Miss Tessmacher!


luthor.jpg I have a plan for solving this Iran nuclear showdown.  It is brilliant in its simplicity.  We need to stop the ability and means of the Iranian government from enriching any more uranium.  A regime full of religious nuts holding a grab bag of home made nukes isn’t in anyone’s best interest.  Our problem is, short of dropping nukes of our own on the Iranian facilities, or staging some commando raid straight out of a Tom Clancy video game, there isn’t a lot we can do.

The nuclear option will make us look like bigger assholes than we already are.  Nothing like the deaths of millions to turn world opinion against you.   Although, a surgical strike destroying the facility and all who are in it would be a small price to pay in the eyes of history.    The problem with that is they expect us to do just that.  Then it would turn out they were bluffing, and were using the top secret underground bunker for baby milk production.  Boy, would we look silly then.

The commando raid going in and destroying the facility brings up the ugly memories of Operation Eagle Claw.  We can’t afford for another FUBAR mission to fail as the eyes of the world are watching.

So, what else do we have?  Too many of our troops are committed in Iraq to make any sort of invasion a credible threat.  This almost exhausts our military options.  Except one.

Lucky for us, and unlucky for the Persians, they are sitting on some of the most geologically unstable land this side of San Andreas.  Hell, they just had a nasty earthquake a few weeks ago.  About every ten years they catch a big one that kills tens of thousands.

The uranium enrichment facilities are situated right smack-dab in the middle of  Earthquake Country.   So we drop a couple of megatons on the fault line, in an area far from any population centers.  Massive earthquakes rock the region.  The underground Iranian nuke facilities get buried under tons of rubble and debris.  The atoms of destruction are safely contained inside along with the now oxygen depleted brain trust who created them.  You can thank the Iranian construction industry whose use of substandard materials, indifferent supervision and typical Islamic fatalism for making every building in the whole country a death-trap.

Here’s the bonus, because we don’t drop the nuke on any population centers, no one can prove that we did it.  Anyone who saw the flash would either be vaporized or catch some nasty radiation poisoning and be dead before they could spill the beans to the international press.  The Iranians would have their hands so full with digging themselves out from under the earthquake, they wouldn’t have time to investigate the cause of the temblors and the resulting after shocks. 

By the time they get to the nuke labs, our boys have already made sure that nothing is getting in our out of their impregnable stronghold.   The current regime would fall, the more liberal and reform minded politicians would come to power.  We would be there to help them, now that they are no longer a threat.  We would be greeted as liberators, and would be warmly welcomed as we helped shape the new Iran more to our liking.

Lex Luthor: Now, call me foolish, call me irresponsible, it occurs to me that a 500 megaton bomb planted at just the proper point would, uh…
Superman: Would destroy most of Iran. Millions of innocent people would be killed. And the Middle East as we know it would-…
Lex Luthor: Fall into the sea.
Lex Luthor: [Gives a little wave with his hand] Bye-bye, Iran. Hello, New Persia. My Persia.
 Lex Luthor: Costa Del Lex. Luthorville. Marina del Lex. Otisburg… Otisburg?
Otis: Miss Tessmacher, she’s got her own place.
Lex Luthor: Otisburg?
Otis: It’s a little bitty place.
Lex Luthor: [Angrily] Otisburg?
Otis: Okay, I’ll just wipe it off, that’s all. Just a little town.
[Erases Otisburg]


6 Responses to “Miss Tessmacher!”

  1. Exador Says:

    I like the idea. I suggest we buy one of those Russian black-market-nukes we’ve been so worried about, to do the job.Putin’s been playing both sides against the middle for too long.

  2. Katherine Coble Says:

    I guess that’s Gene Hackman, but doesn’t he look for all the world like Robin Williams in that picture? Thanks to the uncanny resemblence I spent a vast amount of time wondering what the hell Robin "I’m not technically gay" Williams had to do with Superman.

  3. Sarcastro Says:

    He was Chris Reeve’s roomate at Julliard.

  4. Katherine Coble Says:

    That’s right. I knew that. I remember when Reeve took the spill of the horse and was paralised in the hospital the media kept gushing over how kind it was for Robin Williams to go to his hospital room and entertain him for hours on end.I never felt sorrier for Reeve than I did when reading that.

  5. Peptodismal Says:

    Hey, we got blamed for the Tsunami, so might as well try it for real. Perhaps NASA could nudge an asteroid their way as a congratulatory gift on the occasion of their uranium enrichment — they love space rocks.

  6. isis solar Says:

    isis solar…

    Miss Tessmacher! « Watching The Defectives…

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