Why Isn’t Golf More Like Wrestling?


One of the reasons we like sports has to do with the competitive nature of man.  The more personal the competition gets the more we like it.  The games that involve mutual loathing and intense rivalry bring in the most fans.  Would anyone care about the upcoming UT vs. South Carolina game if everyone wearing orange didn’t hate Steve Spurrier’s guts?  Is it a coincidence that NASCAR exploded in popularity about the same time Earnhardt fans started calling Jeff Gordon a homo?  Is anyone shocked that the most memorable and talked about part of the recent World Cup was a vicious head butt sparked by intemperate remarks about the player’s momma?

We tend not to like it when everyone is chummy and getting along.  It takes personal rancor and bitterness to connect with the paying public.  In golf, there is the Tiger vs. Phil rivalry.  Sort of.  Both put on a phony act for the public.  Both spout robotic cliches to the press.  Both despise the other.  I don’t even care why.  I’m just glad to see it.   It gives golf that added-value of hatred.  As Tom Reagan once said about reasons, "It helps to have one."

This week is the Open Championship.  Or as it is more commonly known, The British Open. The big talk has been the Nick Faldo vs. Tiger rivalry.  Nick hasn’t won in years and spends more time in a broadcast booth than he does competing for a trophy.  But, Nick had the temerity to criticize Lord Woods’ swing changes, as he was paid to make such observations.  Then the best news possible, the two would be paired for the first two rounds.

_1249291_woods300.jpgIn happier days.  Nick putting the Green Jacket on Tiger after the 1997 Masters.




Faldo has always been my favorite golfer.  Or at least since his Masters win in 1996, when Greg Norman, with a six shot lead, choked liked he ate an entire turkey.  As Norman bled strokes, Faldo capitalized and won by five strokes.

Nick’s reign as The Best Golfer in the World only lasted for 98 weeks.  Once Tiger made his mark in the ’97 Masters, the wins for Faldo, Norman and their generation became few and far between.   His three Masters and three British Open titles would have to be enough.

His personal life was a glorious train wreck.  He was a disciplined and personally aloof player who didn’t get on well with the press or other players.  But in private, he was a man with a penchant for getting divorced and winding up with women considerably younger.  One ex-girlfriend went after his Porsche with a wedge, or maybe an eight-iron. 

Now he has become an acclaimed television golf analyst,  first for ABC and now for the Golf Channel.  Things were looking up for Nick.  Until it was announced that he would be paired with Tiger for the opening round of the British Open.  Now we are talking!  Tiger’s still pissed and Faldo isn’t backing down.  This should be good.  British bookmakers are laying odds on whether there will be a fist fight on the course!  It is like a dream come true.  Golf being taken to a new level by actual brawling on the course.

Imagine my utter disappointment when this photo ran this morning


Noooo. Don’t make nice.  Make it a tension and acrimony filled round.  I had ten bucks on who would throw the first punch.  Now watching golf has to go back to being boring. 

My life is empty and meaningless. 



Hold on!  I swear I just heard Charles Nelson Reilly call Richard Dawson an "asshole" on Match Game.  Hot damn! 




4 Responses to “Why Isn’t Golf More Like Wrestling?”

  1. Exador Says:

    One of them needs to accidently hit the other one with a long drive, without yelling "Fore!"That would spark the war, or at least all the gossip. "Was it on purpose? I think so."

  2. Sarcastro Says:

    Your ignorance of sports is truly astounding. If they are playing together, they can’t hit each other with a long drive, as they are both standing on the tee box.

  3. Jagosaurus Says:

    Then one could just hit the other with a golf bag. Or, perhaps, a caddy. The unexpectedness and unwieldiness of it would be spectacular. Then it would definitely be more like wrestling.

  4. Exador Says:

    Mrs Schwartz poses this inciteful question:If they don’t like each other, why do they play together?

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