Worst Father Ever


The kids over at TV Squad have a list of the worst TV dads.

Here’s my own list of five (non-TV category):

Paul McCartney
Happy birthday, Paul.  As you have reached the fabled age of 64, come to find out you aren’t needed.   What gets you on the list as a horrible father?  Half of your children’s billion dollar inheritance is going to vanish all because you wanted to bang a one-legged woman.  Oh, and you probably made them watch Give My Regards To Broad Street.  Your kids would rather have taken a beating.

Speaking of taking a beating… 

Bing Crosby
Der Bingle had two kids who committed suicide.  His oldest wrote a book detailing what a shitty father Bing was.  Another of his offspring wound up shooting Texas oil baron J.R. Ewing.  He had it in his will that his children from his first marriage couldn’t collect on their inheritance until they made it to old age.  Only one made it to 65.  That guy was a prick to his kids from beyond the grave.

Laius King of Thebes
This guy was the father of Oedipus.  Normally, piercing your son’s ankles and leaving him to die in the wilderness because some fume-huffing seer prophesied the kid would grow up and kill you is bad enough.  What isn’t talked about in this oft referenced tale is the curse that was put upon Laius that set this whole sorry bit in motion.  Apparently, Laius kidnapped and raped a young boy.  The boy’s father as well as  the cast of Clash of the Titans put a curse on Laius.  Instead of taking some sort of responsibility, Laius tried to toss his own kid in the equivalent of an ancient Greek dumpster.  He was such an asshole that his kid grew up to kill him for being asshole in traffic without ever knowing who he was.  Oedipus, of course went on to marry his own mother, who never missed an opportunity to remark how much he reminded her of her first husband.

First off, Lot moved his family to the horniest town in Canaan because it was good for his flocks.  God wants to destroy it for wickedness, Lot is cool with the wickedness and sin as long as the sheep get plentiful water and grazing.  God sends some angels to escort Lot out of town.  The locals get wind of this and want to bugger the angels.  Because if you live in the wickedest town in Canaan, raping an angel makes you pretty cool.  Lot being a good host, offers up his virgin daughters to the men of Sodom, instead.  As most girls back then got married at thirteen, Lot was pimping his pre-teen daughters out to the neighbors.  After God destroyed Sodom and turned Lot’s wife into salt, Lot wound up escaping to safety in a cave with his daughters.  According to the Bible, the daughters got Lot drunk and jumped his bones.  Of course we don’t have the daughters’ version of what happened.  I bet that their account may be significantly different.  In either case, from those daughters we wind up with the Moabites and the Ammonites, whose nations now make up modern day Jordan.  So, Lot’s drunken daughter humping makes him ultimately responsible for this asshole.  Thanks, (a) Lot.

Mohammed bin Laden
Osama bin Laden found out early in life that it wasn’t easy being the 17th out of 54 children of a Saudi billionaire.  But upon his father’s death, the eighty million dollars he got in inheritance made up for it.  That’s good money for a thirteen year old.  Reports are sketchy, but it seems that Mohammed was a strict disciplinarian who valued religious and moral instruction for his children.  I don’t want to get into the Jan Brady theory of how middle children feel ignored, but maybe little Osama wouldn’t have felt like flying airplanes into buildings was an acceptable way of getting daddy’s attention, if he had gotten a little of Mo’s attention.  A hug from Dad might have turned Osama into Jeffy.  Or at least he would be sitting in the cave with George Glass instead of Ayman al-Zawahiri.



One Response to “Worst Father Ever”

  1. Huck Says:

    Whoo Hoo! Didn’t make the list this year. I think that calls for another beer ‘a la college fund!

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