they should have told you at law school, don’t enter things into evidence that you don’t want to address later.  You can’t bring up various honkies in the Ford Family woodshed and virtue spewing grannies in one breath, then get all fake-outraged that your opponent would bring up your crooked family with the next. 

To the Arizona Cardinals:  You suck.  You squandered a huge lead.  You got beat by a team that didn’t score a touchdown on offense.  You got beat by a team that gave up six turnovers.   Thank Allah I don’t bet on football anymore.

To the 300 millionth new American:  We’d like some cheese-dip, a glass of sangria, a top-shelf margarita, the tacos carne asada, and the camarones mojo de aijo.  Gracias.  Me gustan las nueva bebe americana.  P.S.  Don’t answer any emails from a guy named Foley.

To Madonna:  Will your new fashion accessory also speak with a fake British accent?   I’m not saying that adopting third world kids is wrong.  There’s this 17 year old Vietnamese girl I have my eye on, for example.  What’s wrong is that you didn’t adopt a kid.  You bought one.  If they sold Malawi babies at Harrods you would have two by now.  That’s a real Lady or the Tiger dilemma that kid has ahead of him.  On the one hand, he won’t grow up in some third world shithole full of dysentery, AIDS and Zombie Plague.  On the other hand, he will have to be raised by Madonna.  Tough break, kid.

To Mike Nifong:  Dude, if this was one of the Law & Order spinoffs, you would have Jack McCoy calling you an incompetent boob and Fred Thompson firing your dumb ass.   Does the name Tawana Brawley ring any bells? To quote the Duke Law prof from 60 Minutes, James Coleman, "I think that he pandered to the community by saying ‘I’m gonna go out there and defend your interests in seeing that these hooligans who committed the crime are prosecuted. I’m not gonna let their fathers, with all of their money, buy you know big-time lawyers and get them off. I’m doing this for you.’ You know, what are you to conclude about a prosecutor who says to you, ‘I’ll do whatever it takes to get this set of defendants?’ What does it say about what he’s willing to do to get poor black defendants."

To Everyone Else:  Gawker’s The Unethicist is the funniest damn thing on the www computer.  When I grow up, I want to be Worker #3116.
 

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15 Responses to “Morning Memo”

  1. Scott Smith Says:

    For the record, your local public radio station did not "dump" Bob Edwards. That decision was made in Washington. This is like lashing out at channel 5 because you don’t like what happened to Dan Rather. Although the full story will probably never come out, it is my understanding that tensions had been high between Bob and the network brass for quite some time. While I (and NPR) admit that the situation could have been handled better, Bob seems to be much happier on his satellite "iceberg."But hey, pledge or not, we’re glad you’re listening!

  2. Sarcastro Says:

    True enough, Scott.That blast was directed at NPR, not WPLN.In honor of your comment, I’ll wear my WPLN denim shirt today. It is the one with the embroidered logo, that I shelled out $130 for a couple of years ago.For the record, I normally would rather watch a church burn than pay $130 for a shirt. Embroidered logo or not.Glad you are reading, Scott.

  3. Katherine Coble Says:

    Dude. You’d pay $130 to watch a church burn. I know you.

  4. Huck Says:

    Ha! I gave up on the game in the 3rd and went to bed thinking it was cynched. I think I made the right decision. How sad.

  5. Scott Smith Says:

    Check the thrift shops. Those shirts often show up there just a few days after we send them out. On more than one occasion I’ve seen homeless guys wearing WPLN shirts. I guess what they do is a fund drive of sorts too. Makes me wonder if I should find an exit ramp and get a sign: "Public radio employee. Please help. God bless."

  6. Sarcastro Says:

    I wear mine on construction sites. Eventually the superintendent will come over and ask if I’m a Communist.There’s a guy I know who had a record deal for about thirty minutes. All of the shirts the label printed up to sell along with his non-selling CD are now worn by a variety of downtown homeless.I like to tell him that his fan club is having a meeting at the park across from the Downtown Library.

  7. Holiday Grinch Says:

    I miss Bob…remember how he used to say his name? "This is Ba Bedwards"…I repeated it out loud everytime.

  8. Exador Says:

    What is with you southernors and the rain? It’s just water! You don’t have to drive half the speed limit. I was 2 minutes late for work because I was stuck, trying to get through you hayseeds.Pussy

  9. Sarcastro Says:

    What is it with Northerners and the lack of ability to read for comprehension?I was going ten miles over the speed limit in the rain, with bald tires, on slick roads. That wasn’t fast enough for the dumbass behind me who couldn’t stand the fact I wasn’t riding the ass of the guy in front of me.

  10. grandefille Says:

    <i>Having Rutherford County tags is really no excuse for being a shitty driver.</i>It’s no excuse, but it’s an explanation.When we would drive elsewhere during my childhood and some other driver would pull some asinine and dangerous stunt, my dad would say, "Check and see if he’s got Rutherford County tags." Without fail, they did.I was born here, I still live here, and they STILL drive like that, just faster. It’s terrifying. My current favorite was trying to tailgate a COP yesterday morning in the passing lane. On Broad Street. In the rain. I kept thinking, "I don’t mind my tax dollars paying for the repairs to the patrol car. Hit your brakes and then pile out of the car and go all Buford Pusser on him, bubba."

  11. Exador Says:

    I kid. It’s one of my pet peeves to be tailgated when I’m obviously in a line of cars. I feel like holding up a big sign that says, "Yes, I would like to go faster too."

  12. Michael Says:

    Now look, I e-mailed you to apologize for tailgating…now just let it go, man!OK, that wasn’t me ,but it seemed like a funny thing to say.

  13. jagosaurus Says:

    At the faintest whiff of a mention of a possibility of even a single drop of rain, IQs in the DC metro area drop a good 40 points. People forget how to drive, what a turn signal is, that there are these things called lanes, and ALL of the laws of physics if, in fact, they ever knew them to begin with.

  14. BarbieMePlease Says:

    I drive into Jackson daily on a rural two lane. This morning, in the fog, driving 50 in a 45 mph zone, one of the usuals pulled over to pass me in the oncoming lane as soon as we reached a passing zone. The ditz just about crashed into an oncoming car in the fog before she was able to get by me and ride up the ass of the car that had previously been in front of me….all the way into Jackson. She made it….this time.

  15. Mack Says:

    Hah, I feel better about my rant on my blog…nice to know I’m in good company. I remember when I was a kid, my Dad used to tap his brakes a little, or, throw on his lights (looks like brake lights for a sec) then inform his passengers that if the guy behind him didn’t ease up, he’d bring the ass-end of his car up high and let him smash into us. He said he’d need a new bumper, but the other guy would totally fuck up his ride. Funny that I never found that all that comforting…

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