Oh, The Pain…


…Or How Peter Jennings Died For My Sins

Ol’ Pete Jennings is dead and I don’t feel too good myself.   Last night on the Countdown,
Keith Olbermann gave an extremely touching sendoff to the late ABC
anchorman.  Then at the end of the show, he launched into a
unusually self- revealing rant
about the dangers of tobacco.  Normally I snicker at such petty
attempts to influence me to live a healthier lifestyle.  But this
one was pretty poignant.  Keith revealed that he had a tumor
removed from his mouth last week and had been throwing up blood in the
aftermath.  His point was abundantly clear.  You don’t want
to be sitting around waiting to find out you have cancer, throwing up
blood, and quit smoking all the same week.

I can dig it Keith!  This actually has a minor bit of relevance to
my own situation right now.  Except for the Big C and throwing up
blood part.  To set up the story, let me just say I’ve been
watching too much Food Network programming.   I want to cook some cool stuff, but I resent the ubiquitous presence of Emeril in my life.  So I have been watching the evil leprechaun Bobby Flay’s
numerous programs.  He has like six damn shows on that
network.  Plus, he is concentrated evil.  So I downloads me
some rec-i-pies off the durn internet with which he has shown that
anybody with an opposable thumb can recreate.   Cut to Sunday
evening as I’m firing up the grill to make some sort of wings with too
many ingredients.  As I walk up the steps to the back porch I trip
and come crashing down onto the bricks trying to hold the up empty
plate and tongs from ruin.  Apparently when I collided with the
immovable object (porch), my right leg was full extended, and upon
impact my foot remained still.  Thus, my calf muscle snapped like
an over-tuned guitar string.  BOING!!!  After trying to heal
it through alternative, holistic, non-Western means (elevate the leg,
watch TV, drink liquor), I finally went to see some actual medical
personnel for this deal.  Apparently my non-traditional treatment
is perfectly acceptable as long as it is accompanied by
anti-inflammatories, painkillers, and a $30 co-pay.  Most
Excellent!  An unfortunate side effect of this treatment is being
bored to tears.  So I’m smoking a lot more.  Smoking for
boredom’s sake.  Then KO comes on TV to talk about Peter Jennings
taking the night train to the Big Adios.  The moment of clarity
comes.  I have to stop smoking immediately. 

The upshot is no, this isn’t as bad as having cancer and trying
to quit smoking.  But let’s add to the mix, the smoking, the torn
tendon in the calf, and busting up with my live-in girlfriend of two
years (as much as I’d like to blame Bobby Flay for that, I would like
to blame Contessa Brewer for it more) all at the same time.  I am going to be a cranky, cane-waving bastard for the foreseeable future. 

So no smokes, no walking without a cane, and no girlfriend.  It could be worse I could be one of these guys.


70 Responses to “Oh, The Pain…”

  1. Katherine Coble Says:

    Well that roundly sucks.Hope the painkillers are good.

  2. Michael Says:

    Use the cranky, you’ll be happier without the smokes, eventually.Health and happiness to ya!

  3. Aunt B. Says:

    Wow, that really sucks. The only bit of silver lining is that you have an injury usually reserved for professional wrestlers.Okay, maybe that’s only a silver lining for someone like me, who longs to just once leap from the top ropes.Sorry.

  4. smantix Says:

    Fucking A.Did the girlfriend leave before or after the fall?

  5. Ms. Anthrope Says:

    I was on the edge of my seat while reading the account of your fall, but I was expecting you to say that the tongs and chicken wings had lodged themselves into your cranium in some extremly delicate area and that they could not be surgically removed. I had visions of an interesting chicken wing-tong-Borg — what a let down. Remember, 90% of all accidents happen in the home. Don’t (you can’t) run with scissors. Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it has been. Be a good do bee, not a don’t bee and get well soon — Grace.

