Nothing is sacred, no one is safe…

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It is bad enough that Will Smith was in the horrible movie version of Wild Wild West. 
The TV version was one of my favorites as a kid.  So I was excited
to get to go to the sneak preview of the film version.  What an
abortion this picture turned out to be.  Once the closing credits
came on people started running for the exits.  The twelve year old
sitting in front of me gets up and says to his parent/guardian “This
was the worst piece of shit I’ve ever seen.”  If you can’t get the
twelve year olds on board for your summer action movie, you are sailing
a doomed ship.

Ratcheting up my disgust quotient is the in the remake of I Am Legend. There have been two versions of this classic novel out there.  Vincent Price was in the 1964 version Last Man on Earth.   The 1971 version called The Omega Man
with Charlton Heston is in the pantheon of great movies. So here we are
in thirty-odd years later and the creatively bankrupt morons who run
Hollywood (as opposed to the Gay Jews who run Hollywood) want to turn
this movie into a Will Smith vehicle.    Another classic
will be heading for either the shitter or the $6.99 bin at
Wal-Mart.  Now to be clear I have nothing against Mr. Smith and
think he is a fine actor when properly cast.  He was great in Ali,
Independence Day, whatever other successful “Will Smith Movies” you
can name.  The Governator was also mentioned as being the lead for
this project before he turned to politics.  He would have been a
poor choice as well.  The lead character of Robert Neville is NOT
an action-star.  He is a normal guy thrown into incredible
circumstances.  Part of the tension of the book and movie versions
is that there is a good chance he isn’t going to survive.  In any
modern action picture, the hero ALWAYS survives.  You know goddamn
good and well they ain’t gonna let Big Willie die at the end like Chuck
Heston.

More troubling than all that is the recent rumor that Will Smith is scheduled to be in a remake of the Bridge on the River Kwai. 
What is wrong with the 1957 David Lean version, exactly?  Is he
going to play the Bill Holden part?  Well they won’t let him die
at the end of that either.  So what is the point?

Now I’m begging you creatively bankrupt morons (or Gay Jews) to quit
fucking with perfectly good movies.  Do not remake Kwai.  I
can understand remaking I Am Legend.  Both versions are dated and
supposedly took place in 1976.  As there wasn’t a vampire/mutant
plague during the Bicentennial, the story could use an upgrade. 
But don’t put a big action star in this.  Put a lesser known actor
someone who the audience isn’t sure is going to make it to the
end.  Based on an online version of the script
the Neville character is a college professor who has published a few
notable history books for mass consumption(think Stephen Ambrose ,
Douglas Brinkley, et. al) , and had appeared on TV to shill his
work.  So he is the kind of guy who is famous if you watch C-Span
Booknotes a lot.  Does this sound like big time Action Hero to
anyone?  Get someone like Tim Daly, Ron Livingston, Gary Sinise,
or someone who isn’t saving the world in every other movie. 

Tell ya what evil Hollywood types, cast me in the lead and you will
save millions of dollars in salary that you can use for special effects
or hookers and blow.  Your choice.

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3 Responses to “Nothing is sacred, no one is safe…”

  1. Sarcastro Says:

    John Cusack would also be the ideal choice for the part of Neville.

  2. Oh, Boy! A Chain Letter! « Watching The Defectives Says:

    […] movie is going to suck. I wish it weren’t the case, but in my heart I know I’m right. I’ve bitched about this picture before. Not that it […]

  3. I Am Almost Legend « Watching The Defectives Says:

    […] My impotent and pointless objections from a few years ago to this news can be found here. […]

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