Take The Skin Heads Bowling for Columbine

As discussed in this space last time a half-baked “plot” was foiled by Teh Fedz, we can’t really be surprised. Can we?  Some squirrelly little shit-stains from East Jockstrap gets it into their meth-addled brains to k-i-l-l Barack Obama with some contrived plan that made Harris and Klebold look like Leon the Professional.

What is beyond comprehension is how the assorted bedwetters get all “shaken to the core” or find it to be “bone chilling frightening”. Really? A mass-murder spree so gay it could be a Joel Schumacher Batman movie? That’s what gets you pre-emptively writing the rough draft of your “Where was I when Obama got killed by two Aryan Ubermenschen scrawny dorks in white tuxedoes and tophats” blog post?

Good luck with that.

Some part of me wonders if some of these folks secretly long for a dead Kennedy to call their own. They need to mourn a fallen leader for their generation instead of listening to Grandma talk about the Sixties again.  In a way, I wonder if Obama is being set up to sit in The Wicker Man, because we the people demand blood, circuses and sacrifice.

Fuck it Dude. Let’s go bowling.

Who Will Buy My Memories?

0540–Unbelievable. As the Mrs. is getting set up in the driveway, this goober pulls up and starts looking at our wares. Even more unbelievable, he buys the crappiest pet cage we have in all of it’s rusted glory. It was the one thing we didn’t think any one in their right mind would buy. He’s going to keep chickens in it.

0640–These people are like garage sale zombies. Mindlessly shambling from one yard to the next looking for treasure in a manure pile. You know, if zombies did that as well as the whole brain eating thing. On the plus side, they give us money for this junk.

0740–The Brown Invasion. If the Mexicans want to endure a treacherous border crossing and the very real possibility of being sent back to whatever backwater shithole they came out of in order to buy up my used linens. Then I say open the borders. Mr. Bush, tear down this wall.

0810–Out of coffee. Still drinking booze, though.

0857–Out of booze. Drinking sand. Half of the stuff is gone. It won’t be missed. Only the good junk is left. No accounting for taste. Thankfully, the couple from the trailer park up the road were looking to redecorate. And kudos to the hipster with a taste for Americana that snapped up $25 worth of CD’s. Still, no one has made an offer on the Kinky Friedman documentary, Asshole from El Paso.

1003–The Doldrums have set in. The freak parade is starting to wind down. All the garage sale nuts have been at it for a couple of hours. Now we deal with the stragglers. Within the next hour will come the hagglers who want to Christian you down over a $1 chafing dish or some shit.

The Aftermath–Not a bad take.  As I type this a Guatemalan is backing up his truck to load the pool/foosball/air hockey table.  We unloaded just about everything except all of my CD’s/DVD’s and books.  Sorry I didn’t have any gospel, granny.  Try this Jason and the Scorchers Live disc,  it rocks.

The important part is that the garage is now empty enough to be usable.  We’ll try this again in the fall.  I have even more crap in storage.

What’s In A Name?

Jesus H. Christ.

The “H” either stands for Hobbs or Hussein.  I forget which.

Sucks to be You

This is the view out my bedroom window for the next couple of days.  Then we return to our regularly scheduled suckage.

Call Me Snake

During the latter part of the last century, there were some movies that totally captured the imagination of 10th graders all across this great land of ours. Well, this 10th grader anyway. Movies like Escape from New York and The Road Warrior. They weren’t the kiddie fare of the Star Wars movies. They were gritty and people got killed in realistic, or at least realistic to 10th graders, fashion. It was all we talked about. We watched these movies every time they came on cable. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

The trailer for this movie makes me tumescent in anticipation. In fact, if you asked me to go up to the board and do a geometry proof, I would have to take my book with me to cover up my excitement.

Now A Word From Our Sponsor…

And by sponsor, I mean someone whose money I would be happy to take in exchange for an endorsement.  For the right price, Flat Earth’s Impossibly Good line of snack chips would be the Official Snack Food of Watching The Defectives.

The Peach Mango Paradise Baked Fruit Crisps are as addictive as crack cocaine.

If crack came in chip form.

Let It Ride

In 1968, Richard Nixon won the New Hampshire primary after a six week campaign.

Let that sentence roll around in your head for a second. Six weeks. The primary was held on March 12. That means Tricky Dick didn’t get there until late January-early February. That would be simply unimaginable today. Some of these bastards have been campaigning for six months, some for over six years and at least one, concievably, for her whole life.