  6. Steve Riley Says:

    Let’s see, Sean, cranky, waving a cane and cursing at the wipper snappers in the neighborhood. It’s like I’ve been transported 30 years into the future!Personally, I think Bobby put an Irish Hex on you.

  7. Kristine Says:

    Well if you’re already planning on eating hot wings, you may as well smoke it up and cough blood out both ends. You only live once, man.

  8. Sarcastro Says:

    Thanks to all for the well-wishing.The girlfriend left a couple of days before the fall.And the no-smoking lasted about 36 hours. Once I hobbled onto the jobsite on 5th Ave., the realization that the only way to survive the day was through a nicotine induced calm. So a graduated withdrawal program is going to be instituted.Get off my lawn, you damn kids!

  9. Tina B. Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about all of this. Sorry about your girlfriend up and taking off, sorry about the pain in your leg, sorry you can’t quit smoking…it’ll at work itself out and everything will be grand in a few weeks. Until then, go back to drinking hard liquor–It’ll make the time pass quicker! LOL1Thinking of you! {{hugs}}

  10. Steve Riley Says:

    It’s definitely Bobby Flay. Few know that the Luck O’ the Irish can be used as a weapon.He knows when you’ve been eating.He knows when you bake.He knows if you’ve had fat or food,so eat food, for goodness sake.

  11. smantix Says:

    Well, that still sucks about the girlfriend.A cursory examination of Sarcastro’s commenters indicates that he’s getting more than just the sausagefest vote in readership.I think it would only be right for one of the ladies to get some hot “Meals On Wheels” action going on.

  12. Peptodismal Says:

    Get the gimp.

  13. Tara Says:

    I just have to set the record straight, I’m “the girlfrient” and I did not just up and leave, I was more or less invited to leave.

  14. Tara Says:

    girlfriend rather

  15. Frank Says:

    “..invited to leave” What a great way of saying dumped!Sorry, I don’t know the background or the history, don’t care to either. I just like the line.

  16. Sarcastro Says:

    I’m currently hobbling around the jobsite (more on that later) without the aid of my “old man stick”.”Invited to leave” is a phrase I used to describe when my ex-wife told me my presence was no longer required in our conjugal home. Tara has packed up that phrase with much of her clothes. And no we didn’t break up due to spelling differences.

  17. Steve Riley Says:

    Or did you?

  18. Tara Says:


  19. Rex L. Camino Says:


  20. Katherine Coble Says:

    Hands down, this is by far the most interesting comments section to any post this year.

  21. Sarcastro Says:

    Hell hath no fury…

  22. Rex L. Camino Says:

    Indeed. Hang in there, Sarcastro.

  23. Tara Says:

    Wow, this is becoming very interesting. I was asked to leave, he gets all the sympathy! How exactly does that work??

  24. Tara Says:

    Wow, this is becoming very interesting. I was asked to leave, he gets all the sympathy! How exactly does that work??

  25. Aunt B. Says:

    Why do people not see Holden Caulfield for the whiney self-absorbed over-priviledged brat he is? We empathize with the person telling the story, whether he deserves it or not.And that, folks, is why I’m totally digging these comments. You’ve got angst, romance, poetry, and awesome POV issues.Can it get any better?

  26. Sarcastro Says:

    You were asked to leave because your behavior made it clear to me that you didn’t want to be here.It was a difficult thing to do to invite you to leave, but you left me no real choice.

  27. Tara Says:

    Well isn’t it odd how things work, I’ve been there for the past 3 days straight, pretty much all day. If that doesn’t state the obvious, I don’t know what does. It could have taken me a lot less time to wash ALL those clothes, but I chose to take my time.

  28. Rex L. Camino Says:

    I feel as if I am intruding, yet I cannot look away.

  29. Tara Says:

    No need to look away!!

  30. Kelli Says:

    Ok so let me understand this… You “invited” her to leave which she did, BUT now she has stayed the “last 3 days.” Does that mean she “invited” herself back in?

