The Night They Drove Old Dixie Beer Down

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Getting worked up about slights to one’s regional pride is something that grown-ups should try to avoid.  Damn, that’s near impossible.  Even though I don’t have a dog in the hunt, I wind up defending the SEC as the best football conference whenever the subject comes up.  It comes with the territory, I guess.  My cousins got me visibly irritated recently when they snickered at the idea of the existence of Thai restaurants in Nashville.   

Southerners (both native born and naturalized residents) wind up with a sort of inferiority complex about how the rest of the country views us as backwards shit kickers.  This chip on the shoulder manifests itself in all sorts of ways.  Randy Newman even wrote a great song about it:

Last night I saw Lester Maddox on a TV show
With some smart ass New York Jew
And the Jew laughed at Lester Maddox
And the audience laughed at Lester Maddox too
Well he may be a fool but he’s our fool
If they think they’re better than him they’re wrong
So I went to the park and I took some paper along
And that’s where I made this song

We talk real funny down here
We drink too much and we laugh too loud
We’re too dumb to make it in no Northern town
And we’re keepin’ the niggers down 

For a recent example of  Randy’s point, here’s a list of the Top 50 Places to have a beer in America.  About three of them could be considered in the South–two in Virginia and one in Georgia.  That’s it.  Are you going to tell me that there isn’t a place in Texas as good as the three beer joints listed in Massachusetts?   Brooklyn, NY gets two and there isn’t a place in Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Both Carolinas, or Kentucky where you can get a beer as good as the Guidos and Massholes serve.  Pardon me, but fuck you.

These fruity beer dorks wear me out.  Most of them exude a fussiness only seen on old Lost in Space episodes.  Here’s a sampler:

Let’s check out the Big River Review: 16th Avenue Pilsner — looked more like a Hefeweizen than a pilsner, very cloudy and not transparent at all. Tasted yeasty and had a thick mouthfeel, but lacked any esters or flavor to make up for it on the flavor scale. Had a bit of the grassy notes that you’d expect of a pilsner, but not anywhere close to what I was expecting.  Nothing like a thick mouthfeel to ruin your day, Tiffany.

Here’s another beer dork who probably didn’t play sports in high school, with a review of The Broadway Brewhouse.
The bar was tight and smoky. The men’s restroom had a toilet, two urinals and a sink (no partitions) in a room the size of a phone booth.  Oh, you poor little girl.  We have a rule at the Brewhouse, "If you have to take a dump, it is time for you to go home."

I need a beer.  Preferably a Shiner, Abita, or Sweetwater.  Time to head to the Brewhouse.

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6 Responses to “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Beer Down”

  1. Chris Wage Says:

    Sorry, but I am going to have to stand up to the review of Big River’s pilsner.I consider myself somewhat of an expert on Big River’s Pilsner, as I owe approximately 85 drunken evenings to growlers of their pilsner.It’s a fucking great beer, but it really isn’t a pilsner. It’s very yeasty and cloudy, which by definition makes it, well, not a pilsner. It’s a little weird.I realize this is all semantics, but if we don’t have semantics, what else is left? We’re arguing about nothing — NOTHING!!

  2. Chris Wage Says:

    er, stand up FOR. FOR the review.As if it wasn’t immediately obvious I have had perhaps too much beer to comment coherently on beer reviews.

  3. Sarcastro Says:

    You confuse me, sir. So you agree with the review, but stand up for Big River’s beer quality?

  4. Chris Wage Says:

    Exactly.Their review was based on categorization: "They have a pilsner that tastes nothing like a pilsner."This is undeniably true. It really does taste nothing like a pilsner — I have no earthly idea why they call it one. But this is not important for someone looking to ascertain whether or not it’s a good beer — and it most certainly is that. It’s awesome.It’s an issue of connoisseurship versus quality. You can review one, or the other, or both. They obviously chose to review based on the connoisseur angle. I agree with it, but it wouldn’t stop me from drinking gallons of it at a time. It certainly hasn’t in the past.

  5. Sarcastro Says:

    Chris, did you read the beer snob guy’s review of the rest of the beers? Not good according to his ultra-refined palate.I’ve always liked Big River’s beer. Lance Roy does a damn fine job as the Head Brewer, despite what dude says.

  6. Chris Wage Says:

    No, I passed out shortly afterwards. But I’ve read it now. Seems like he just had a bad experience. Big River’s beer is great. I could use one now. Instead, I am working.

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