This is another state that inexplicably controls who gets to be President. I long for the days of a unified Super Tuesday in the South. Why shoot your wad in tiny states without a substantial number of delegates? Why freeze your ass off in Iowa and New Hampshire in the winter? Wouldn’t Georgia, Tennessee, Both Carolinas, Florida and Alabama be better places to spend your media dollars and the bulk of December and January?  This year we have Super Duper Tuesday with 19 states in play(or 24 if you count some party caucuses).  A bold move would be to spend resources in the largest eight:  California, New York, New Jersey, Conneticut, Massachusetts, Illinois, Tennessee, Georgia.   See you there February 5th.

Sadly, this year we won’t have the tears of Edmund Muskie to keep us entertained. No, we will have the tears of A.C. Kleinheider as he loses another primary bet to me.

Flush with success* and beer i.o.u.’s from various prognosticators, I have enough hubris, coffee and Bailey’s Irish Cream to call the next round.

GOP

Win: McCain–Won here last time he ran. Put all of his early primary eggs in this basket.

Place: Romney–All you need to know about New Hampshire is that they have this huge Liquor Bunker right off the interstate. Where a rest stop would normally be. People from Massachusetts drive up to buy cheap booze at a lower tax rate. Essentially it is a big, state-owned “fuck you” to Massachusetts. So is a vote against Romney.

Show: Huckabee–His evangelical shtick appeal may not play as well up here. See state line liquor store above. Look for surprise bounce, but not enough to overtake the other two.

Dem

Win: Clinton–Consider a vote for her a big “fuck you” to the rest of this conservative state.

Place: Obama–As seen on TV.

Show: Edwards–Vice-President is starting to sound better and better.

*Yes, I know Fred came in third, in a photo finish with McCain. I blame the season premiere of Law & Order mysteriously debuting the night before. A FULL INVESTIGATION of possible caucus tampering by NBC/Universal is currently underway.

Rebuild the Towers

Kitty brings up the question of why there is a big hole in the ground five years and millions of dollars after September 11, 2001.

Penn & Teller addressed this very issue on Bullshit! a few months ago. The Daily News wrote up a brief synopsis and review.

I can’t argue with that. Build the Towers back, more or less the way they were. In the open area between them, have this remaining stairway serve as witness to the events of history, a testament to our dead, and a reminder of our heroes.

Be Quick About It

I’ve got stuff to do today.  Here’s some bite-sized bits of fluff for your entertainment.  Tip your servers.

The tragic tale of Ernest and Bertram.  Brought to you by the letter Y. 

John Dean discusses Conservatives Without Conscience on Countdown. 

Fairly positive review of The Mothership.   UPDATE:  The REVIEW that will change everything.

If I Dated Lorelai Gilmore.

Kevin Smith on nose-picking, and, uh, pleasing the ladies. 

Trailer for Little Miss Sunshine.  Sarcasm is the refuge of losers.

Greatest Billboard Ever.

Nerd-Bait

In an effort to get the Harry Potter nerds to dummy up, let me offer some random pieces of news and gossip to occupy their time until some other flotsam washes up  on The Geek Isles.

Julius Caesar got killed on Rome last night.  Who saw that one coming?  What a ballsy move for HBO to kill one of the major characters like that.  I’m going to guess that next season will have Marc Antony and Octavian team-up somehow to go after Brutus and the other conspirators.   Expect Pullo and Vorenus to be involved one way or the other.

According to AICN, a new version of The Prisoner is being developed.  This has some real potential.  The original show is a little dated.  If they give it the Galactica treatment, it ought to be good.

Speaking of Galactica, new episodes will start airing in January.  And season three has just been given the green light.

The teaser trailer for Superman Returns is online here.  Using Johnny Williams’ music and Brando’s voice isn’t going to keep this from sucking.  I just can’t buy a Superman that looks like Max Fischer from Rushmore.

Civilization IV has been released.  It has sold over five million copies since it came out a couple of weeks ago.  It retails for around fifty bucks.  I’m not good at math, but that’s a lot of dough.   

As for the Harry Potterites, you have to quit bitching about Gambon’s portrayal of Dumbledore.  The fucker dies on page 596 in whatever the latest book is.  There, I just saved you a couple hours of your life and thirty bucks.  You can even buy the t-shirt for that here.