  31. Steve Riley Says:

    I think to maintain the pattern, she would be….Kicked out back into the house?Expelled into the house?Dumped into the laundry room?

  32. Tara Says:

    Does any of this sound familiar Steven?? I’m just gonna come down there, how about it?

  33. Katherine Coble Says:

    You guys got TV beat hands down.

  34. Aunt B. Says:

    Tara, you do laundry?! Shoot, I’ve got a cute, single brother who leaves his laundry all over my downstairs. And he doesn’t have a blog. You can come over and do his laundry any time.He’s young and he doesn’t watch the Food Network at all. I promise.

  35. Kelli Says:


  36. Steve Riley Says:

    Tara,While my house has been a bit empty lately, I could never have you come down without Sean’s blessing and I KNOW HE WOULD NEVER GIVE HIS BLESSING.I just love the guy too much to sully our friendship.

  37. smantix Says:

    Two years is a fairly decent investment of your life to spend on anybody. Me and the lovely Mrs. Smantix, who many of you may already know as “that poor woman”, threw the Hefty Bag of our love in the shitcan and left it on the curb on more than a few occasions.Artisan relationship hardball demands a stringent “fuck your laundry” policy. Waffling on that issue means something.

  38. Tara Says:

    Steven, I respect that!!! =)Aunt B., I would only do that for Sean!Sean, Why so quiet all of a sudden?

  39. Sarcastro Says:

    Per our agreement, I am refraining from saying anything shitty. Refraining with all my might.However, laying in the bed for fourteen hours shouldn’t be considered part of the laundry process. Is coming over to wash your clothes some sort of Oprah-code for something that we males aren’t privvy to?

  40. Tara Says:

    Didn’t hold back very well did you? I was talking about Sunday, not Friday or Saturday! Don’t turn this into something that is doesn’t need to be.

  41. Amanda Says:

    Well isn’t this the manly way to talk things over. You had to do it in public and humilate your ex in a manor that she doesn’t deserve, instead of being a man and do it one on one. What a pitiful little man. I feel sorry for you, and not in a good way. Sorry you are hurt dude but get off your high horse and take some responsiblity for the lose of your girl.

  42. Tara Says:

    By the way, the statement I made about it taking so long to do the laundry was directed towards the fact that I do want to be there!

  43. Amanda Says:

    OMG, I can’t stop reading this. After reading the comments again. It seems girlfriend still wants boyfriend. Boyfriend can’t seem to fully make up his mind on what he wants. Honestly though this shouldn’t be aired out in a public forum, if you decide you still want sometime of relationship with her being just friends or back romantically – I honestly this this will push her away. Do what you need to get your leg well and decide once and for all what the two of you want.

  44. Rex L. Camino Says:

    wiggles head back and forth in an intimidating mannerOh, I know you didn’t just say that, girlfriend.

  45. Amanda Says:

    Ya I know I am an outsider looking in not knowing the full story – just touched a nerve cause I was once in a similar situation. I know not the whole story, but felt compelled to respond.

  46. Sarcastro Says:

    So, Amanda, I’m a little confused. What kind of “manor” does Tara deserve? Stately Wayne Manor? To The Manor Born? Cold Creek Manor? The Ghostly Manor Haunted House of Sandusky, Ohio? Please specify.And I do take responsibility for the “lose” of my girl. I broke it off with her. I made a difficult decision that she may not agree with. It is in both of our best interests. The selfish unmanly thing to do would be to stay in a relationship that is going nowhere because the sex is great and the laundry gets done. Sometimes grownups have to do things they may not particularly like to do, but have to, in order for long term happiness. One day you will understand. Sorry if our little performance art piece has offended your Gladys Kravitz-like sensibilities. When you get your own website, we will refrain from airing our dirty laundry on it. Feel free to post here anytime. After you finish your English as a Second Language courses, they should start making more sense.

