The Dirty South


Despite what Charlotte Burks would have us believe, there are bigger problems than selling adult novelties.  By problems I mean freaky and illegal sex practices that are rampant in the neighboring states.  On the topic of Burks, someone needs to go beat the mortal piss out of Byron "Low Tax" Looper for coming up with the brain storm idea that wound up putting her in office.  He is as responsible for the dumb shit that comes out of her mouth and into possible law the same way James Earl Ray is responsible for us getting a three day weekend in January.

Overall, the gubmint shouldn’t be sticking its nose into what consenting adults do behind closed doors.  Except in the following cases.

According to Reuters, Atlanta has become the hub of sex tourism*.  With Delta going down the crapper faster than a burrito dinner, it is good to hear that at least Atlanta is a hub of something other than gridlocked traffic and race baiting politicians.  

 Now, Atlanta has always been a Mecca for strip club aficiandos and ex-SEC cheerleaders looking to break into the seamier side of show business.  But this  pimping out of teenagers goes beyond even the nod and wink standards of The City Too Busy To Hate.

"Fallen pompon girls and ex-cheerleaders from Auburn, ‘Bama, and even Ole Miss come to Atlanta to “get into show business,” and those who take the wrong fork wind up being fucked, chewed, and beaten for $100 a day in front of hand-held movie cameras. Donkeys and wolves are $30 extra, and the going rate for gang-bangs is $10 a head, plus “the rate."  Connoisseurs of porno-films say you can tell at a glance which ones were made in Atlanta, because of the beautiful girls.  There is nowhere else in America where a fuck-flick producer can hire last year’s Sweetheart of Sigma Chi to take on twelve Georgia-style Hell’s Angels for $220 and lunch."      Hunter S. Thompson.  Fear and Loathing:  On the Campaign Trail ’72.

Those were the days, eh?  Now they’re pimping out runaways to perverts and holding the Player’s Ball to elect Pimp of The Year.  How very progressive. 

Asheville, North Carolina is attracting a different sort of tourist.  That would be the sort who want their balls cut off.  The headline in today’s Asheville Citizen-Times says it all for me:  Castration Case Takes Yet Another Odd Twist.      I believe the Odd Twist is a technique used by ranchers when turning bulls into steers.  The best quote  comes from the DA, who says, that a case of castration without malice is extremely rare.  No shit, Jack McCoy.  A case for pro-castration could be made after seeing the mug shots of these freaks.  If anything they should be castrated to keep that much ugly from being passed on to future generations.

From a strictly libertarian perspective, I don’t have any problem with these losers mutilating themselves.  As mentioned there is the side benefit of they won’t be able to make any congenitally insane little weirdos.  But, here is the problem:  Say for instance, Fruity McNonads  gets an infection from the scapel that Dr. Frank N. Furter is keeping in the Maxwell House can.  Who is going to pay for his medical treatment?  This may be an unfair assumption, but if you are getting neutered in someone’s basement for kicks, you probably aren’t staying on top of paying those BlueCross premiums.  So the taxpayer gets stuck with the tab for this dumb eunuch.  Just like the taxpayer’s in Georgia are getting stuck with the care and feeding of the runaway children who are pressed into the sex slave racket.  The shitty parents aren’t coughing up money for Brittany to get off the meth when they are the ones who either ran her out of the house or flat out sold her out for a carton of smokes and a twelve pack of Natty Light.

Here’s my helpful solution to all of these issues: 

Make prostitution legal.  Tax it.  Have it regulated to protect the health of the public and the worker.  Come down on the evil pricks pimping out kiddies with extreme prejudice and excessive violence.

Get rid of the Victorian laws regarding strip clubs in Nashville.  Police the actual crimes.  Not the ones your preacher told you were "sinful".  Plus, we are losing valuable dollars to Atlanta titty bars.   Keep jobs from going overseas.  Or in this case over state lines.

We can save long term tax dollars by opening up sterilization clinics.  Think of the money we can sock away by offering elective surgery to anyone who doesn’t want to have a child or feels their testicles keep them from running the high hurdles.  Or whatever the screwy reasoning is.  Hell offer men $500 to get their vases sectomied.  The crackheads will leap at that deal.  Offer it for the women too.  Soon no more crack babies.  Problem solved.

If only someone would show Charlotte Burks how to use that rabbit thingy, we could get some shit accomplished! **

 *Via Knox News

**Yeah, I know she withdrew the bill.  So what?


6 Responses to “The Dirty South”

  1. sgazzetti Says:

    Your take on civil liberties really snips my vas.

  2. Sarcastro Says:

    I would rather snip your vas, than bust your yolk.

  3. Katherine Coble Says:

    "taxpayer’s"You need to castrate your apostrophes. —-Other than that, I am in full agreement with your solutions. But you know five minutes after we open these sterilisation clinics, some crackhead sans her ovaries is going to get cleaned up, decide that she wants her very own little Tiffni and sue the state for chopping her while she was "under the influence."

  4. Sarcastro Says:

    I’d rather have an apostrophe and not need it, than need one and not have it.

  5. Katherine Coble Says:

    Extraneous apostrophes don’t kill people, grammar nuts who see them kill people.

  6. saraclark Says:

    Man, I miss Hunter S. Thompson.

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