Sarcastro’s Back!

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And he’s referring to himself in the third person!

 Clearly, the question that has been burning up the blogosphere, as well as the print and broadcast media, has been "Where’s Sarcastro?"  After all, how much Katrina One-Year-Later, phony JonBenet Killer, King Polygamy, War on Terror, Racially-motivated Reality Show stories can America really be interested in?

I caught all of those compelling news stories while splayed out on the living room floor.  Saturday, The Mrs. and I were cleaning out the garage in preparation for merging households.   Out of the fucking bleu, I was felled as if shot from a book depository.  Sadly, it was not even a shooter from the grassy knoll by the clubhouse and swimming pool.  It was a damn slipped disc/lower back spasm.  Readers of Exador’s sob story about his back and Knuck’s similar tale may already be familiar with this.

In fact, when my back suddenly squeezed me like I was in a vise, all I could think of was how that bastard Exador had put the hoodoo curse on me.   After beating my fist on the wall of the garage for a minute, I staggered into the house.  Once the pain subsided enough for me to think clearly, I crawled on my hands and knees up the stairs to the living room.  Then I spent the next 44 hours laying on the goddamn floor.

Sunday morning was the worst.  The pain turned excruciating and started coming in waves.  Like a woman in labor, I would get ten or fifteen seconds of respite before being seized up in unbearable spasms.  The next time some broad mouths off that we men can’t handle the pain of child birth, she’ll learn a new meaning of the phrase, "ugly encounter".

No, I didn’t go to the doctor.  I couldn’t walk until sometime Monday.  All I could do was stiffly roll or drag myself from place to place.  Peeing in a McDonald’s cup, while lying on my back,  was a chore I don’t care to repeat.  All a doctor could do is tell me to rest and prescribe a bunch of pills that I could get from friends with far less hassle.  By Wednesday, I could walk without a cane.

Big shout out to The Mrs. for nursing me back to what passes for health.  It is her job, after all. 

I did get a lot of reading done.  As well as a lot of no-premium-cable-channels daytime TV watching.   So expect more book reviews, including Barry’s Cherries.  Also, there will be an unexpected update to the Bobbie’s Dairy Dip story.

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22 Responses to “Sarcastro’s Back!”

  1. sgazzetti Says:

    "Out of the fucking bleu, I was felled as if shot from a book depository."Uhh, I believe you err, sir, and intend ‘CHEESECAKE depository’.All of your jocularity notwithstanding, I *was* beginning to wonder WTF RE: Sarcastro. Glad to have you back.Hope you’ve got plenty of Strategic Bourbon Reserves.

  2. Sarcastro Says:

    Sadly, the Strategic Bourbon Reserve was depleted recently, and Mrs. Sarcastro has instituted an War on Mixing Drugs and Booze.And by "bleu", I meant Cheese Depository.

  3. Michael Says:

    That truly does not sound like fun, man. Glad you’re feeling better.You should come by my blog (shameless blog whore moment) and check out my ranting about Star Trek…:)

  4. S&F Says:

    I can recommend my physical therapist. I don’t know if she helped, but she was cute, she rubbed my back, and made me giggle.Not to puff myself up too much, but I kept playing hockey through my back pain…albeit in a piss poor fashion.

  5. S&F Says:

    I can recommend my physical therapist. I don’t know if she helped, but she was cute, she rubbed my back, and made me giggle.Not to puff myself up too much, but I kept playing hockey through my back pain…albeit in a piss poor fashion.

  6. Ivy Says:

    I’ve been in labor without drugs, and I’ve had bad back pain, and I’ve had a kidney stone. The kidney stone was the worst, with the back pain second. A macked up back may be worse than even kidney stones, because it lasts longer.

  7. Exador Says:

    Ahh, the double-edged sword of being married to a nurse (sort of). She could get you the best drugs, but only allows them to be mixed in "medically approved" combinations.Is that the kind of attitude that made this country? I submit not.When I was felled on my driveway, I think I DID speak in tongues. I may have elocuted some ancient Hibernian deviltry that smote you and the Knucklehead.It sounds like you got the exact same thing I did. The waves of pain, interspersed with less pain, was a real yodeler.

