Open Letter to Perry March


Dear Perry,

You glorious, wife-killin’ bastard!  What happened?

Let’s go over the elements of the crime just for kicks.  You killed Janet then disposed of the body.  That about right?  As long as you made sure there was no corpus delicti, there would always be reasonable doubt.  But you couldn’t keep your fat mouth shut, could you?

See, that’s the problem with you sociopaths.  You think you are too smart to get caught.  Let me tell you, bubbe, you almost got away with it.  The DA didn’t have a case and you knew it.  Until you started flapping your gums to every hillbilly and vacant-eyed sub moron in the jail, you were home free.

Here’s a word for you to ponder:  hubris.   The Greeks had a boatload of guys just like you.  Too smart for your own good.  The DA’s initial charge, that stealing from the law firm beef, was not going to be a problem.  Even if you did two years for it, so what?  It would have beaten the fuck out of a murder rap.

You weren’t in the hoosegow more than fifteen minutes before you started involving a bunch of questionable characters in your dumbass schemes.  Here’s a tip for next time:  The people in jail are dumb criminals.  If they had their shit together, they wouldn’t be in jail.  Also, they aren’t the most trustworthy of folks.  That’s why they are in fucking jail.

Your whole house of cards came down when you not only got The Riddler involved in your dumbass scheme to kill the Levines, but you put him in touch with the only other person who could connect you to the murder of your wife.  As a brief aside, your father hasn’t killed 300 people.  I don’t care what he told you.

So,  your tough guy dad has suddenly turned into Abe Simpson and has rolled over on you like a Suzuki Samurai.  Tough break, kid.  His testimony combined with the testimony of everyone you ran your pole smoker to about the murder has got you looking at dying in prison a very old man.  Smooth move.

Imagine if you had done the crossword puzzle, learned how to ace the Sudoku, and caught up on some reading.  You would have done your small amount of jail time on that two-bit charge and by the time the next presidential election came around, you would have been back in Mexico sipping sangria in the shade.  You would have been able to go back to fleecing gringo retirees as soon as you felt up to it.  Now, you won’t see Mexico until your ashes are scattered there, sometime during Hillary Clinton’s granddaughter’s administration.

Tough shit, my man.  You have no one left to blame but yourself, now.  Look on the bright side, at least now your kids know what happened to their mother.

See  you on Suicide Watch

Your Brother in Christ,




6 Responses to “Open Letter to Perry March”

  1. smantix Says:

    I was going to post the sexual harassment letters (in their entirety) that woman got paid $26k to drop her suit against March that were forwarded to the March’s home shortly before Janet’s disappearance but the jury came back too quick. Damn the information age.

  2. Elizabeth Says:

    *snicker* "the riddler"

  3. newscoma Says:

    "You Glorious Wife Killing Bastard."For some reason I just spewed water out my nose on that one.

  4. grandefille Says:

    This is precisely what we’ve been giggling about all weekend. (Schadenfreude has that effect on us.) We especially enjoyed the "Get Sammy UP HERE DAMMIT, I Know More Than All of You Imbeciles and … No, Wait, I’ll Look Like an Even Bigger Tool and They’ll Give Me The Chair, Never Mind" incident.Don’t you know his attorney (the one who actually did the trial work, not that smug goateed pre-trial-yakking twit) reached over and scribbled on Perry’s legal pad, "Shut up. Just SHUT your mouth. You moron."

  5. Sarcastro Says:

    That poor kid. Who knows what kind of a mind-fuck Perry put he and his sister through.The fat, greasy, goateed attorney’s job was to block Perry from the Levine’s line of sight.

  6. CeeElCee Says:

    Freakin’ brilliant! I’m torn between whether to watch Larry Brinton’s thirty minute "I told you so for a decade"-a-thon on WSMV or NewChannel5’s "All March-All August" coverage.I think you’ve given the definitive last word on the situation.

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