A Modest Proposal For The Purpose Driven Parent

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Frequent Defective Watcher, Steve from Atlanta, shares some of his thoughts about the challenges that faces those who choose to be childless in a sea full of suburbanite parents. Enjoy.

Here is my 5 point plan for dealing with children. Children are defined as anyone below the age of 12.

1. There should be a mandatory curfew for children. They should only be allowed in public from 3-5pm Monday-Friday; and 11am -6pm on the weekend. While they are in public, the parents are responsible for having some way to entertain them. A portable DVD player with earphones is great. Any clear plastic bag is an economical alternative. Don’t give your child a noisy handheld video game: it’s like handing the child a drum or a fistful of fireworks. While, I have no problem with you giving your child a fistful of fireworks, I just ask that you do it at home.

2. One child is allowed in public per adult supervisor. No more field trips. No more haggard-looking women towing five screaming kids through the mall. If you’re pregnant that counts as your one kid.

3. Children are not allowed in movie theatres or restaurants. The only exceptions being themed restaurants, fast food joints, G-rated movies, or anything with Sandra Bullock.

4. Children in public need to be drugged to make them quiet and compliant. Parents who do not want to drug their children must physically restrain them. They need to be muzzled, and strapped down to handcarts; sort of like how they used to wheel Hannibal Lecter around in, "Silence of the Lambs".

5. Children not restrained (see above) will be equipped with leashes and shock collars. The controls for the shock collars will be publicly available. Anyone seeing a misbehaving child will have the ability to activate the shock collars.Parents and children unwilling to follow these rules will be sent to labor camps where they will build shock collars and handcarts. The other option for parents who don’t want to follow these rules is to leave their children at home when they go out. That’s why God made TV and books of matches.

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3 Responses to “A Modest Proposal For The Purpose Driven Parent”

  1. quixote Says:

    My partner and I have a theory that because we have no children, the Universe evens the score by surrounding us with kid-rich families in restaurants. I’m not sure why kids go to restaurants. They don’t seem to eat. They climb the seats. They chew, but then decide to do other things than swallow. When they get really bored, they tour the other tables and watch other people chew. Possibly, they’re studying techniques. As you say. Shock collars. The only solution.

  2. Steve Riley Says:

    I’ve had several people ask me how the shock collar controls will select the misbehaving child. To this I respond that they will and should shock every kid within the effective range. You’d be amazed at how much more effective they become when all of little Camden’s peers teach him a playground lesson because they were getting zapped all over the mall because of his behavior.The more you know….

  3. asdf Says:

    I’ve read this before somewhere else.

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