Archive for July, 2005

Somewhere in Louisiana, A Trailer Park is Missing Its Trash

July 29, 2005

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(Via Glitterati)

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Calling All Cars

July 29, 2005

You have to love the priorities of the Nashville Police Department.

 Last night I was heading home after a hard day of work.   I had stopped for a taste of some adult beverages.  On the way home with a head full of beer, I spot a group of cops standing around the parking lot of the funeral home at Charlotte and 46th.  One officer walks out into traffic, looks me dead in the eye and points at me to pull over into parking lot.  I figure my number is up and am amazed by this cop’s psychic ability to tell I’m loaded from that distance.  I pull the truck over like a good citizen.  Sure enough, I am endangering my life by not wearing a seatbelt.  Thank Jehovah we have a Nanny State that will make sure I am not going to injure myself while driving.   Especially when intoxicated.  After the cop wrote me a ten dollar ticket, I half-expected him to pull a Columbo and say “Just one more thing sir…”.  Thankfully he didn’t, and I stayed out of jail.

I’m telling that story to illustrate this one.  Last night some actual criminals stole a car and rammed it into the gun store near my office.  Again.  Yep, this gun store which is about a mile from the West Sector police station got robbed a second time.  In the exact same manner it did the first time.  In fact, when I woke up this morning and saw it on the news, I thought I had travelled back in time like that dopey Christopher Reeve movie.  So let me get this straight,  a couple of months ago some of the criminal element crashed a car into the storefront of the gun store and made off with some weaponry.  No arrests, no leads, nothing happened except the perps figured they could do it again.  So now we have stolen guns flooding our streets, brazen criminals willing to commit audacious robberies, and a police force who is putting more manpower into writing tickets for speeding and non-seat belt wearing than for actual serious crimes.

In A Related Story, Water is Still Wet…

July 26, 2005

Anyone who has had to suffer through the Country Radio Seminar
week here in Nashville, knows first hand that most disc jockeys are
greedy little slit-eyed pigs looking for a free trip to the titty bar
and all the swag they can stuff into their jumbo sized pockets. 
So it should come as no surprise that the record labels have been shoveling
cash at them to play crappy records and make stars out of marginally
talented nitwits. Details are here.  The best part of the article is all the Claude Rains-like shock that there is corruption in the record business.

Another story that makes for high comedy is the revelation from chick-flick author Terry McMillan has found out the hunky Jamaican guy that inspired her book How Stella Got Her Groove Back and who she subsequently married turned out to be tootallly gaaaay
He played her like a set of steel drums in order to get citizenship and
stick his snout in all that fat cash one gets for making chick
flicks.  They should make a sequel where Angela Bassett kicks
Whoopi Goldberg down a flight of stairs for talking her into the
relationship as only a sassy, wise-cracking best friend can.

Woe Canada?

July 21, 2005

What is up with our neighbors to the north, America Lite?  And why
do so many of our dumber citizens feel that the Canucks live in a utopian paradise rather than
a frigid wasteland whose major population centers are huddled as close
to the warm glow of the U.S. of A as geographically possible?  Oh,
yeah they have a great healthcare system.  And what I mean by
great is not good, unless you need a cheap prescription drug. 

Full disclosure requires me to reveal that I am of Canadian
extraction.  Which means I’m very fucking glad my forefathers (or
in this case, just my father) were extracted out of there as quickly as
possible.  Thankfully it is just a nationality and not an
ethnicity.  I consider it just a long multi-generational layover
from Scotland to the U.S.  Kind of like flying Delta these days.

So this rant against the transit lounge of my ancestors is based on this little piece of political correctness (yes, I know the term is completely worn out, but what else can you call it?).

It’s nice to be nice…to the nice

July 20, 2005

frank-burns-sized.jpgNo one has yet brought up the eerie resemblance between Major Frank Burns and…

roberto…Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts.

Now, Alan Alda will definitely oppose this nomination.

The Wino and I Know

July 20, 2005

I’m about to head downtown for another exciting day of work.  This
project is starting to wear me out.  After it is over, I’ll spill
all the juicy details. 
One of the things I notice downtown is the alarming number of
bums.  Or hobos.  Or winos. Or beggars. Whatever you want to
call them.  Not only are they everywhere, but it is the same ones
everyday.  This one old black lady has pretty much the monopoly on
5th Ave between Church and Union.  Everyday I get “Hey Hardhat,
you got a quarter?”  There is another skeevy looking white guy who
prowls around the edges of that block looking for a handout as
well.  I expect the old black lady to attack him one day while
yelling “Hey I’m working this side of the street!”
The other disturbing, but related observation from that part of town is
that between 6-7 a.m. a panel van pulls up into the parking lot on 6th
Ave.  and eight or so bums get out of the van and head off to
their assigned areas of change collection.  Is there some bum
commune that I don’t know about?  Is there a Dickensian hippie
girl that allows the winos to live under her trust-funded roof in
exchange for a cut of the daily haul in spare change? 
This warrants further investigation.
And before you start lambasting me with comments about how the proper
term is homeless and that I’m being insensitive to the needs of the
less fortunate, read this.

Hot Teacher Too Hot For Prison

July 19, 2005

In what is sure to be a damaging blow for “Women In Prison” filmakers,
the smokin’ hot Florida teacher whose hobbies included adultery and
statutory rape, is trying to weasel out of going to the Crowbar
Motel.    Debra Lafave is using what is possibly the best excuse ever.  Read all about it, here.

Can anyone imagine a man using that excuse?  Can anyone imagine a
man committing the same crime and receiving the same level of
scandalous titillation that this and our own local favorite Pamela Turner
have generated?  Can anyone (ok, just the guys) imagine having
these two as teachers in 9th grade and praying every day to be chosen
as their next “victim”?  Most of us had teachers that looked like this.

Al-Zarqawi Rejects Support From U.S. Left

July 14, 2005

Despite reports of his near demise, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi had this to say recently concerning his relationship to the IMCtypes.  In the immortal words of Homer J. Simpson,  It’s funny because it’s true.

Ride ‘Em Jewboy

July 14, 2005

Texas gubernatorial candidate, Kinky Friedman, has the best plan for curbing illegal immigration I have heard yet.  It is called the Five Mexican Generals
plan.  You divide the border into five sectors and place a Mexican
general in charge of each stretch of territory.  Inform the
general that there is a million (or two) dollars in a bank account with
his name on it.  However, for every illegal immigrant that is
caught on this side of the border adjacent to his sector, $5,ooo will
be deducted from his account.  This plan motivates the Mexicans to
police the borders by making it in their best interests to do so. 
Right now it is in their best interests to funnel people from around
the world through our porous common border.  This certainly is a
better plan than anything Phil Valentine has come up with in his anti-immigrant love fests.

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Current Reading List (again)

July 11, 2005

One of the perks about working a jobsite in downtown Nashville, apart
from the cool places to eat, stunningly attractive women, and it not
being Lebanon, is the Downtown Library.  During lunch I can run
over there and get on the interweb, check out DVDs, CDs, or amazingly
enough, books. 

Here are some of the titles I grabbed this week:
The Pacific and Other Stories by Mark Helprin
Kissing Bill O’Reilly and Roasting Miss Piggy by Ken Tucker
Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans: The Best of McSweeney’s Humor Category by A Bunch of People

All of them good reads, either curled up in front of a fire with your dog at
your feet or hunched over on the toilet praying for the sweet release
of death.

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