Get Off My Yard


One of the cornerstones of my hyphenated-American culture is working in the yard. Nothing exemplifies how the Evil Honky loves to get back to nature, like making the grass grow. The sense of pride we get from having a nice yard is akin to the pride other ethnic groups feel when adding $6000 worth of accessories to a $2000 car.

Is anyone except cranky white guys excited about McCabe Golf Course switching from Bermuda greens and Bermuda fairways to bent grass? The recently completed renovation included rebuilding existing tees and adding some new tees. A double row irrigation system was also installed. If there is anything that you could get the West Nashville landed gentry to march on the Capitol about, it would be improving the condition of this golf course. Your tax dollars were put to good use so that middle aged men could walk up to me and say almost hypnotically, "It’s like a country club, it’s so beautiful."

That is how worked up we get about the grass growing. So, when Exador roto-tilled his weed patch to plant new grass, it was a perfect example of how important a nice yard is to reinforcing traditional American values. Normally, you have to pass a law keeping certain people from marrying to make such courageous stand for our "shared values". Check out his progress here.

On the other end of the spectrum is my yard. Foolishly, last fall I overseeded with winter rye and fertilized. When I say "I" did it, that means I paid my neighbor to do it. Keeping the economy of my multi-cultural, multi-racial West Nashville neighborhood running is an intregal part of being able to look the little children in the eye every evening.

Now my yard is as thick as the unharvested rain forest. That’s a jungle for those of you who don’t listen to NPR. With all the damn rain and cool temperatures, this fucking grass needs to be cut twice a week. My lawn care advisor neighbor told me he might want to overseed the yard with fescue because the winter rye will die and turn brown out once it gets hot. All I could think was "Thank Christ. Let it die like Terri Schiavo." I told him not to worry about it. He has an evil hidden agenda to try to wheedle me into getting so sick of mowing, that I will pay him to do it. That’s why he launched the Project Genesis on my yard in the first place–Economic self interest. By mowing twice a week now, he can gouge me twice as much money for yard work. What he didn’t plan for is that I would be too broke to require his services this year.

Here’s the mighty jungle. Be careful what you wish for, Exador.
grass 3.jpg


16 Responses to “Get Off My Yard”

  1. Exador Says:

    It appears that your stupid, redneck neighbor is an evil genius entrepreneur.He may put fall traps in your yard to incapacitate you.Beware!

  2. Sarcastro Says:

    There is no doubt to his hillbilly pedigree, but don’t mistake his Lynyrd Skynyrdian-simple man persona for stupidity. He is an evil genius.Did you note how that time he told be about his boys being out on bail for crack smokin’ and home invadin’, we made a bee line for the gun show? He wanted me out of the house so he could spray weed and feed without my knowledge. His desire to get $35 per week from me knows neither decency or shame.

  3. Tara Says:

    He’s good……lol, glad to see it looking so good!!

  4. Chris Wage Says:

    "The sense of pride we get from having a nice yard is akin to the pride other ethnic groups feel when adding $6000 worth of accessories to a $2000 car."Since when is this an ethnic thing?

  5. Sarcastro Says:

    Oh, Wagey. Do you mean to say that people who upgrade their vehicles with thousands of dollars worth of aftermarket upgrades don’t belong to an ethnic group?

  6. Chris Wage Says:

    I’m saying that ricing out a car is not an ethnic phenomenon.

  7. Sarcastro Says:

    I find that word offensive, CW. Where do you think the term "ricing" comes from, you gaijin dog? Although I wasn’t referring to only that particular form of auto-upgrades.So are you saying people of all ethnic backgrounds trick their cars out? Then it would, in fact, be an ethnic phenomenon, just not one confined to a single ethnicity.

  8. Chris Wage Says:

    The term "ricing" comes from the predilection for japanese cars, not japanese people. The association of rice with Japanese people vis-a-vis the cars is marginally racist, but I’m willing to live with this.Uh, so .. I forgot what we were talking about.Oh yeah:"So are you saying people of all ethnic backgrounds trick their cars out?"Yeah."Then it would, in fact, be an ethnic phenomenon, just not one confined to a single ethnicity."What?

  9. Sarcastro Says:

    What? Japanese people eat rice? There is no place in civil discourse for that sort of racial profiling and stereotyping!There are different ways of tricking out cars than just your unfortunate "ricing". Different ethnicities have different preferences in pimping their rides. Some groups like the Caprice Classic with 26" rims. Others lean towards a pick-up with excessive bells and whistles. Some like the ’55 Chevy with a lift kit. Life may not be accurately reflected in the Fast and Furious movies. Sorry.

  10. saraclark Says:

    It’s time to dock your yard guy. I see a perfectly evil Dogtooth Violet leaf front and center in your picture. If he had really weeded and feeded those would be dead. Beware, he’s right about your grass, when the temps hit 90 and it stops raining it will all die.But for the next month it will be unusually cool and wet around here. Luxurate to your heart’s content.

  11. tutularue Says:

    Actually, I believe that is viola papilionacea in the foreground. It cannot be killed with weed and feed. They must be dug one by one, missing not a bit of root, or very carefully hit with Roundup on a paintbrush. If it is an overall lush look you’re after, you have succeeded.

  12. tutularue Says:

    Of course the rye will dye.

  13. Chris Wage Says:

    "The sense of pride we get from having a nice yard is akin to the pride other ethnic groups feel when adding $6000 worth of accessories to a $2000 car."Implication: "other ethnic groups" add $6000 worth of accessories to a $2000 car; evil honkies don’t.I never questioned the manifestations of cultural identity in their automobile enhancement preferences. I am merely objecting to the implication that white people don’t waste money on dumb cars.

  14. W Says:

    Not a single beer bottle or wayward girl in view. Impressive. Did you clean special for the picture, or was it just after a high wind?

  15. Exador Says:

    W,I’m sure that’s just a pie-shaped wedge of clean. Note the camera angle.I’m sure there’s a passed out, barely legal girl laying face down just out of frame.Either that, or she was holding the camera and it went off when her head hit the ground.

  16. Sarcastro Says:

    Chris, I never said white folks don’t dummy up their cars. That was just your knee-jerk reaction playing a trick on you.

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