  47. Amanda Says:

    TOUCHE! LoL. Well said, like I stated before I know I am an outside looking in and don’t know the big picture. I just read those remarks and felt the respect was lost. After such a long relationship it’s just hard to see the lose of respect but know it happens all the time. I am in a good marriage and my last big fall out with a boyfriend was pretty deep and similar, so I was compelled to respond. Hope the leg heals well and quickly.P.S. My English skills are just fine, it’s my typings skills that are lacking.

  48. Amanda Says:

    Oh my god – laughing my ass off at all those typos and grammar errors I made. Dougle Touche to you!

  49. Amanda Says:

    Oh my god – laughing my ass off at all those typos and grammar errors I made. Double Touche to you!

  50. Katherine Coble Says:

    Amanda,If you don’t like watching them have this conversation, WHY do you keep coming back.And Sar, you beat me to the whole ‘manor’ thing. I thought that typo was especially ironic, given that one of the issues is her moving house.

  51. Amanda Says:

    I don’t know why I keep coming back it’s like being a gawker at an accident, you can’t help but look to see what’s going on. Plus this is better then my soap opera is right now. LOL

  52. Sarcastro Says:

    Come for the train wreck.Stay for the refreshments!

  53. Amanda Says:

    Don’t mind if I do. TY What kind of refreshments are we serving up?

  54. Tara Says:

    Only the best!

  55. Amanda Says:

    Sounds good, hopefully your serving up something I like!

  56. Rex L. Camino Says:

    How about an update on the leg and nonsmoking, Sarcastro? Also, do the “refreshments” include drinks?I should point out that I am not smoking when I stop by your blog, as I am trying to refrain from tempting you. I really don’t smoke that much, although I might have to step out on the porch if there are drinks.

  57. Sarcastro Says:

    I am puffing away on death sticks harder than ever. Conditions at work (which will be discussed on a future post), demand that lung tissue be destroyed in order to preserve my sanity.Tonight we are serving Shiner Bock and bitterness.

  58. Amanda Says:

    Hmmm never tried that is it any good? Got any vodak?

  59. Amanda Says:

    Oops, forgot to ask no news on your leg? Did you go see the doc?

  60. Sarcastro Says:

    Considerable bruising and swelling still ten days after the fact. Went in for an MRI last night. The results will be ready on Friday. Once the doc tells me it is gangrene or a blood clot racing towards my heart, fear not gentle readers, I’ll let you all know.

  61. Aunt B. Says:

    Mmm. Bitterness and gangrene. You sure know how to get right to your readers’ hearts. At least tell us you’re still using the cane.

  62. Sarcastro Says:

    No. I used the cane for exactly one day, then decided I looked like an idiot. And I certainly don’t need a cane to look like an idiot.

  63. Amanda Says:

    Well good luck! I didn’t have such a severe injury but can relate to the pain. A few years back a stretched a ligament in my knee and was pregnant and could take anything for the pain. So I know hell of pain it cause!

  64. Steve Riley Says:

    I hear they are doing amazing things with artificial legs these days.

  65. Sarcastro Says:

    I hear you are doing amazing things with girls who have artificial legs.

  66. Steve Riley Says:

    If it’s good enough for Paul McCartney…Hey look at the bright side. You’d never have to buy another drink. When people ask you about the leg, just tell them “I’m a Gulf War Vet”You wouldn’t actually be lying, just intentionally misleading.

  67. Sarcastro Says:

    Intentionally Misleading is my middle name.The Intentionally Misleading Sarcastro.

  68. Tutularue Says:

    So glad we’ve veered away from the dirty laundry. I’ve always thought you had a wooden leg, even those years when you lived with me.

  69. Steve Riley Says:

    That’s quite a mouthful, Sarcastro. Can I call you TIMS for short? How about Timmy?TIMMAAAAH!

  70. Amanda Says:

    Oh I am just loving it!!!!!!!!!

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