  8. Sarcastro Says:

    Oh, I forgot the damn punchline. Mrs. Sarcastro COULD have phoned one of her doctor pals to call in a prescription pack that would have hooked me right up. Instead, she let me lay there helplessly like Jimmy Caan’s stunt double in Misery.The honeymoon is over.

  9. Shaorn Cobb Says:

    Sarcastro,First. Congrats on your merger. I hope it brings true love and happiness and most of all, a wonderful partner for life.Regarding your pains…and Ivy, too. There is a miracle worker at Vanderbilt. I suggested Brittney see her because this woman can stop a migraine in the middle of it. My statement is a first person account of that.I’ve been told I need other surgeries, but one Carmen Dawson, physical therapist at Vandy has kept me out of numerous surgeries, and I believe saved my life.What she does is called myo-facsial (sp?) release. The idea is all of our cells retain memory of trauma, and they are all connected in the tisue, and by releasing the tension in the cells and tissue, it has a ripple effect throughout the body. There’s also energy work involved. I don’t know how it works, but all I can tell you is I have 4 ruptured discs in my neck, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and now diabetes, (forget the major surgery I had last year) and not only have I avoided several other surgeries and a wheelchair because of her, but I actually have a few pain free days now and then.So go see her! The best part is, insurance does cover it with a referral from your doctor.Don’t see anyone else who does this. Carmen is not only a PT, but she has a gift; she is a true healer.Sarcastro, that may be the best present I could give you–a visit to Carmen to get out of pain!Congrats, again,Sharon

  10. SistaSmiff Says:

    Well, I, for one, have missed you. Sorry you were down in ya back. (Thats what the old folks call it) Must be all that newlywed sex thats just done worn you out.Get you some of them Michael English pills.

  11. Shaorn Cobb Says:

    Sistasmiff,It never occurred to me his back went out from newlywed sex. If that’s the case, I retract my sympathy and replace it with jealously. Heh!

  12. Katherine Coble Says:

    I am quite sorry about your back, and must add that I can’t believe someone of your intelligence didn’t go to the doctor.

  13. Sarcastro Says:

    Of all people, KC, you should know that doctors are overrated. Paying someone to tell me something I already know isn’t a sign of intelligence.Getting meds without going through the Insurance/Medical/Pharmaceutical Complex is a sign of being smarter than the system.

  14. Exador Says:

    Gee, when mine hit, I called my doctor the next morning and said, "I need to see you NOW." Two hours later, I had two shots, two prescriptions, and the pain was gone.

  15. SistaSmiff Says:

    Our Sarcastro is the manliest of men. He can take the pain.

  16. Ivy Says:

    Sharon, thanks for the tip, I’m gonna check her out, I don’t think my back will ever totally heal at this point. :/

  17. Sarcastro Says:

    Ex,Let me know how Mrs. Sarcastro was supposed to lift my massive frame off the floor and carry me to the car. Do you engineer types have a special slide rule for working out that calculation?

  18. Shaorn Cobb Says:

    Ivy,I"ll buy you dinner if she doesn’t get you out of pain. She has stopped a migraine while in progress on me. She is truly a miracle worker.You’ll find all of her patients say the same thing about her. We’re all pretty much convinced she is a real angel on earth.

  19. Exador Says:

    Sar,I can empathize with you on that. Mrs Schwartz kept threatening to call an ambulance for me. My response: "I’m not paying for a God-Damned Ambulance!"Don’t you have two boys now? Shirley, the three of them could have dragged you into a car. You have two vehicles. Tie a rope from one vehicle, through the backseat of the other vehicle, to your ankles. Then slowly drag you into the car.Shirley. Heh Heh

  20. Sarcastro Says:

    The same words passed my lips regarding the ambulance.I may have "I’m Not Paying For A Goddamn Ambulance" carved on my tombstone.

  21. Katherine Coble Says:

    "Getting meds without going through the Insurance/Medical/Pharmaceutical Complex is a sign of being smarter than the system."I clearly have to marry a nurse.

  22. Exador Says:

    I may have "I’m Not Paying For A Goddamn Ambulance" carved on my tombstone.That is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

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