Two Can Play At This Game


I’m back from Tucson.  More about that once the jetlag subsides.

Southern Arizona is one of the flash points in this whole immigration debate.  People who snivel about illegals in Tennessee haven’t seen a goddamn thing until they’ve been to Cochise or Pima County.   There’s a whole branch of my family that are naturalized US citizens.  They waited their turn like, you know, law-abiding Americans, to get their citizenship.  The ironic part, of course, is they live in Tucson.  Well one of them does, but for the purposes of this rant, they all do.

One of the things I noticed at the airport today was that there was no shortage of people of Hispanic origin either working for the Big Gringo or taking a trip in one of Big Gringo’s airplanes.  For the purposes of this rant, I don’t mean to besmirch them or their laudable work ethic.

If history is to tell us anything, it should be the effectiveness of strength in numbers.  The more people you have backing your play, usually the more successful your results.  Just ask Custer, or better yet ask Sitting Bull.   Many folks this week have been invoking the Alamo.  That happens to be a great example.  Unfortunately for the amigos, they aren’t on the side of Santa Ana this time.  Yep, all the protestors today might as well be wearing coonskin caps.

I know I’m not the first one to call for this, but let’s make Cinco de Mayo the day to boycott all things Latino.  Don’t misunderstand me.  I like the amigos.  I appreciate their work ethic, dedication to family, culture, language, cuisine and most importantly, their contributions to the brewing and distilling sciences.  This isn’t about cultural supremacy or any hysterical fears about how our Great White Nation is being over run by dirty little brown people.  It is about making clear who is running the show.  Just like you make it clear to the dog not to jump up on the furniture.  Sure, my dog gets away with that, but for the purposes of this rant, let’s say she doesn’t. 

Latino businesses, especially the restaurants, depend on big sales for Cinco de Mayo.  Now that the booze marketers have successfully transformed it into Mexican St. Patrick’s Day, pouring tequila and cervezas on the Fifth of May is big business.   Let’s show the purchasing power of 250+ million consumers this coming Friday.  Get to an Irish pub and hoist a Guinness and a wee dram, or a Harp and a Cosmopolitan, for you pussies.

That brings me to the fatal flaw in this plan.  Most of you fuckers are dimwitted lemmings.  Not you, the person reading this, you are clearly an educated person with refined and discriminating tastes.  But c’mon.  Your friends and co-workers are dumbasses, aren’t they?  They’re the kind of people who think Vince Young was a good draft choice for the Titans.  If Vince is reading this, for the purposes of this rant, we’re going to pretend that you are a colossal waste of a first round pick.  Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.  Unless of course, you turn out to be a colossal waste of a first round pick.

Point being, it is up to you, the well informed and bright reader, to convince your idiot acquaintances to not go out for "nachos and margaritas" on Friday.  That means the dumb chick in your office, who still wears her sorority stuff ten years after college.  She’s usually very perky and thinks that Baja Fresh is authentic Mexican food.  She needs a talking to.  So does her male counterpart.  This is the guy who bases his wardrobe on what he sees celebrities wear on TV.  Today, he is going for the Nick Lachey look.  In ’86, he wore a white linen suit with the sleeves scrunched up over a salmon shirt.  Yeah, that guy.  Grab him by the Croakies and inform him that his idea of fun would be better served by trying some sake at a sushi joint.  Tell him that’s what George Clooney would do. 

So what will happen?  I don’t really know.  Maybe it will help the gringos and amigos to realize that we have a symbiotic relationship going on here.  Maybe they will realize that pissing and moaning about having to follow the law isn’t going to win them a lot of converts.  Maybe they will get that their current course of action has the potential to unleash some pent up anti-immigration hostility.   And maybe, just maybe, the so-called leaders of the Revolucion will realize they are bluffing with a bad hand.  A Day Without A Mexican is just a movie.  Not that good of one, I might add.  If you want to frame this debate by bringing up movies, try Bring Me The Head of Alfredo Garcia.   Or Alien Nation.

Of course, the best outcome of a giant boycott on Cinco de Mayo is that I would be able to get a table at a Mexican restaurant for dinner.  Of course, I won’t patronize any Hispanic business that day, but for the purposes of this rant, it seemed funny. 


3 Responses to “Two Can Play At This Game”

  1. Mac Says:

    Some comments:"Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia" is a great flick.Vince Young will be the most expensive wideout Tennessee ever drafted, and he won’t even be as good as their other wideout/quarterback Drew Bennett. (The Texas offense,at times, seemed to just be ‘outrun the guy in front of you’)And… uhh, I’m out of points.

  2. Katherine Coble Says:

    I will gladly join in the Cinco de Mayo boycott with you. Not that I was going to celebrate it, but for the purposes of this comment, let’s say that I was.

  3. Nashville Knucklehead Says:

    Has anyone checked Vince Young’s National Identity Papers? He could be an undocumented Mexican, and not be allowed to play, unless Bud Adams pays him under the table, which, of course, he would never do, because that kind of thing doesn’t happen in Houston.And what about all those big linemen with all the apostrophes in their names. Are they from the Samoa we claimed as our own a while back (making them Americans) or some other Samoa we don’t know about?

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