All You Need Is Cash

by

or, How To Get Your Ass Kicked By A One-Legged Woman

Paul, ol’ buddy, we go way back.  I won’t embarass you with how long I’ve followed your career and purchased your music, both good and bad.  You didn’t ask my advice about marrying that girl and I wasn’t about to offer any.  Here’s the harsh truth no one wanted to tell you, We All Knew This Would Happen.  Look, even people who don’t know The Beatles from Herman’s Hermits knew that marrying a woman 25 years your junior was a sketchy idea.

Never mind that your kids hated her.

Never mind that in comparison, Yoko was shy and demure. 

Never mind that she was the kind of girl who would take off her fake leg on Larry King and brag about fucking her boyfriend in her hospital bed.

Never mind that "model-turned-landmine activist" is PR code for "shallow and vain gold digger trying to rehab her image" .

Never mind that she wouldn’t learn the synth part to "(Simply Having) Wonderful Christmastime." 

Never mind that she always looked like she wanted to unhinge her jaw and swallow you whole

Never mind that you are the richest man in England, ok not really the richest, but you got more than Ringo.  Let’s leave it at that. 

Never mind that she liked Bon Jovi better than the Beatles.  Who the fuck would marry a woman who likes Bon Jovi?  Even Heather Locklear doesn’t listen to Bon Jovi.  Hey, her name is Heather too, she is newly single, she has two legs, she has some money of her own and she likes musicians.  You need to hop on that deal, my man. 

Even given all of that, you are claiming it was the Media who split you up.  Who came up with that crazy shit?  Bill O’Reilly?  Buddy, you have been a Media Whore since I was in diapers.  In that aspect, you and Heather were made for each other.   

mccartneysseal_wideweb__470x3550.jpg" One of these creatures will be clubbed in the head for its prized pelt and the other is being protected by PETA."

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3 Responses to “All You Need Is Cash”

  1. Katherine Coble Says:

    The fact that he didn’t make her sign a prenup cracks me up. Too much ganja, McCartney.

  2. newscoma Says:

    When I saw Ms. Soon-To-Be-Ex-Wife of a Beatle on Larry King showing her designer leg off, I wanted to find some cyanide to drink immediately. It was too surreal for the five brain cells I have left in my head.

  3. CeeElCee Says:

    You have made my Friday. Of course, my coworkers think I’ve finally gone nuts because of the giggling coming out of my office."Unhinge her jaw." Genius.

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