Love and Death

by

I awoke to the Beach Boys appearing on Imus this morning. More accurately, it was Mike Love and six guys who aren’t named Wilson. Man, do they sound bad. First off, they are all in their mid-sixties. The appellation "Boys" hardly applies any more. "Fun,Fun, Fun" for these guys pretty much consists of being able to have a healthy bowel movement. In fact, you can expect Metamucil to start using Beach Boys songs in their ads, any time now. I’m betting on "I’m Waiting for the Day" or "God Only Knows".

Speaking of icons with a history of drug abuse whose best days are behind them, Rush Limbaugh and his pharmacological habits have been in the news lately. Rushie decided to go on a "boys weekend" in the Dominican Republic with the crew of the show "24". He brought along a suitcase full of Viagra, and got tagged by Customs for not having a valid prescription. Given Rush’s previous misadventures at Walgreen’s, this does not constitute the meeting the standard of "smart move".

I’m not going to insuinate that there is something gay about going on a tropical vacation with a bunch of guys and some boner pills. That probably wasn’t the case. Although, it isn’t uncommon for people to find creative ways to get their OxyContin fix, Rush probably isn’t at the point where blowing the assistant director and the sound guy in order to score some Oxy is his only option. He is loaded with money, after all. He can pay someone to blow his opiate connection in order to score some hillbilly heroin.

Which brings me to my wildly outlandish theory of Rush’s trip to the beach. His connection to the crew of "24" comes from his rumored relationship with supporting-player Mary Lynn Rasjkub. She used to date the painfully liberal comedian David Cross. Evidently, her standards vary widely. Hell, if she next nails Yao Ming, Gary Coleman and The Dalai Lama, she gets to yell "Bingo!" But I digress.

There is only one place in the Dom. Repub. that I can think of where you would go with an exclusively male retinue and a bucket full of blue pills. For the defiantly straight man, that would be the Viking’s Exotic Resort. For those of you who are reticent to click that probably NSFW link, let me just say it is Fantasy Island for guys whose only fantasy is to get laid. They ship in a bunch of girls from Eastern Europe and South America and let nature and commerce take its course. The idea is so good, I wish I thought of it.

Getting back to Rush’s dilemma, I’m not saying that is where he really was, but it has to work better than the truth. The author-itays have decided not to press charges. I guess public humiliation is punishment enough. Although the speculative spectacle of Rush going to the pokey and renouncing his previous support of the War on Drugs makes me drunk with wistfulness.

Speaking of someone else who dodged a stay in the Crowbar Motel, Kenny Lay died the other day. Conspiracy theories abound how this former Titan of Industry cheated the jailer. He was looking at a theoretical life sentence as a guest of the Federal Prison System (a division of AOLTimeWarnerCartoonNetwork). One former Enron employee is already demanding an open casket to make sure the man who ruined their lives is really dead.

Kenny-Boy died of a supposed heart attack in his modest Aspen vacation home. For a guy who pled that he had a negative net worth after the fall of Enron, he sure knew how to score some primo real estate. He must have gotten one of those "Carleton Sheets No Money Down" courses from the TV informercial. All I know is, if had hundreds of millions of dollars that I had gained through illicit and questionable means, I would have had a damn get-away plan that at the very least involved faking my death and spending my remaining days anonymously on some quiet island instead of in prison. Hell, I hear they are pretty discreet at the Viking’s Exotic Resort.

Whether he is dead or not, former investors and employees of Enron now have a place to express their displeasure with the guy who steered them into a retirement full of working at Wal-Mart. You can fully expect that his family will have a tasteful and private funeral. After that, you can fully expect the nightly watering of his grave by the aforementioned former investors and employees.

On the topic of micturating on graves, the misguided do-gooders at tcask are having some terribly inappropriate memoral service for executed murderer Sedley Alley. Their memorial will hopefully be going on at the same time as the WKRN party. Nothing brings down a party like a bunch of anti-death penalty activists. Like we won’t have enough sermonizing Sociology majors there. The tcask deal starts at 7, so the beer-full bladders will gather to piss on Sedley’s grave at 8:30.

The line forms behind me.

The second item in the liberal creed, after self-righteousness, is unaccountability. Liberals have invented whole college majors— psychology, sociology, women’s studies— to prove that nothing is anybody’s fault. No one is fond of taking responsibility for his actions, but consider how much you’d have to hate free will to come up with a political platform that advocates killing unborn babies but not convicted murderers. A callous pragmatist might favor abortion and capital punishment. A devout Christian would sanction neither. But it takes years of therapy to arrive at the liberal view.   P.J. O’Rourke.

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6 Responses to “Love and Death”

  1. Exador Says:

    How anybody not-named-Beelzebub could go to that thing’s memorial service, is beyond my comprehension. My mind can’t get around that level of willful disbelief.To her LUNG, people!

  2. Exador Says:

    You may be interested to know that the blogging world is on the story:http://kenlaylives.blogspot.com/He DID fake his death!

  3. Katherine Coble Says:

    Imagine my surprise to open this blog and see that Sid Hudgins was given a guest-blogging stint.And when I start ranting about the memorial service for Sedley "Family Man" Alley this evening, force me to go buy another drink.

  4. Sarcastro Says:

    KC,I’m going to make you have several drinks tonight.

  5. Katherine Coble Says:

    That’s probably a wise plan…

  6. Huck Says:

    Sir, I will join you tonight in that pissin’ party.I may pride myself as a self-righteoous no-account liberal, but I have yet to hear a convincing argument to revoke the death penalty.Some people simply by way of a choice, however wrought, forfeit their right to live.Fuck ’em. Better yet… piss on ’em.

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