Who Peed in My Beer Volcano?


flanders_devil.gif Dear Religious Friends and Family,

Though I appreciate your concern for my immortal soul and whatnot, please understand that my choice to mock and avoid organized religion is not a personal reflection on you.  You are just fine by me.  You are the kind of Christian we need more of, frankly.  Unfortunately, the people sitting next to you in church are the ones I have no use for.

Look, I get that my intemperate views may land me in a burning pit,where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and  single mothers.  I’m fine with that, really.  Some of my favorite people are single mothers. 

However, the people you share fellowship with, aren’t my favorite people.   No, your co-religionists don’t have that Mind Your Own Business ethic that keeps the peace.  Hell, peace is the last thing on their minds.  Whether it is joyously anticipating the coming of End Times or keeping me from buying a bottle of fucking wine on Sunday, these bastards are all about stirring up trouble and sticking their noses where they don’t belong.  That causes conflict.

Don’t start laughing just yet, Chosen People.  You aren’t any better.  When you aren’t picking fights with your backwards-ass, nitwit cousins, you’re trying to rule the world in cahoots with the Masons.  Ok, I’m really picking on the Jews because of some bloviating Rabbi on MSNBC today.  Whilst commenting ad nauseaum about The Road Warrior’s troubles,  he said in a tone that reminds me of Kyle’s cousin, that he actually voted for one of Mr. Gibson’s films for Best Picture, as he is a member of The Academy.  What the fuck?  I know you Jews run Hollywood and all, but this takes the kugel.  The late, great Rodney Dangerfield was denied membership to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences because, according to the letter written by Cornelius from Planet of the Apes, he failed to execute "enough of the kinds of roles that allow a performer to demonstrated the mastery of his craft."  Is that a joke? This schlemiel Rabbi gets a vote and Rodney doesn’t?  With that kind of thinking, no wonder you’ve suffered for three thousand years and still believe you are God’s favorite. 

 While I’m thinking about it, the less said about your backwards ass nit-wit cousins, the better.

 Again, religious friends and family, I’m not talking about you.  I’m talking about the dumb people that you worship alongside.

For example, there’s the people who write hate mail about The Flying Spaghetti Monster. First off is Casey Powell.  He’s just full of God’s love.
Retarded people…like Bobby Henderson….will burn in hell unless you give your life to Jesus Christ.

Does this mean Corky is going to Hell, too? 

Here’s an anonymous writer who shows the value of Bible-based home schooling:
hey,u know what none cares Wat u think about God’s sense of humor,u know what u may not be christian but,there’s lot of people out there trying 2 seek God n they don’t need any info, about God by u so,i think it will b better if u stop n start acting more like a christian even if u r not .

The text messaging industry is going to have a lot to answer for. 

Seth has more issues than any one Aunt B post about a dream she had starring AC Kleinheider.
 alright man. i dont know what the heck you think you are doing. but just wait till you are standing in front of the gates of heaven. when god asks you "Why should I let you into Heaven?" what are you going to say? "let me in because i mocked you my entire pathetic life, said there was a god better than you, made of spaghetti and meatballs. let me in." right. thats the point you go to hell. you are a stupid little guy with no girlfriend, so you’re depressed. writing about your fake, gay loving man whore god. to get attention. all its gonna get you is a foot so far up your a** your gonna have ingrown toenails growin out your ears. you need to stop this stuff. all you’re doing is getting yourself closer and closer and closer. to hell. not heaven. not paradise. not getting laid. not having children. not having a penis. nothing. shut the heck up already. no one likes you..except your gay friends who believe all this stupid crap. and whoever they are.. i hope they use protection with eachother, along with you. tonight. oh by the way. i am having spaghetti and meatballs tonight u little prick. i think i will just throw it in the trash cause thats where it belongs. along with your fake whack religion and fake god. so have a nice day, and hope u have fun gettin raped by your spaghetti and meatball, FAKE god.

There are months worth of these over at the site.  What did the Flying Spaghetti Monster ever do to these people?  Oh, that’s right.  It held up a mirror to the ugly hypocrisy and dubious mythology of organized religion. 

Have a blessed day!




7 Responses to “Who Peed in My Beer Volcano?”

  1. Hyde, Hyde, the cow's outside Says:

    Mmmm, sacrilicious.

  2. Exador Says:

    Nothing shakes my head more than Christians [or any other religious person] screaming about an unproven facet of evolution, or a made up religion, as PROOF that it’s all bunk.Don’t they have some saying about noticing the "Log in your eye"?

  3. Ryan Says:

    S., This may just be the finest post I’ve read…ANYWHERE.Exceptional!Ryan

  4. Sarcastro Says:

    Thanks, Ryan. I appreciate that. Big shout out to the great Jon Jackson for the format.

  5. bridgett Says:

    My husband (atheist) burst into my office late last night ranting about hate mail against the FSM and whether ignorance breeds humorless Christianity or whether it’s the other way around.

  6. Lucifer Says:

    Can’t wait to see you. You’ll bunk with Joan Rivers.

  7. Phil Says:

    Ryan’s right! Excellent post!

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