The Spanish Prisoner of War


When a guy comes up to you outside of a grocery store, and lays some tale of woe on you about how he came down here to the VA hospital from East Pigshit, Kentucky and they done towed his car/ran out of gas/needs bus fare, and "he ain’t got no way  to get no money, if you could spare a couple of dollars…", what do you do?  Do you give him a dollar or some spare change you have, or do you tell him get lost?

For me, it depends on how good the story is.  If it is a run of the mill "out of gas" story, forget it.  If it is the "just got out of jail" routine, hell no.  But, if they really put some craftsmanship into painting the word picture of their imaginary crisis, I’ll cough up some dough.   

This email, like the ones you get every day from some Third World doofus claiming you and your bank account can help him get the noble white farmer’s inheritance/Captain Kidd’s treasure/Hitler’s gold, before the dirty authorities get their thievin’ mitts on it.   The difference is this one shows a little finesse.  Rather than being from a Third World doofus, it is from one of our brave soldiers fighting for our freedoms.

I present it to you (with notes in boldface!) for your reading pleasure. 

Dear Sir,
My name is, Capt Ernest Taylor
(I knew that dude!  He was a dick.) representing a faction of American soldiers, serving in the military of the 1st Armoured Division in Iraq(an actual unit), we came across your e-mail address(s) in the process of research and enquiry into an immense military global data base. (Damn you NSA!)
I believe you are familiar with the war situation in Iraq?
(Wait, there’s a war in Iraq?) Besides the killings, a lot of activities do occur; sales of antiques (That sounds about right. When we aren’t shooting Iraqis, we often like to haggle with the surviving family members about selling their Stickley china cabinets and Queen Anne footstools), discovery of stocked foreign cash and lots more.  In April 2003, Staff Sergeant Kenneth Buff of the United States Army found US$160 million hidden by fleeing members of the Baath Party led by former dictator Saddam Hussein of Iraq. (This sentence is surprisingly factual.)
Later, a search of the area revealed more hidden loot, total US$650 million. All of this was turned to the USA Administration in Iraq.
Recently, during a routine archaeological excavation of the area east of Tigris River, I and my three other colleagues discovered 1 box of the similar kind found by US Army! After careful examination we discovered that it is $100 US Dollars bills total USD 16Million which we concealed and packaged in one box hidden safely and later send to Europe by a special Courier Service.
(Oh, right.  I love this movie.  CPT Taylor was played by George Clooney, and his buddies were Marky Mark and Ice Cube).
We require a trustworthy, upright and business minded individual
(clearly, you have no idea who I am) for opening account in Europe and to receive this money for save keeping. Details will be sent upon signal of interest. Our contact
Thanks for your co-operation
Capt. E. Taylor

See, that’s a story that is worth giving a dollar for if heard on the street.  However, if your lovely wife hears that story, and is a member of an unnamed church, we’ll call the Gurch of Ghrist, so as not to single anyone out. Then it is a different story.

To be honest, I don’t like the way that story ends.


2 Responses to “The Spanish Prisoner of War”

  1. sgazzetti Says:

    "…the noble white farmer’s inheritance/Captain Kidd’s treasure/Hitler’s gold…"You forgot ‘Civil War chess sets’.

  2. bridgett Says:

    I especially like it when they want to give me something in exchange for the money — you know, like the fishing rod they stole out of the back of the car they stole. I think that grifters don’t really feel they’ve put in a day’s work until they tie some sucker up on a receiving stolen goods charge.

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